I am having a really difficult problem in my marriage right now, and it is causing me a great deal of anguish. I'm at a loss here and I have no idea what to do.

I have been married for seven months, but my husband and I dated for four years prior to our wedding. In that time, we had a fantastic sex life. Even after years passed and the "newness" wore off, we still could not keep our hands off of one another. Unfortunately, since we tied the knot, my husband's interest in me has steadily waned to a screeching halt. I am still very much attracted to him and would prefer sleeping with him over anyone else in the world. I am relatively young (22, he is 33), and I have not gained weight or let myself go since our wedding. In fact, since the big day I have lost 20 lbs (I'm about average build with generous curves now) and I rarely dress down. I'm attentive to my appearance without being high maintenance, so I don't think the issue along those lines.

Aside from our sex life, everything else is great. We can't get enough of one another's company, and he always wants to snuggle and touch me. I do believe he is in love with me. Objectively, I do believe he finds me attractive. But he is not interested in having sex. I did not want to approach the issue verbally, because I felt that it would put too much pressure on him. So I dropped lots of little hints, tried lingerie, rubbing up against him; you know, the usual things a woman would do in this situation. I also thought that maybe if I became more responsible so that he never had to be in the "mean daddy" role, he would view me as a mate again. I have tried. Nothing has worked.

Finally, I brought it up very directly and told him that I needed to understand what is going on with him. He admitted that he has some kind of strange problem with viewing his wife in a sexual manner. I know that some men stop associating their wives with a sexual role after she becomes a mother. It seems to be an analogous issue, except with a marriage certificate and a shared checking account instead of a baby. He didn't really consciously realize this until I prodded him to think and talk about what is going on, and he seemed greatly disturbed and upset by this realization.

The situation is consuming me and there isn't an end in sight. There's nothing much that I can do; it's pretty much all on him to mentally work through his issues. But I am incredibly unhappy. I'm not ready to give up on my sex life at age 22. An "open relationship" is not an acceptable solution; in fact, it would be the final nail in the coffin. For what it's worth, I strongly doubt that he is cheating, in case that is what anyone is thinking. I can read him like a book and I know if he is lying.

According to him, he "just needs to get out of his head". But I don't know how to deal with this in the meantime. I know it's not good thinking so fatalistically, but I can't stop wondering if this is a problem that can even be resolved, ever. Which breaks my heart because I truly am in love with him and want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I just don't know what to do.

Skell

Has he sought professional help.

Perhaps that may help!!

Has he been stressed a lot with work?

Although 33 is not old and he should still be extremely sexually active, you two are at different points in your life.

22 is still very young. At 33 he is i would imagine a little more mature than yourself. Not a bad thing. just life.

And that is no excuse nor reason, because as i said at 33 a man should still be pretty active sexually.

I agree, it doesnt appear that he is cheating to me from what you have posted.

Look at me, im just typing here and actually telling you nothing. It is a tough one because i can tell you love him but i can also understand your anguish.

You appear to be a very intelligent and level headed person and you communicated your thoughts and feeling to us here very well. I was impressed with the way shared your feelings and thoughts in your post.

And although you say you have spoken to him about this, i think you need to continue to communicate with him. No pressure, or fights. Just in a calm and laid back manner such as you have done here.

Perhaps suggest that he seek some professional help alone at first, and then perhaps with you.

Please promise though that you wont cheat. A marriage is about working through issues and problems. This is just one of many you will face. So dont go running for the hills at the first sign of a bump in the road.

Be understanding and compassionate but also forthright in communicating your thoughts and worries.

Be patient and im sure you will be back here in no time telling us how great everything is going.

I sincerely hope so.

good luck. hope others can offer more!

justagirl00

No, and it's not going to happen. Neither of us is particularly interested in therapy. I went to a therapist for YEARS and I never liked it. I was forced into going and thus I'd never try to talk him into it. Plus, he is a tough nut to crack, but I know him better than anyone else. I believe that working through the issue by talking with me will help more than a professional in this case.

Yes, he has been very busy, which is why I think he hasn't noticed how unhappy I've been. However, he's ALWAYS been busy since I've met him, and he could always make time for a quickie.

I agree. I could deal with once a week, but it's just completely stopped. And I don't think that he has a diminished sex drive, at all. It seems to be related only to me.

My worry is, if we talk too much about NOT having sex, it could eliminate any possibility for spontaneity. I am concerned that he will only be able to think about "our sexual problem" instead of simply getting aroused and enjoying sex with his wife. Does that make sense?


No worries there I could never, ever cheat. It would only make my problems worse.

Problem is, the more time that passes without a solution, the more depressed I get. And I fear that it will become a self-perpetuating cycle. Hard to feel amorous with a woman who is sad all the time...

BabyAbagail06

Hello, Do you have children??? What you should do is try doing something sweet for him or something to turn his head....try that and if it does not work, you can IM me on aim @ pattiesur23 i will chat with you and try to help you out.....

justagirl00

Nope, no children. I try to do nice things for him every day, but the problem is deeper than that. It isn't about who I am or what I do. It's about me being his wife.

Skell

OK, well if the problem is so deep and you have tried already to fix it yourself and havent been able to, then what makes you think you will be ever able to?

Now im not saying that therapy is the be all and end all. I agree that people need to work on problems themselves.

But sometimes a little help from an outside point of view can help to get things moving.

You have had negative experiences in the past. Perhaps that has to do with the fact that you were made go.

So im not suggesting you make him go. But perhaps if he really wants to solve the issue he may want to go.

Many people will share positive experiences of their time with a counselor or therapist.

It is merely a suggestion that you may need to look at.

It might offer more than you are giving it credit for.

But if you think simply because you know him best that you will be able to save all his problems then good luck to you. I sincerely hope you are right and everything works out!

good luck!

BabyAbagail06

well i dont know what to tell you

Skell

What do you mean?

I wish i could offer more to you but that is the only thing i can think of that may get him going.

There will be many others who will probably offer more so be patient and im sure you will get some great advice!

Makiavelic76

hello justagirl00, here's my humble point of view:
I think every good relationship is the result of the right interaction of 3 factors:
1) the Desire, not only refering to sex
2) the Friendship, means: "I trust you my inner thoughts knowing that you won't use them against me"
3) Compassion, "the art of giving just because you want to give"

Those 3 factors, in combination are like the 3 legs for a couple, and if one of this is not working the rest will shake..
So, you have to pay attention on what's really going on (without streess out) to see if your husband isnt receiving what he wants in order to release his Natural Desire to you (and I'm not talking about lingerie or others).. the only way: comunication, the key: find the correct form of comunication (some people don't like direct, other do, others prefer a letter, other don't, etc.)..
Receive all my greetings for being a mature and intelligent woman, always keep in mind, how much you value on this process, your princeples and establish some limits on the situation and make him know those (not because you want to pressure him, but because you love him and you embrace the problem with happy ending in mind).
Sometimes a bad therapist isn't the rule of all...
Sometimes a good book can help each other... if you both are commited to do it.
But limits are always important, because it is how you love your self (not talking about being selfish)

limits ---> comunication ----> agreements -----> win-win situation: love grows

Best wishes for both of you

s_cianci

I have to agree with Skell on this one. I think professional counseling is your only hope.