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Last week my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me. I was completely blindsided by it. We're in a long-distance relationship, but would have been out of one soon. Her reasoning is complicated, but basically she says that she feels like for the past 3.5 years she's been always making her decisions based upon me and what would make me happiest, and she needs to learn how to be independent and make decisions for her.
Of course I don't agree with that because I don't think this is the way to make things work. I wanted to continue to be with her to show her that I can help her with this but she says no. I asked her to give it one more shot and if she still feels this way at the end of the year, then I won't say a word. But still no. I drove 6 hours through the pouring rain to see her and try to change her mind, but nothing.
I know she's telling me the truth and I know there's no other guy. She would tell me if there was because as much as that would hurt, it would almost make things easier in a way.
I told her that she could walk the world and date a million guys and still not know if I was the one. I told her I wasn't sure if she was the one for me either (which is true), but that we had a rare opportunity. I'll admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend lately. I certainly haven't made her priority #1, and this isn't the first time I've done that -- not even close. But if we got back together now, and, knowing what I know now, I still drifted back into those old patterns, then we would know for certain that this wasn't going to work as is. But she said she couldn't do that, and believe me, I asked plenty of times.
What's so upsetting is that she claims she still loves me. She claims she wants this to all work out for us in the end, and that if we're meant to be, fate will decide it. But I don't believe in fate. I believe you can change things. And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return. I thought she could be that person. I honestly thought that she was the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I saw her last night and got her honest opinion in person for the first time. She told me one thing that she hadn't before: She said she still loved me with all her heart, but she didn't know if she was still in love with me or not.
She'll be home in a month, and I will too. I'm not going to wait for her because I owe it to myself not to, but on the same token, I desperately want things to somehow work out when she comes home. I feel like if it doesn't happen then, it never will, because we'll only drift farther apart and we may never live in the same city again.
My question is, I know she still loves me, but how do I make her miss me? She said she still wants to call me and IM me and talk to me, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that...it'll hurt too much. I don't want to be too familiar, because then her attitude may never change. But I also don't want to block her out, because I feel like that's almost like asking her to drift away. And I don't want to breed a false sense of jealousy or anything like that...I'm just not that type of guy. But I don't know what to do. I would do anything to get her back, and to show her just how much I could love her. Please help.
<<Seeing as i assume you know eachother through and through, why not before deciding on any drastic decissions meet up with the girl and sit together and talk and talk and talk.
>>
no i dont think he should talk anymore, he has already drove down to see her and tried to convince her...right now she needs time alone to miss him and get waht she wants ie her independence.
I realize that talking isn't going to accomplish anything. We talked for a good two hours face to face last night and trust me, there was still something there. She's made it clear that she doesn't want me out of her life, and that's the hard part. She wants to still be able to call me every once and a while and IM me because I think she does legitimately want to get back together someday. Or at the very least, that's what she thinks she wants.
But on the other side, she's clearly lost some of that love for me because if she truly did still love me, she'd want to be together now. Obviously I can't ever make her do that and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where it was forced. And I don't want her out of my life either, because if I push her out now I don't see how things could ever work. But at the same time, talking to her only gives me a false sense of hope. So I'm going to hurt either way.
And yes, my biggest fault was that I didn't always make her my #1 priority. She was the one that wanted me for a long time before I wanted her, and that dynamic I guess kind of never left. She did always give in, and I was too stubborn to. And that's a mistake I swear I will never make in a relationship again, be it with her or anyone else.
See, the thing is.... what went wrong before will very likely go wrong again should you reunite as a couple. Rarely do people get at what went really wrong, and especially for both people. So it rarely gets completely corrected. And if you both settle for hanging around each other in some sort of less than a relationship but not over thing, well, when someone else with potential comes along for either of you, LOL plan on that getting all around awkward in a hurry. This is one good reason to consider it over when its over, there are others.
See, the thing is.... what went wrong before will very likely go wrong again should you reunite as a couple. Rarely do people get at what went really wrong, and especially for both people. So it rarely gets completely corrected. And if you both settle for hanging around each other in some sort of less than a relationship but not over thing, well, when someone else with potential comes along for either of you, LOL plan on that getting all around awkward in a hurry. This is one good reason to consider it over when its over, there are others.
Just some things to think about....
I agree with you completely, and that's why I am trying to consider it over. I appealed to her last night when I said that honestly, if you took me back now and I made the same mistakes, then we'd know it wasn't meant to be way more than we would know from years of being apart. But she had made up her mind and I don't think she still loves me enough to make it work ever, which is why it sucks that she keeps giving me little snippets of hope. I mean, I just don't see how it's possible for her to fall back in love with me after something like this, but she seems to think it is. And I know she's not just saying that to try and make me feel better -- that's not her at all, and believe me, I know her better than anybody. But it's so hard not to hope.
Last week my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me. I was completely blindsided by it. We're in a long-distance relationship, but would have been out of one soon. Her reasoning is complicated, but basically she says that she feels like for the past 3.5 years she's been always making her decisions based upon me and what would make me happiest, and she needs to learn how to be independent and make decisions for her.
Of course I don't agree with that because I don't think this is the way to make things work. I wanted to continue to be with her to show her that I can help her with this but she says no. I asked her to give it one more shot and if she still feels this way at the end of the year, then I won't say a word. But still no. I drove 6 hours through the pouring rain to see her and try to change her mind, but nothing.
I know she's telling me the truth and I know there's no other guy. She would tell me if there was because as much as that would hurt, it would almost make things easier in a way.
I told her that she could walk the world and date a million guys and still not know if I was the one. I told her I wasn't sure if she was the one for me either (which is true), but that we had a rare opportunity. I'll admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend lately. I certainly haven't made her priority #1, and this isn't the first time I've done that -- not even close. But if we got back together now, and, knowing what I know now, I still drifted back into those old patterns, then we would know for certain that this wasn't going to work as is. But she said she couldn't do that, and believe me, I asked plenty of times.
What's so upsetting is that she claims she still loves me. She claims she wants this to all work out for us in the end, and that if we're meant to be, fate will decide it. But I don't believe in fate. I believe you can change things. And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return. I thought she could be that person. I honestly thought that she was the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I saw her last night and got her honest opinion in person for the first time. She told me one thing that she hadn't before: She said she still loved me with all her heart, but she didn't know if she was still in love with me or not.
She'll be home in a month, and I will too. I'm not going to wait for her because I owe it to myself not to, but on the same token, I desperately want things to somehow work out when she comes home. I feel like if it doesn't happen then, it never will, because we'll only drift farther apart and we may never live in the same city again.
My question is, I know she still loves me, but how do I make her miss me? She said she still wants to call me and IM me and talk to me, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that...it'll hurt too much. I don't want to be too familiar, because then her attitude may never change. But I also don't want to block her out, because I feel like that's almost like asking her to drift away. And I don't want to breed a false sense of jealousy or anything like that...I'm just not that type of guy. But I don't know what to do. I would do anything to get her back, and to show her just how much I could love her. Please help.
what u do is act as if u want her back then have a girl of your pick call her and ask if she wants u back if she says yes or no tell her to late he's taken
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Hi there,
Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I know all the emotions you are going through. 3.5 years is a long time to be in a serious relationship for it to just end suddenly. I have come out of a similar relationship so can imagine how this must be tearing you up inside.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tadano
Her reasoning is complicated, but basically she says that she feels like for the past 3.5 years she's been always making her decisions based upon me and what would make me happiest, and she needs to learn how to be independent and make decisions for her.
This is a good point to look at in more detail. Is she young? (18 - 25), is this her first serious relationship. If so, she may feel like she has missed out on something and that she missed the opportunity to be single and go out and have fun. She may need to test herself to see if she can be alone or just feel tied down at too young an age. Forgive me if I am wrong and if this is not relevant to her but I am unsure as I can't see the age quoted anywhere else in this thread. I think age is an important factor not to be ignored. If you would like read my thread under 'relationship breakup help', here is the link: http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...elp-39548.html
It may have some relevant responses that may relate in some way to how you can deal with this problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tadano
Of course I don't agree with that because I don't think this is the way to make things work. I wanted to continue to be with her to show her that I can help her with this but she says no. I asked her to give it one more shot and if she still feels this way at the end of the year, then I won't say a word. But still no. I drove 6 hours through the pouring rain to see her and try to change her mind, but nothing.
She has told you that she wants to be alone (at least for now). She wants to be single and independant. You cannot force people to change their minds and trying to do so will only push her further and further away. Respecting her decision is a mature way to deal with this and no doubt she would respect you for dealing with it in this way. Don't get me wrong, I also went down this road of trying to convince my ex to give it another shot, but it does not work, TRUST ME!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by tadano
I know she's telling me the truth and I know there's no other guy. She would tell me if there was because as much as that would hurt, it would almost make things easier in a way.
I kind of relate to what you are saying here, because if you knew that there was someone else, you would be questioning yourself less. Questioning where it all went wrong and what it was you thought you did or did not do in the relationship is initially part of the process of recovery. This is predominantly the case when you are the one who is quite suddenly left behind i.e. the dumpee.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tadano
I told her that she could walk the world and date a million guys and still not know if I was the one. I told her I wasn't sure if she was the one for me either (which is true), but that we had a rare opportunity.
Perhaps this is an ideal opportunity for you both to work out the answer to this question. By dating others and experiencing new situations, you may both become aware of your compatability. How are you and she to know if she and you are the one if you have not ever known anything different? I would not suggest however entering into a relationship too soon until the wounds are healed as this will result in a rebound and further problems.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tadano
I'll admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend lately. I certainly haven't made her priority #1, and this isn't the first time I've done that -- not even close. But if we got back together now, and, knowing what I know now, I still drifted back into those old patterns, then we would know for certain that this wasn't going to work as is. But she said she couldn't do that, and believe me, I asked plenty of times.
I understand what you are saying here. You realise now what it is you think you did wrong and now that you are dumped, you want the chance to put it right..
You will give anything to have that chance. The chances of you falling back into the patterns you describe is very likely without you giving yourself and herself time to work on yourselves ALONE and INDEPENDANTLY of each other. If you were to do this and have time apart to work on yourselves, in the event that you did get back together, there would be a better chance of things working out better this time. You cannot make improvements by just reconciliation immediately without working on yourself. Also, she has pointed out that she wants to explore her independance and this is an important message she has given you, not to be ignored.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tadano
What's so upsetting is that she claims she still loves me. She claims she wants this to all work out for us in the end, and that if we're meant to be, fate will decide it. But I don't believe in fate. I believe you can change things. And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return. I thought she could be that person.
She has hinted that she may want to give it another go, not just now though. She wants time to herself, ALONE. Yes, you can change things, but you can't change them by pushing and trying to force someone to change their mind because you think you may have it all worked out. You also can't change things permanantly without the risk of falling back into negative patterns without taking time out to work on yourself and other key areas in your life.
You also say that you want to need someone and be needed in return. By saying this, you are basically saying that you cannot be without her, She is your world, your life and you want yourself to be the same to her. There is a famous guy in this forum who consistently points out that: (quote) 'women are a part of your life, not your life'. If you check out some other threads you will see this valuable advice. That is why I think you may need some time out of this relationship to work on other areas of your life so that you become less available and don't place too much importance on one person alone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tadano
My question is, I know she still loves me, but how do I make her miss me? She said she still wants to call me and IM me and talk to me, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that...it'll hurt too much. I don't want to be too familiar, because then her attitude may never change.
The best things you can do here is to:
1.) Maintain NO CONTACT!! I must point out that No Contact is a time for you to work on yourself i.e. go to the gym, work hard, study, whatever..It should not be viewed as a means of getting her back. I was making this mistake but I got put right on this one by a few wise fellows. You do slip back and forth in your thinking but it will improve.
2.) Keep yourself busy, go to the gym, take up an old hobby, spend time with friends and relatives, whatever..Try to avoid alcohol where possible (it won't help)
3.)Try not to dwell on the past too much and what you think you did wrong, focus on what you can do for yourself to improve you, as a person.
I am not suggesting you do all these things in the hope that the two of you will get back together. Don't just take a break and wait to see if she comes back but take a clean sweep break. Don't close those options of someone else coming into your life. Maybe someday you'll end up with her again, maybe not, but live your life as though the latter is the only possibility.
I can see that you are at the very early stages of your grieving and persisting in your thoughts (understandably) of getting her back and this is normal. I have been in this place too and I won't make any false claims to being completely free of this way of thinking. I am now nearly 12 weeks post break-up and there is pain still there for me too.
It is all very fresh for you and in time things will start to become clearer and you will understand what people tell you in here more. It won't be easy and you will have many ups and downs. You will become stronger and will impove and if I can reiterate anything that is said in this forum, I will reiterate this: Time is a great healer and really does help.
I really do hope that it all works out for the best for you BOTH.. and just remember the saying 'every cloud has a silver lining'
Sorry about the long post...I got WAAAAAYYYYY too carried away after 3 cups of Nescafe Coffee..
Geoff said it best, and if there is any doubt, review the relationship forum, and see how many guys have been where you are, and how far they have come, previous poster included. Click on his name and I bet you can relate to his story.
This whole thread is focusing on her and manipulating the way she feels.
Can i suggest something to you that maybe a bit easier??
Concentrate on you and your actions and feelings. Considering she is her and you have no control over another person it would be naive and foolish of you to think that any 'tactic' will make her miss you.
concentrate on you. Work out what pushed her away (you have already begun this...Good!), work on making yourself a better person.
It is about YOU, not her......
Oh yeah... Just read Geoff's posts. It is the best one by far here because it focuses on you!!!!
You can click on my name too for a very very similar story (my first thread). I was like you. Was selfish at times. I have recognised that and am learning about me now. Not worrying about her.
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