ok im 23, my boyfriend is 24. we have been together a while, and we do love each other. the difference between us is that he has a high sex drive i dont'. we have really worked at it, as we dont want to split up over it and want each other.

we do have sex, but for some reason i always feel guilty after having it and i never know why, i can quite often want it, but when it comes to it and after i regret it. its weird.

its definately not a case of this mans not for me, because he was my first boyfriend, without sounding big headed i have had lads after me for years, but the way i am i find it hard to commit, ive never been interested in lads, until i met my boyfriend, and i fell for him straight away, so its not as if i would want sex with anyone else.

we had our ups and downs, and at the minute we are seeing each other a little less, and not really including the dirty sex, doing more activities such as going out for days out, and trying to talk more about physical contact as appose to sex.

seens as thought ive never been in a relationship before i do not understand whats normal and what isnt. i dont feel uncomfortable by what he sends, but i worry if its normal, for example during the day when we are at work i may get texts saying,

"im thinking of you naked, its a nice thought"
"i wish i could be touching you now"
*wish i was with you now"

etc etc, i just don/'t know if its normal behaviour, or whether he is just letting sex rule his life.

he is always telling me he enjoys the physical aspects and when he gets the impression im not happy he says i mean hugging and cuddling not just sex. i often find though that unless we are going to have sex he will not intimately kiss me, as he always ends up going hard and i think he only likes to go hard if he gets sex

please help!

JBeaucaire

Hon, you have an absolutely firm grasp (no pun intended) on this situation. There's no mystery here at all. You understand it fully.

You've dated him long enough that you two are settling into some "natural" behaviors. I think you're both being real with each other. But I believe you may be ignoring the implications of what you're experiencing.

Guys are visual, so his thinking of you naked through the day is totally natural. At 24 he is deep in his sexual prime (another pad pun), so you must give him some leeway here. You two decided to have a sexual relationship, so that's what it IS. He needs it now more than ever.

You could feel guilt for many reasons, not the least of which is you simply might not enjoy it that much. Perfectly possible. But being in a relationship means giving your partner what you KNOW he needs, and the vice versa.

I have the same problem...after 25 years of marraige if I kiss my wife deeply, boing! I'm ready for sex, and not getting is...well, frustrating. She and I have learned that and use it to our advantage. You two have discovered it too. Do you REALLY want him in pain by trying to get him to deep kiss you and then ignore his sexual response? That's not particularly loving on your part. You could be more realistic about that particular point.

This isn't right/wrong, this is understanding each other behaving appropriately. He needs sex more than you, so you have to work on having sex more often than you would normally. You want it less, so even with you trying, HE has to get used to getting it less often than he'd like. That's what loving behavior is...you two trying to give each other what you need.

Or, you could be more cut-throat about it. It takes a LOT to make a marraige work. What you are experiencing now is probably a LESSER version of what you'll experience in marraige. Is that what you want? Do you want to frustrate and be frustrated forever over sexual incompatibilities? The answer might be "no".

This is really what dating is for, to find out if you really ARE compatible enough to live with someone forever. The love feelings don't do it, it's all the other real-world things thrown in on top of those feelings that lead you to the right choice.

But once you make the choice, you must OWN it. You accept all the implications and live up to them.

Take care.

bluesgirl

thanks for the advice, i can see where you are coming from, perhaps now would be the best chance to escape if i feel that im making him frustrated and he is making me frustrated, but what i also fear is that i will not anyone else who i can love the way i do him, and the way he does me, the way in which he understands me and everything else, as i may meet many guys who all want sex as well, in which case i would be better off staying put. it breaks my heart to think about ending it, but i just feel that sex rules his life.

a.) with his comments throughout the day
b.) if we are together he usually tries to initiate it
c.) i honestly feel he has nothing else on his mind sometimes!

but i understand a lot of lads are like this, which is why i think well i don't want to throw away what we have, but having been on a break over it, and going back, yes hes dropped the dirty sex aspects which i hated, but hes still keen to talk and want sex.

i feel im harsh on him, as there are times he wil hug and cuddle, but his hands will always manage to creep to my breasts and he will never passionately kiss me unless he gets sex!

talaniman

Normal for two young people who are having different views on how to shape a relationship. sex complicates things and lust can be mistaken for love, but never lasts long term. So defining the relationship is the challenge between you two. Working together to solve your problems to the benefit of you both. Though the feelings are intense, standing the test of time, is the trick. Right now he can't help but feel very physically attracted to you, but is he willing to understand the other parts is the question. Slow down on the sex, as its confusing you both, and see if there is anything else there.