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Alty · Dec 6, 2013, 05:43 PM

Originally Posted by Matt999

Thanks Taliman she is not a slag or anything like that! I would love to smash there heads in! Sometimes I picture kicking the head of the first guy who she was seeing at the time makes me feel a bit better lol

Matt, I'm going to tell you something I don't post often, and hopefully my story will help you somehow.

I was molested as a child, by my female cousin (I'm also female). It started when I was 5 and lasted for many years. The first person I ever told about it was my now husband (he wasn't my husband when I told him).

I was a promiscuous teen. At the time I didn't understand that I was doing what I was doing because I was molested. I just didn't give a damn about myself.

At 18 I was raped. It was someone I knew, but didn't know very well. A friend of an ex-boyfriend. He came over when my parents were away, got in the door because he told me he came to talk about Claudio, my ex. He raped me in my house, in my bed, the bed I slept in until I got married at 24.

I told my husband all of this while we were dating. I've had more partners than he has. Many more. He wasn't upset because of that, he was upset because I was hurt, because I had to go through what I went through.

The difference between you and my husband, is that my husband, although mad about what happened in my life, wasn't mad at me because of it. I sense, in your posts, that you're mad at your girlfriend, which is why you can't get past this.

That's not a good thing. That's why I post what I post to you. If she's over this, than you have to get over it. Stop being mad at her for her past!

Matt999 · Dec 6, 2013, 06:19 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

Matt, I'm going to tell you something I don't post often, and hopefully my story will help you somehow.

I was molested as a child, by my female cousin (I'm also female). It started when I was 5 and lasted for many years. The first person I ever told about it was my now husband (he wasn't my husband when I told him).

I was a promiscuous teen. At the time I didn't understand that I was doing what I was doing because I was molested. I just didn't give a damn about myself.

At 18 I was raped. It was someone I knew, but didn't know very well. A friend of an ex-boyfriend. He came over when my parents were away, got in the door because he told me he came to talk about Claudio, my ex. He raped me in my house, in my bed, the bed I slept in until I got married at 24.

I told my husband all of this while we were dating. I've had more partners than he has. Many more. He wasn't upset because of that, he was upset because I was hurt, because I had to go through what I went through.

The difference between you and my husband, is that my husband, although mad about what happened in my life, wasn't mad at me because of it. I sense, in your posts, that you're mad at your girlfriend, which is why you can't get past this.

That's not a good thing. That's why I post what I post to you. If she's over this, than you have to get over it. Stop being mad at her for her past!

Wow that is good advise sorry for you I did take it out on her at first because I couldn't deal with it now I get angry because I want to kick this lads head in! Did you report it because my girfriend didn't x

Alty · Dec 6, 2013, 06:57 PM

Originally Posted by Matt999

Wow that is good advise sorry for you I did take it out on her at first because I couldn't deal with it now I get angry because I want to kick this lads head in! Did you report it because my girfriend didn't x

I didn't. I never told my parents that my cousin, also my babysitter, molested me. Not that they wouldn't have believed me, or understood, but my dad would have likely ended up in jail because of it. Same with the rape. I never told because I knew how my dad would have reacted, and it would have ended badly. I also didn't want them to ever look at me like I was a victim. See me as anything but the daughter they loved so very much.

I was a victim in too many ways, and I can't say it didn't have an effect on me, it did, way too much. But I've learned to accept that my past has nothing to do with my future, with my present. I'm married to a wonderful man that would not only give his life for me, but accepts me as I am. I have two wonderful children that I love more than life itself. I have done therapy, which helped me accept my past.

I'm sorry if I was hard on you before. I understand now that you're not mad at your girlfriend, you're mad that she had to endure what she did. You can't change that anymore than she can. Dealing with it, and moving forward, is the answer for both of you. It really is.

Matt999 · Dec 7, 2013, 04:46 AM

Originally Posted by Alty

I didn't. I never told my parents that my cousin, also my babysitter, molested me. Not that they wouldn't have believed me, or understood, but my dad would have likely ended up in jail because of it. Same with the rape. I never told because I knew how my dad would have reacted, and it would have ended badly. I also didn't want them to ever look at me like I was a victim. See me as anything but the daughter they loved so very much.

I was a victim in too many ways, and I can't say it didn't have an effect on me, it did, way too much. But I've learned to accept that my past has nothing to do with my future, with my present. I'm married to a wonderful man that would not only give his life for me, but accepts me as I am. I have two wonderful children that I love more than life itself. I have done therapy, which helped me accept my past.

I'm sorry if I was hard on you before. I understand now that you're not mad at your girlfriend, you're mad that she had to endure what she did. You can't change that anymore than she can. Dealing with it, and moving forward, is the answer for both of you. It really is.

So the lad when you was 18 got away with it? I need to realise the fact that it was sexual assault in my head I try to avoid that because I don't want to look at her as a victim and feel sorry for her she's has a tough life! Once I accept it was rape I'll be OK I think! It wasn't a mmf it was rape by two lads I get it now

Alty · Dec 7, 2013, 05:19 PM

Originally Posted by Matt999

So the lad when you was 18 got away with it? I need to realise the fact that it was sexual assault in my head I try to avoid that because I don't want to look at her as a victim and feel sorry for her she's has a tough life! Once I accept it was rape I'll be OK I think! It wasn't a mmf it was rape by two lads I get it now

Understanding it is half the battle. Accepting that it happened, that you can't change it, that she can't change it, and moving on together, that's the major battle.

My husband (then boyfriend) wanted to kill both my cousin and the guy that raped me, when he first found out. That wouldn't have helped at all. He'd have been arrested, even if he just beat the guy up, and then what? I'd be reminded every day that something that I couldn't control, ruined my now husbands life.

Trust me, I would have liked to take more than a few swings at this guy, and my cousin, more than a few times in my life. But how does that help me? It doesn't. No matter what happens to them, what happened still happened. It doesn't change a thing. The secret is letting that anger, that hate, go. Trust me, they don't stay awake at night because I'm mad at what they did. My hurt isn't affecting them at all. So why let them have that much power over me, when they already took some of my power away?

I live my life for me. I don't forget the past, I never can, but I've taken back the power they think they took from me, and I've moved on. I won't dwell on the past because dwelling on it doesn't change anything. I look to the future. I won't let them ruin my life. Don't let this ruin hers or yours. Move forward, look to the future. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past.

Matt999 · Dec 7, 2013, 06:00 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

Understanding it is half the battle. Accepting that it happened, that you can't change it, that she can't change it, and moving on together, that's the major battle.

My husband (then boyfriend) wanted to kill both my cousin and the guy that raped me, when he first found out. That wouldn't have helped at all. He'd have been arrested, even if he just beat the guy up, and then what? I'd be reminded every day that something that I couldn't control, ruined my now husbands life.

Trust me, I would have liked to take more than a few swings at this guy, and my cousin, more than a few times in my life. But how does that help me? It doesn't. No matter what happens to them, what happened still happened. It doesn't change a thing. The secret is letting that anger, that hate, go. Trust me, they don't stay awake at night because I'm mad at what they did. My hurt isn't affecting them at all. So why let them have that much power over me, when they already took some of my power away?

I live my life for me. I don't forget the past, I never can, but I've taken back the power they think they took from me, and I've moved on. I won't dwell on the past because dwelling on it doesn't change anything. I look to the future. I won't let them ruin my life. Don't let this ruin hers or yours. Move forward, look to the future. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past.

Wow your advise is the best anyone has ever told me, after what you put last night it's really helped me today I just never wanted to accept it was rape in my head so I didn't look at her as a victim but once I've started to accost it's was raped and not a mmf it's been easier! That's why I did take it out in her a first, I've learnt not to take things out on the ones that love u! I feel bad for blaming her and making her relive this nightmare if hers! It dies help when I think of it that I want to kill this but I won't let her no that :) thanks your one strong amazing woman. It's good to talk to someone who had experienced this sort if thing!

Alty · Dec 7, 2013, 07:00 PM

Originally Posted by Matt999

Wow your advise is the best anyone has ever told me, after what you put last night it's really helped me today I just never wanted to accept it was rape in my head so I didn't look at her as a victim but once I've started to accost it's was raped and not a mmf it's been easier! That's why I did take it out in her a first, I've learnt not to take things out on the ones that love u! I feel bad for blaming her and making her relive this nightmare if hers! It dies help when I think of it that I want to kill this but I won't let her no that :) thanks your one strong amazing woman. It's good to talk to someone who had experienced this sort if thing!

Realizing what it is, and dealing with it, is a major step. It will be easier now that you've accepted what happened. Love her. Love her unconditionally. Be there for her, listen to her, but don't push her to talk about any of this, and don't let it ruin your life, or hers. Look to the future. The future can be great with this woman if you let the past go.

I really would continue counseling, and I'd suggest it to her as well, but that's her call. I wasn't ready for counseling until a few years ago. She has to decide when and if she's ready for that. But you can get counseling to help deal with your anger, and the pain you feel for her. Most of all, you have to let it go. No matter what you do, or how you feel, her past is always going to be there. It is what it is. It can't be changed. I'd really hate to see both of you dwelling on something you can't change.

Keep me posted on how it's going. If you ever need any advice, I'm here to help as much as I can.

Good luck to you both. :)

Matt999 · Dec 7, 2013, 07:31 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

Realizing what it is, and dealing with it, is a major step. It will be easier now that you've accepted what happened. Love her. Love her unconditionally. Be there for her, listen to her, but don't push her to talk about any of this, and don't let it ruin your life, or hers. Look to the future. The future can be great with this woman if you let the past go.

I really would continue counseling, and I'd suggest it to her as well, but that's her call. I wasn't ready for counseling until a few years ago. She has to decide when and if she's ready for that. But you can get counseling to help deal with your anger, and the pain you feel for her. Most of all, you have to let it go. No matter what you do, or how you feel, her past is always going to be there. It is what it is. It can't be changed. I'd really hate to see both of you dwelling on something you can't change.

Keep me posted on how it's going. If you ever need any advice, I'm here to help as much as I can.

Good luck to you both. :)

Yeh thank you for your help she's over it it was nearlly 3 years ago it's me but I'll get there I didn't want her to no if it still affects me because that will make her re live it! That it's affecting someone she loves more than anything in the world x

Matt999 · Mar 12, 2014, 06:39 PM

Just for the record guys thanks for your help but the girl I was with was a lier I can't do with that