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    how to deal with a X boyffriend that WON'T let go

    Asked Aug 26, 2009, 02:46 PM 29 Answers
    When I became a member of AHMD in October 2008 I had broken up with my X BF just a few weeks prior and I had pretty much the same problem as I have now.

    1. he refuses to let go
    2. he refuses to respect my decision (i.e. I don't want him in my life)
    3. he refuses to listen when I tell him to stop contacting me

    So last year I did a number of things to make sure that he would stop calling, text, mailing, and showing up outside my apartment and it worked, eventually...

    I changed my phone number, I blocked him on Facebook, my mail account, and prior to doing all this I told him that he had to stop doing the things he did cause it was upsetting and creepy.

    In April he started to hang out with my brother (not my brothers idea!) he just started showing up places and when ever he saw my brother and his friends he would just tag along. My brother talked to me about it and told me that he felt that my x was doing this because he wanted to get closer to me. Also in April my Bro had a party and when I showed up my bro apologised to me about him being there and he asked my x to go.

    This summer there was a music festival in my hometown and I saw my x there. I didn't really think it was going to be a problem and that I could avoid him. But every time we saw each other he tried to stop me and talk, especially if I was alone and now he has started to send me me texts. Sometimes when he's drunk at 4.30 in the morning or even in the middle of the day.

    The worst thing about this is that he was really crule towards me and I really can't have him around. I really cant' and in all honesty... him contacting me is torment!

    I got a text today, and one early in the morning about 2.5 weeks ago. I honestly don't know if I should answer him and tell him to quit... or just ignore... I didn't answer the last text, so today he sent me one about meaningless stuff.

    I have considered to ask my phone company if I can block his number. I know they do that in some cases, I honestly don't feel that I should let him bother me to the extent that I change my phone number yet again...

    Thank you for reading this. Lol I know it's a bit long...

    Last edited by roxypox; Aug 26, 2009 at 03:31 PM.
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    29 Answers
    Justwantfair's Avatar
    Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 944
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    #2

    Aug 26, 2009, 02:50 PM
    File an Order of Protection from harassment.
    I think he would understand that message.
    That is what I would do.
    Helpful
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
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    #3

    Aug 26, 2009, 03:02 PM

    Thank you Justwantfair! I'm starting to think that this is the only way to get him of my back! Because I really don't need him hanging over me! Or trying to be apart of my life this way.

    I feel seriously disrespected!
    Helpful
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #4

    Aug 26, 2009, 07:57 PM

    How did he get your new number?

    Does he know you've been dating other people?

    Going along with Justy's idea, you might text him back one time, "every text you send I'm keeping for the police report."

    I know I've had a hard time letting go before but after all these months for him to still be trying with no success to me means there is something else going on that is not all right in his head.
    Helpful (1)
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #5

    Aug 26, 2009, 09:39 PM
    I think that blocking the number is a great idea. Essentially he's stalking you and the only way to get rid of stalkers is to IGNORE them.

    Any response - positive or negative feeds their fantasy (whatever it is). Don't enage with him at all, act as if he doesn't exist. Any reaction on your part could be interpreted as 'interest', so cultivate a poker face.

    Let your friends know that he's stalking you and ask their assistance in getting him out of your way. Let your family and workplace also know so that they can keep an eye out for you.

    Try not to be out and about on your own if he's going to be around.

    File a report with the police so that it's on record that he's harassing you, even if it's not technically 'serious' at the moment.

    A definition from the web:

    The Rejected Suitor: Sometimes a partner rejected by their spouse or lover may vacillate between overtures of reconciliation and revenge. They have a narcissistic sense of entitlement and belief this is the only relationship they are going to have. More than 80% of rejected stalkers in a recent study had personality disorders. Therapeutic treatment of the rejected stalker involves helping him or her come to terms with the end of the relationship.
    Helpful (1)
    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #6

    Aug 26, 2009, 10:04 PM

    He is stalking you, and stalking is a crime in every state in the U.S.

    Stalking - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    I would file a report and request a restraining order against him.

    I would take this seriously. I would assume you are risk of violence from this man. Why give him the benefit of the doubt? You owe this guy nothing and you are entitled to protect your body and your mind from this unceasing and possibly escalating harassment.

    I would also consult with the police about whether your brother should also file a restraining order since he's being bothered as well. Either that, or your brother needs to stand up to this creepy ex and tell him he's not welcome to "tag along" everywhere he goes and show up at parties.
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    asking's Avatar
    asking Posts: 2,673, Reputation: 660
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    #7

    Aug 26, 2009, 10:10 PM

    According to the U.S. Bureau of Justice:

    Stalking is defined as a course of conduct directed at a specific person that
    Would cause a reasonable person to feel fear. The [2006] Supplemental
    Victimization Survey (SVS).. . Classified individuals as stalking victims if they
    Responded that they experienced at least one of these
    Behaviors on at least two separate occasions. In addition,
    The individuals must have feared for their safety or that of a
    Family member as a result of the course of conduct, or have
    Experienced additional threatening behaviors that would
    Cause a reasonable person to feel fear.

    The SVS measured the following stalking behaviors:
    • making unwanted phone calls
    • sending unsolicited or unwanted letters or e-mails
    • following or spying on the victim
    • showing up at places without a legitimate reason
    • waiting at places for the victim
    • leaving unwanted items, presents, or flowers
    • posting information or spreading rumors about the victim
    On the internet, in a public place, or by word of mouth.
    http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/svus.pdf
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    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
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    #8

    Aug 27, 2009, 08:56 AM

    Thank you so much everyone! This is really helpful to me! I live in Norway and I don't know what the laws are here, but I'm going to call this number the police have (where you can ask questions, report minor incidents etc.)

    I don't think I'm risking violence, but I am risking a sense of mental terror. He sent the message yesterday because I didn't answer the last one he sent 2.5 weeks ago.

    Gemini: the definition you have given.. I really feel that's spot on. Whenever he has gotten a chance to see me this summer.. even just passing me on the street he tells me how I'm the one and how he sees this now... blah, blah blah.

    He has a mental disorder and I got the in depth story from his sister last year. In 2005 he had a serious breakdown. He was diagnosed with a psychotic break and was really sick for almost 2 years... all of 2005 and 2006. When I met him in the summer of 2007 he was fine, but in January 2008 I started notecing that he was acting starngly... talking to himself. He could be playing the piano and then suddenly stop: laugh, talk to himself and continue

    and he has admitted that he has huge difficulties in separating reality from fantasy... and I def see this as such a case.

    what I did yesterday (and trust me I'm not sure if this was a good idea or not... ) but I sent him a mail on Facebook and told him to leave me alone. I don't want to hear from him, I don't want him in my life and he needs to accept this. I told him to not text me and that I will take some serious measures if he doesn't stop this.

    I don't know how he got my number... I've had some problems with my old phonenumber still existing and I don't know, to be quite honest if I'm still unlisted...

    oh, I have told my x that I am seeing someone... still he won't back away!

    Thank you for your support and advice it really means a lot to me!
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    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
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    #9

    Aug 27, 2009, 09:02 AM
    I have to admit that I am scared that he will mess up my life, and that he is going to show up outside my apartment... or try to fit into my life some how... like how he strated hanging out with my brother... he even asked my brother if he wanted to come along one weekend in may to my x's cabin...

    and once he couldn't get a hold of my brother he called our mom and asked for him.
    Helpful
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,652, Reputation: 1318
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    #10

    Aug 27, 2009, 09:07 AM

    You have encountered a stage 2 clinger and need to vacate immediately!

    Block his number, file a protection order and be done with it. Sucks to know he is making life this difficult for you. What a creepy dude. I actually feel bad for the guy.
    Helpful (1)

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