Hello,
I really need some urgent help and advice on how to handle this.
My husband has always been loving and nice to me , but he does hide a lot of information from me and has been overly friendly, kind and gifting precious things to my governess who looks after my children. I confronted him once and he said sorry to me and said he did not realise this will hurt me.
Today, he has evem gifted her gold chains without my knowedge and has also been once or twice found in her bedroom in the middle of the night - on the pretext of seraching for some medicines which I do keep in that room.
I have communicated my feelings openly and clearly to him, told him I am willing to put everything behind me and move on.. however, I am now shattered and not able to take it anymore.
He has of late started denying things, started tryign to beat me, but says he loves me at times- i have made him happy with sex and my normal chirpy behaviour he likes, but I dont know what else to do.
I dont know if he does this only cos i may say no to him giving these expensive gifts or he is actually in love with her. I am heartbroken and cant take this any more..
Hi,
I am so sorry to read this, and there is help, if your husband is willing.
Ask him to go with you to a Professional Marriage Counselor. Or, have him go with you to any other type of marriage counselor.
He is obviously infatuated with your governess. Maybe you might fire her, and get another one., but that wouldn't solve the issue.
Please try getting him to counseling. He should NOT be giving her expensive gifts, unless more is involved; and I think there is!
I do wish you good luck, and hope it turns out OK.
when you get a chance take you governess to the side and speak with her on this matter. Dont be harsh. She probably doesnt have a clue that he has a motive behind getting her these gifts. she probably is afraid to say anything because she doesnt want to cause a problem with the marriage. now if she is obviously trying to snatch him up then you need to be rid of her. like fredg says do some marriage counseling. now me personally hes been doing this for how long ?and youve told him how many times? oh no, honey you deserve much better than to be treated like that. I really do not believe that he loves you the way he claims or he would have stopped the moment you said something to him. when a man loves you just the thought of you being hurt will make them not want to hurt you. i had a husband that did those same things to me except it was with an ex girlfriend. now if i was you id be having a camera hidden in that house or get a trusted friend to take pictures of the injuries he causes when he hits you and maybe catch him and governess in the act. go to womans shelter and get you a good lawyer. I really do think that by the way he is trying to beat you now he probably is in love with this nanny cause men will start doing that when they have an affair because they start to resent that they are married to you and not their lover.
At this point, if you want to save your marriage, then you need to lay down the law with your husband. "Lay-off" the governess for "a while", asssuring her it's nothing personal and that you'll give her a good reference should she wish to seek employment elsewhere and that you'll "call her" when you are again in need of her services. If your husband objects, then, sadly, you'll know where you stand. Likewise tell your husband no more gifts, no more in her bedroom at any hour for any reason whatsoever. The governess' bedroom is her personal, private space and there is no practical need for your husband to ever be in there. Any medicines needed by anyone in your family should be kept in the bathroom or some other readily acessible location - not in someone's private bedroom. If the medicine in question was for the governess, then sorry but she'll have to go fetch it for herself ; your husband is not her errand-boy. You may want to consider marriage counseling as well ; preferably with your husband but by yourself if necessary.
hey Captain Forest, Fr. Chuck, S-clancy, FredG and all,
Thanks so much - I am so glad I have you all to ask for help and use as a sounding baord. I did exactly as some of you suggested. I had a heart to heart talk with my governess for she is a nice girl- she is unaware of these implications in a relationship since she is young, which I explained - she has promised me she will do nothing to break my family, and has even on my request returned the gift to my husband saying what ever he does should be done in front of me and she will be happy to receive it as a gift for her wedding from both of us. While i do realise he was in her bedoon 2 months back one night - may have been desparate since it was the time when I ignored him for 3 days since he had bought her a small skirt/top first time without my knowledge. He however apologised saying he did not realise he wa shurting me then. But this expensive gift has what brought up my doubts- my only problem is I am unable to trust him now even tho' I feel somewhere deep down he wont leave me .. for my kids sake atleast.. he is very egoistic, but definitely a nice person - If i dont confront him with this issue, i am anyway dying inside of doubts- I want to badly stop doubting him, but if I confront him, i know I will face wrath.. he is definitely infatuated I feel- I saw some porn Cds in his bag too recently,, whne I ignored him for a while.. and I am aware this is not an emotional connection.. he has told her also she is like our sister and she will get our family's support always - when i was away on work last week to another city. WHat worries me is all this talk goes on when I am not at home , while I will be happy to join him on these gifts and talks since the governess is a lovely girl and god fearing.
Today, I have expressed to him again that I am shattered and I cant take this for long if he lies/ hides things from me- I have not told him i know of the chian, but told him the governess is upset about something and that i heard from my friend he was seen at the gold shop on Sunday . On USnday he was out for long,a nd he said he had gone elsewhere... i have urged him to tell me one last time what he is not finding in me and why he is behaving this way-- for I know i have always satisfied him every way.. he has acknowlegded this many times..but if I fire this governess way I fear more wrath...I have told her to take a break and leave us alone and come back after 6 months.. and told her i will help her with money if required. Is this a right thing?
I fear warth and want peace just for my kids.. Is giving expesnive gifts a beginning to a relationship ALWAYS from a man's perspective?? Is he more hurt since she has apparently returned the chain on my request? Is his anger only momentary.. may be i should stop telling him I know what's going on.. will it be better? He had said if i dont trust him, why do i as k him.. this is now ina loop..
Please let me know. Thanks a lot for your advice - great place to talk to ..I am greateful..
Okay first off stop bying into his lies. Staying together is not always the best thing for your children. He is out doing all this funny buisness and you will be continually hurt by it and yes believe it or not your children will be hurt by it. You said he has tried to beat you. Do you want your children to grow up seeing this? Im not going to tell you to marriage counseling because I dont think he will do it. Your afraid of his wrath which means you are afraid of him. Get out. leave when he is gone and take the children with you. Do not tell him or his friends or family or anyone from your family that you do not trust where you are. I also wont tell you to get marriage counseling because i believe that once a man trys to lay his hands on a woman or cheats there is no saving anything. Im sorry if you want me to say stay with him even though he does all these things to you but Im just not going to blow sugar in your ear. Im telling you how it is. He has done this one time too many to be forgiven.
rajini s agrees: If I go for counselling alone is this ok? He is too private, shy and egoistic a person to come with me
Not really. The problem is his lying to you. If you two cannot sit down and communicate these problems to each other, than that is no way to have a marriage, in which case, divorce would be your only recourse.
Tell him he must go to counselling or you want a divorce. If he cares at all for you, he will go to counselling.
I have no clue what your limit is but you have got to be pretty darn close.Yo man ain't got not one drop of respect for you what so ever.Who would go behind his lady's back to buy gifts for the hired help?And why wouldn't the hired help tell you about it if she respected you?I would send the hired help packing so fast her head would be spinning like a top!And if hubby don"t like it, his *** would be right behind hers.Let everyone else go to counceling you go shopping for another governess.You'll feel much better when you take back your own home and put loverboy on notice NO MORE B*******T!Sometimes you gotta be a bee-tch,and quite takin' (stuff) off people.YOUR way or the highway,like we say in Texas boot to butt get to steppin'!
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