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me n my bf hav been together for nearly 2 years.. he lives with me, and most of the time we get on realy well. i have recentally realiswed that he has become quite controlling, doesnt like me going out, wearing revieling clothes, talking to boys.. and the thing is i hav let him become this way.. instead of putting up a fight i'll just agree with him because i hate arguing over small pathetic things. for example if he doesnt want me to wear something, i'll agree and wear a pair of skinny jeans. its not right, i know, i need to know how to... get my own way without an argument. his point of views on our relationship is that:
-when i go out i wear revieling clothes, me n my mates are too loud, and guys always try n get into me.
-when a girl in a relationship wears a tiny dress when not with her bf, she looks like slag, and is asking everyone to look and flirt with her.
-if i talk to boys, i am throwing myselfe at them and coming across as 'up for it'. if his m8s try and talk to me when im out i should practically ignore them because they are ALL flirting with me.
hes just realy insecure, but i dont know what hes worried about coz he knows i would never cheat or step over the line. we are both very young, and because we got together at 15! he has cought me out before, like talking privately to boys on facebook.. this was at the start of our relationship before i was properly in love with him, but maybe thats why he still thinks im a flirt??
i have tried talking to him.. he just sais 'you know what im like im realy jelous' as if i should just put up with it. but i know he wouldnt like it if i made him feel bad every time he went out, and made him have to think all the time wether what he wants to wear will start an argument.
i realy want to know how to get back in control of my relationship.. without falling out all the time. he is worth it, i am more happy in our relationship than unhappy, i just know it could be better.
Explain that you need your freedom to be happy. Make a deal with him that if you wear an outfit that he thinks is too revealing, every time he thinks a guy is looking at you, he can kiss you. He gets to show "the hundreds of men that are oogling you" that you and him are an item. As for going out without him, explain that it's the same as when he's going out with his friends. I don't know how controlling he is but be very careful, controlling often turns into abusive.
Explain that you need your freedom to be happy. Make a deal with him that if you wear an outfit that he thinks is too revealing, every time he thinks a guy is looking at you, he can kiss you. He gets to show "the hundreds of men that are oogling you" that you and him are an item. As for going out without him, explain that it's the same as when he's going out with his friends. I don't know how controlling he is but be very careful, controlling often turns into abusive.
that is such a good idea! thank you
i did try telling him that when i go out its just the same as when he does but he just said ' no its not coz me and my m8s just play pool n stuff, but all your m8s are loud and like atteantion' when them lads are not quiet and i am not attention seeker! lol he wont listen to anything
I got with my boyfriend at 15 years old too and we have now been together for eight years. In the beginning it was quite rocky, we fought alot..over stupid silly little things.. It took a long time of growing up, realizing that we all need our freedom but at the same time we needed to respect eachother in the relationship.. we broke up a few times... But we did get back together (though thats not always a good idea in some relationships) depending on both of your ages and maturity level maybe you are not ready for such a commited relationship... I didnt move in with my Boyfriend until we were in our fifth year of our relationship not wanting to rush things... Maybe that is what has happened here.
Even my boyfriend has problems with some types of clothing. And i have problems with some of the things he used to do so we made a compromise... he wouldnt hug every girl he knew ( in the beginning it bothered me but now i know they were just friends and they are now my friends as well) and I dont wear things when i go out by myself if they make him uncomfortable. I respect his wishes and he respects mine
you are very young and have your whole life ahead of you. Let him know that you are your own individual. that you value yourself and that you dont wear clothing or act in a way to demean yourself.
Perhaps if he cannot accept you for who you are maybe it is time to move on. you are too young to start altering yourself to suit what a man wants. Start now and your life will revolve around what a man wants you to be. In the end you will lose your sense of self. You will end up repeating the scenario with every man that comes after. Stand up for yourself. he fell in love with you, not the image he has of you in his head.
me n my bf hav been together for nearly 2 years.. he lives with me, and most of the time we get on realy well. i have recentally realiswed that he has become quite controlling, doesnt like me going out, wearing revieling clothes, talking to boys.. and the thing is i hav let him become this way..
Like it or not, you have seen a red flag of his behavior. I doubt this will change overnight. So, don't say you haven't been warned. I wouldn't want to be around someone who acted like an immature brat...do you? The problem with controlling behavior is that it can lead to even more and more control...it's a slippery slope.
i am more happy in our relationship than unhappy, i just know it could be better.
Yes, it definitely could be better, but maybe not with him. He may be capable of overcoming his insecurities, or he may not. Either way, you need to find out sooner rather than later. Life is too short for head banging.
I can understand respecting his insecurities and him for that matter. But him asking you to not dress a certain way or giving you grief for being too loud when you out is just horrid excuses. Learn how to say no honey, and be yourself. You don't have to disregard how he feels, and you can blow off guys who try to chat you up. But you should never limit the harmless things about yourself just because he gets jealous.
In a way it's a compliment because it means he knows you are hot and doesn't want anyone else noticing too closely. But girls ARE loud, guys are gonna notice even if you sit in a corner wearing a shawl giggling into a pint.
If you want to take back control you are going to have to start being willing to deal with those piddly little disagreements. Don't be uppity about it though, just tell him flat out, no, I like this, that's why I own it, and you liked it too once upon a time. Respect yourself first, then worry about respecting him. Set some rules in your head about what is okay for him to mention, and what he can sod off about. he's not going to love it, but he needs to be told to have a little faith in you and respect you enough to let you make your own decisions.
The problem with controlling behavior is that it can lead to even more and more control...it's a slippery slope.
This is exactly true. I can tell you that if you just agree with him to keep things quiet, as time goes on those little things you "just go along with" get bigger and bigger. I was with my wife for 9yrs and our conflicts started off just like that. She wanted to control little things and I don't like to argue, so I just went along with it. After 9yrs She controlled everything about me. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere on my own unless it was to do or get something for her, and then the time that it took me to do it was in question. The amount of money it cost was in question. I wasn't allowed to spend any money on myself, no matter how insignificant or important. I wasn't allowed to have any friends because eventually they might say something that was offensive or she might just take the wrong way. There had been times when she took something wrong from my own family and she insisted that we stop association them. They were only family we had here. We have 3 kids together, and that's very unhealthy for them. She grew to be or else simply revealed herself to be a very jealous person. In all that time, I never cheated on her, never even came close.
At the end of our marriage, she was the one to cheat on me. She lives with him, with my kids now and throws fits at every opportunity she can find because our divorce isn't even final yet and she wants to marry him and it's her fault that it's lasted more than a year now.
One thing I can tell you with certainty is that it's usually the person that is so insecure about your behavior that are guilty of the suspicions they have. This case may be an extreme one, but that just goes to show how slippery that slope is. You need to stand up for yourself. It's also true that he fell in love with you not the image he is building in his head of you.
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