hi my name is angela and i have never done a site before. It's late and there is no one I can talk to. i just wanted an opinion on what happened early this morning after my boyfriends sisters wedding. i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. i love him and his family so much. last night his sister got married and i couldnt have been happier. itwas so romantic and very fun. i really felt like part of the family and my boyfriend and i were having a blast. we have had a lot of trust issues in our relationship because we tend to drink too much when we do drink and people tend to do stupid things. i didnt think the night could get any better, i guess it was doomed to fail. anyway, after the wedding had ended, we went t a bar next door. after that is all a blur but i remember being in a hotel room with the guys standing up in the wedding without my boyfriend playing cards. after that, me and him had gotten into a fight and he had left me at the hotel. i stayed awake with a girlfriend and 2 other guys when my boyfriend showed back up at the hotel. he saw me get out of a room with the two guys and the girl... nothing happen intimately! he was very drunk and started to scream at the one guy and then punched him in the face in the lobby. the front desk lady called the cops... the guy he punched was the grooms best friend. when the cops came they just had me and him leave. we took a cab back to his house but he then called my mother to pick me up and broke up with me. i didnt talkto him all day but i talked to his mom and she was crying asking me why i would be in a room alone with other guys and saying that dave ruined the wedding experience. she then hung up on me after telling me that we both need to stop drinking. he hasnt called all day except at 10 tonight... leaving a message saying that he knows what i did and that i cheated on him and that we were really over and i had made a big mistake but wont call or answer since then. i dont know how we got seperated and i feel terrible but i really didnt cheat on him, hes my heart. i was just drunk and hanging out. i know guys can think otherwise and i never wanted to hurt anybody. im gonna stop drinking for a while i just dont know what i would do if i lost him. like i said hes my everything. i hope i made my night clear enough, i just wanted to know from someone else... would you have reacted the same? do i just need to give him some time? how should i handle this situation? would you forgive your girlfriend? thanks

ijm770

Hi anger,

For whats it's worth, i kinda disagree with some of the other posters, I don't think you are an alcoholic, drinking once every 2 weekends doesn't sound like that to me.

What I do think is that drinking is bad for your particular relationship, there are obviously issues such as trust that are a problem with you an your bf, when people drink then these issues generally have a habit of coming to the surface, and as you are drunk then you have a lot less chance of controling the way they are come out. On this particular occasion you have spoilt your nights and what should have been a memorable night for others.

So yes you should go cold turkey, as the other posters say

What you both need to do is talk, give your bf time and then contact him back to explain what REALLY happened.

Just a couple of other things, when you guys drink, is there one person who usually starts an arguement/fight or is it both of you? And does your bf have any reason to think that you would cheat on him ie previous experience in your relationship or is he a jealous and insecure type?

Chery

When I was young and dumb, I drank to loosen up even though I knew what booze could do to a family and friends. When I was married and was beaten by my ex a lot - I drank to keep the pain (physical and emotional) easier to handle. Then when I was seperated and loneley I drank to make it easier to bear. AND there were times when I could stop for two or three months - so I thought I could handle it.

Well, it only took me four years of this to loose the control center in the brain - in other words - alcohol was my master! I tried the 6 week rehab and was good for about three months - until another crisis came up and I thought I could ease it with just a few drinks - wrong! I lived only to get my next drink. I don't know how my daughter managed to turn out so wonderful and she is still today, supportive and a blessing - even though she also went through hell because of me.

I finally told the doc that I wanted to be locked away for a longer period (in Germany, the insurance and health law considered alcoholism a valid illness and approved) I went to therapy then for 5 1/2 months. It was hard because I had problems with the language, daily therapy, confrontations with the other patients in my group, and we did all the work - gardening, cleaning, cooking, etc. It was the best step I did to rid myself of that monster and am glad that I was lucky enough to get away and not drink again for over 25 years.

Occasional drinking is just the start - and when you realize you are drinking each day for some reason or another - it's too late. Once that monster takes over you need help - professional help - especially as a woman. I have known men that have stronger willpower.. but we woman feel the pain a lot deeper - and of course the guilt and responsibility.

The therapy took me way back to my childhood, and I got to know myself lot better and the reasons for needing an 'escape' came out. It was hard as heck but learned a lot about why I was a candidate for slavery to booze - real hard realization - but the only chance for me to survive for the rest of my life.

Honey, I don't judge, I just want to warn you that we are all vulnerable to crutches unless we don't have a reason for them - either physically or mentally - and to let you know that there are people to help you find your special reason for needing any crutches - even if it is for one night, one day, or the rest of your life.

I know that there are people out there who can go on through life 'getting loose' now and then, be able to enjoy a drink at a party... but there are some of us who cannot afford this - we no longer have control and cannot party like the rest. That sounds darned unfair, but that's life. And it takes your choice, your step, to make or break your life, relationship with yourself, friends and family.

Think real hard on the next step you want to take and I for one, wish you the best of luck to you and your future.


In September 2007, I found out I have lung cancer and refuse surgery or chemo because I don't believe it prolongs QUALITY, on quantity -painful too, so you have no idea how much it takes to not think why not drink again, since I'm going to die anyway... but have not touched a drink yet, and I hope I never will.. I want to have time with my grandson - and not be drunk until it's my time to go.

So now there is another monster controlling my life, but we all have our loads to carry, don't we?

I'm wishing you the strength to carry your load, recognize how strong you ca be and regain your self-respect and pride... you're worth it.

ScottGem

You need to do more research on what it means to be an alcoholic. Its not only the frequency of when one drinks. Even if one drinks once a month, but during that once, gets totally drunk, that is a sign of being an alcoholic.

mogoverthemoon

sorry but i never would, once that trust is gone its gone forever.
anyway if you know that drink causes the two of you to get into these situations then dont drink so much!, and its pritty stupid to be alone in a room with two guys when your still half wasted!
well done i say for hitting that bloke, i'd a done worse.
if he dont take you back jsut learn from your mistake and try not to hurt people again

catherinetodd

Couldn't finish my rating:

TrueFaith wrote: "I have no sympathy for you." Sounds like TrueFaith has had a bitter experience themselves. angerhodes, I would not take this coldness to heart. I agree that you never said anything about the things that TrueFaith extrapolates. You are a good person, it is clear from your posts. I wish you the best of luck and hope you and your boyfriend are able to stop drinking (binge drinking is "only every few weeks") and have a good relationship. If not, find someone who doesn't drink! That's what I have done and it works. There's other issues to work on, but at least drinking doesn't cloud everything, and mess everything up. Let us know how you are doing. Best of luck to you! We love you. Yours, Catherine Todd,

Foxy459459

But if he truly loved you he would of trusted you enough not to flip out like that. And he would believe you when you tell him that you didnt do anything with anyone. He needs to respect you as his girlfriend. Just because both of you were drunk doesnt give him the right to act the way that he did. I dont think that he was right in the situation at all. I think you deserve someone that is going to respect, and trust you. Because with out trust you have nothing. Good luck to you.

catherinetodd

This girl was not "alone in the room with two guys," if I remember correctly there was another girl there as well. In any event, there is nothing wrong for being in a room with other men. Rape is still against the law, no matter where a female is. Saying "well done i say for hitting that bloke, i'd a done worse." would have sent you and him to jail. That is also not good advice. I don't know where you live, but assault is against the law in the United States. This girl didn't "hurt anyone," her drunken boyfriend did. Why are you blaming her? She's already blaming herself, when her boyfriend is the one that went off in a jealous rage.

Sorry, I cannot agree in any way with your response. It is irresponsible for you to say these kinds of things to a young person who is looking for advice. The only thing I agree with is the notion of "quitting drinking" and not hanging around with jealous, violent individuals. That was her only "mistake." Next time, it could be her that he asaults!

Think before you speak. Please!

ScottGem

Comments on this post
catherinetodd disagrees: There is nothing wrong with "sitting with two guys alone in a room." Do you think she lives with the Taliban? The drinking and blind jealousy is the problem, and the boyfriend "did the hurting." She needs a new boyfriend w/ no drinking.

May I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedbac...ure-24951.html

catherinetodd

ScottGem: If you think giving "advice" as to punching someone else does follow these guidelines, I would suggest that you re-read them yourself. I have no idea what you are talking about. telling someone that they "would have done worse than punching someone out" is a very negative "opinion" and destructive form of advice, especially to a young person who was lucky that she herself was not assaulted. Do you think that that was OK according to your proposed (and accepted) "guidelines?"

You wrote: "Negative comments should NOT be given when: 1) there is a difference of opinion not of fact..."

It is a FACT that assault is wrong, illegal, and can result in a jail sentence. Wouldn't you agree that stating they "would have done worse" is a "negative opinion?" Do you also believe that she is "factually" in the wrong for being in a room with two men? Is this girl on trial here by writing her problem, asking for advice?

Are you the one who charges 75¢ per minute for your "advice?" Are you asking me to pay you for your response?

catherinetodd

TrueFaith, it appears that you did a great job driving angerhodes away. Your response ended with "I have no sympathy for you." That was quite uncalled for, and very unhelpful, as well as later saying I got "owned." You are wrong on both counts.

People come here for help and understanding. If you can't offer help, think about finding somewhere else to go where you can throw "advice" around. as if it was a ticking time bomb. I have never seen anyone respond in the way you have. I am very disappointed that this would occur on these boards. This needs to stop, now. I have no idea if someone else may find that my response "violates their guidelines," but I think that negativity such as this needs to be stopped before others get hurt. We are here to help, not hurt. Those are the FACTS.