This is my first post here. I was just doing some searching and I fell upon this site.

How do I tell my girlfriend that I want to take some time off from the relationship. Reason being, I feel like I need to find and define myself as a person. I definitely do not want to completely break up with her as she is the one I def want to marry. I just feel like I dont know who I am. Also there is an addiction that I am fighting, ( no drugs or alcohol), and I just feel like I need to battle it on my own.

We recently moved out on our own, this will mark the first time that we've pretty much lived on our own. I feel like I am too dependant on her and she is too dependant on me. I want to know what its like to pretty much be dependant on myself.

Funny thing is, she kind of brought this up a couple of weeks ago, but changed her mind the next day. But the more and more that I think about it, I think it would definitely help our relationship. I do not feel like I am the best person for her in my current state however I do know that she is for me.

I kind of just want to step back, refresh myself. Define who I am and re-present myself to her.

How do I bring this up in the most mature way. I dont want her to think I'm being selfish, all about me or whatever. I just want to make things right.

HELP MEEEE

kp2171

well... her throwing it out there and pulling it back in might have been her way to get you to do the dirty work of breaking up, or maybe she genuinely is conflicted. either way, shes close enough to the edge that shes pretty much there.

breaking up to get over a porn addiction... all i can say is real life is going on around you. im not judging or saying whats right for you. but dont screw up a good relationship for something that will mean nothing to the betterment of your life. here... obviously the girl is having second thoughts, so no big shift in the universe if you give the final push.

but dont use that as an excuse to purge yourself. if anything, being single will give you more freedoms and less responsibilities, which is likely to enable your "addiction" (your words) more than prevent its escalation.

moderation in about everything is a good idea.

valinors_sorrow

Paying for porn is not a clear measure of an addiction but I hear your genuine concern. A sexual addiciton is often formed by someone who channels all their emotional needs into that particular outlet and then looks to satisfy it at greater and greater detriment to their life. A porn addiction usually is someone for whom real sexual intimacy is a problem, its used in usurping and replacing relationship and in some ways quite different from a sexual addiction. I am not sure criteria for either of these have been met.

I hear a couple having boundary (identify) and honesty (intimacy) issues, complicated by differences in sexual appetites (which can easily be affected by identity and intimacy issues) compounded by an attempt to channel some sexual urges with pornography.

I strongly favor the suggestion that you seek counseling together since there is no fruitful means for putting a relationship "on hold". It may come to light that neither of you is very able to stand your ground appropriately--meaning enforce appropriate boundaries or tell your truths-- and a therapist can help a great deal in you both acquiring those skills. Without those skills, neither of you is likely to have a very satisfying relationship with each other or anyone else for that matter.

Skell

You take a break and its over. No going back. Finished.
You need to sit down and TALK long and hard with her about all these issues.
If you want this to work and you really want to marry this girl then you need to communicate and resolve these issues together. NOT APART.
That is what being in a relationship is about. When you are going through tough times you resolve them together. NOT by taking a break. Doesnt work. That isnt what you would call a partnership is it???
I havent read all the other advice you have recieved but i think Tals suggestion of Conselling is your best option IF you want it to work.
If you / her / both of you dont think it is right to continue then you are going to have to break up and move on. And if that happens we will eb here to support you through that tough time too.
But first thing is first.
Sit down wit her. TALK with her, LISTEN to her and see what path you want to take. Then once that is decided take the appropriate action.
But just dont go and have a break. You will lose her forever!!!

s_cianci

How are the issues you've described impacting your relationship with her? If I take what you're saying at face value then it doesn't really sound like you're ready to be in any kind of relationship at all and certainly not talking about marriage. That being the case, in all fairness to her I think you should call it quits altogether, at least for right now, and work on the issues you've described in your post. It may hurt a little now but if you keep plodding along in your current state without working on the things you need to right now, it's going to eventually end up hurting much more. Also, if things are in fact having a big negative effect on your relationship, she may end up breaking up with you. On the other hand, if your problems aren't really impacting your relationship to a significant extent then a break may not be necessary or wise. Since you didn't elaborate too much on specifics in your post it's hard to say for certain what your best course of action is.

s_cianci

After reading your second post I agree with Val in that it's not certain whether or not you actually have an addiction to porn. However I do agree with those posters who have said that ending your relationship with this girl is only likely to throw you further into your porn activities rather that steer you away from them. You've suggested that your sexual needs are not compatible so you use it as a tool to not be overly sexually frustrated around her. Although it may be true that the frequencies with which you desire sexual intimacy are out of synch, I think that's a red herring you use to explain your viewing of porn online. Couple's counseling may not be a bad idea. I think that if this relationship is to survive then the two of you need to work on some heavy-duty communication skills. I think that's the heart of your problems. I think you're using the porn as a substitute for what's lacking in your interaction with this girl that you seem to care deeply about. Until you address this head-on you'll never be able to have a successful relationship with anybody.

mysticque

yes I agree with Talan. Maybe both of you can explore another element of human interaction which you can benefit together. I also agree with Jesus. On/Off relationships aren't really ideal. Maybe if you want to stay friends with that person then yes it will work for some time.