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    How do I get her to believe I was never unfaithful.

    Asked Jun 28, 2008, 10:00 AM 5 Answers
    My ex-girlfriend doesn't believe I was faithful to her, we have been apart for over5 months now? I called her some abuseive names because I got tired of being accused of something I didn't do! Alls I did was try to get her to trust I was just helping a woman from church, a woman that I have been friends with for a few years now, she is a 2 time cancer survivor, and had her back broke in 6 places and had a tramatic past, I mean come on she was old enough to be my mother and nothing pretty to look at not trying to be rude just trying to give you an imiage, I helped her because she was a sister in christ and always has back pain, and I could relate because I suffer from chronic back pain! So I would just help her out in the day at her job, while my girlfriend was at work sometimes I was a bit late getting back than when I said I would be home but I cant help certain circumstances things happen that are out of my control for instance traffic and lights cmon?? I didn't see any harm in it? But my girlfriend broke up with me three months into out relation ship because she thought I was spending too much time with this other woman, I would begg her to believe me, I thought she was just trying to be controlling and manipulative and wanted me all to herself, so I retaliated to try to prove I wasn't doing anything other than helping a good friend, and to me that's all it was nothing more, I got tired of getting accused of something I wasn't doing and called her some names and will forever be ashamed of, so we've been separated for over five months now but we still talk every day and she says she loves me, but won't stop being mean and hurtful to me I get it so I let her, she is mad because I spent too much time with another woman, I didn't realize at the time but I finally looked at it from her perspective and I would have been furious if she was seeing a guy every day even if she said it was just a friend,
    I love her I wanted to marry her, I'm 32 never married she is 39 been married 4 times and has 3 children from her first huspend, I don't hold her past against her I try to be understanding and patient to her! And I love and treated her children like they are my own, god knows I love those children, 18,15,10. But she says she will not let me come back around until she knows things are right between us and I am glad she is that way I don't blame her, 8 months I've known her now and we've been apart for 5?she says give it time and not to push so I don't! But she also says she just wants to be friends now and that's it should I give up and not bother being her friend because I'm afraid I'm going to watch her heal and end up in some other mans arms, and I'm going to still be stuck hurting?
    How do I get her to believe I never cheated on her, I lived with her in the beginning and I would come home from helping this other woman and she would be crying, and I would get down on my knees and begg her to believe I was just helping a good friend and that is all it was! And she would begg me to stop, and I got resentful and pushed it to try to get her to trust me, I knew she had some trust issues because every marriage she was cheated on and hit around, god knows I would never do something like that, but I didn't know it was that bad! I didn't see what I was doing at the time, and now I know what it may look like to her but I didn't do anything with that other woman!
    I want to be with my ex again we still haven't gone a day with out talking to each other but she just won't let go of all of the hurt we have done to each other over the past 5 months I have known her for 8 months now, and I still want to be with her, but I'm afraid if we ever do get back together some day she will cheat on me in retaliation for something I never did and that scares the crap out of me, I have always been cheated on and I know how she may feel but I have never been unfaithful in any relationship. But I'm afraid if we ever do get back she will do this she did this to a huspend she was married to once because he was watching porn while she was working three jobs, so she had sex with the neighbor a long time ago, she is christian but I'm still afraid she would do it again to get back at me 4 something I never did alls I did was help a friend, yes I may have spent too much time doing that and we are where we are because of that but I still didn't do anything with her, so hiow do I get my ex-girlfriend that I love more than anything to believe me, I'm a recovering alcoholic and been sober for over 3 and a half years but I'm afraid if I ever did get back with her, or not and see her with another man happy I may loose it and start drinking again and it will literally kill me, I pray every day for some solice and answers, she says give it time, that she still loves me like no other, but I'm afraid its never going to be like it was in the beginning and if we ever do get back alls she is going to do is treat me like crap and walk all over me, god help me, what do I do?? she says she needs time to work on herself and when we are together she doesn't do that that's why we've been apart for so long, but will she ever learn to trust me, she says she is still in love with me but is she really, or is she in love with what we had and is keeping me on a string because she doesn't want me but doesn't want anybody else to be with me either? We constantly say fine were both done with it all, but 2 seconds later were both telling each other we love each other then things start to look like progress then bam she brings up the past? Saying that I shouldn't have put another woman heart first and I should have listened when she was begging me to stop helping that other woman? And I did I a way but she doesn't believe that she thinks I still put another woman first and I didn't? and no matter how much affection and appreciation I try to show her its just like she doesn't or won't believe me, and she just keeps saying give it more time? But I guess the main thing reason is I'm scared to see her at church with another man, she's already been to dinner with a couple of her guy friends, she says just friends if she wanted them she would be with them, before I met her she jumped from relationship to relationship, saying she got bored, and one of her marriages lasted 4 months she said she was with him just because he was a man of god she wasn't really attracted to him and the one where she cheated a long time ago she said she wasn't attracted to him either he just knew what to say and her huspend was watching porn whether he did it once or not I don't know and if he stopped after she caught him I don't know, but I'm also afraid if we ever did get back together she said she wouldn't, but knowing that now I'm afraid I really don't know what to do?? would she?

    Last edited by inyhunter; Jun 28, 2008 at 04:08 PM.
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    5 Answers
    westnlas's Avatar
    westnlas Posts: 322, Reputation: 25
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    #2

    Jun 28, 2008, 10:12 AM
    Unfortunately, or perhaps for the better, this relationship has died. The same thing happened to my son recently, whose girlfriend scrapped the wedding plans and gave him back the ring. She is 43 and 10 years older than him. He has never married and she was married 3 times with children from each.

    I believe that some people really like falling in love. The start of a relationship is often the most thrilling times of their lives. The plans for the future, the newness of the other person, etc.

    However, these women have seen past relationships run their course. Dating and marriage quite often are different in many aspects. Dealing with children, finances, daily living take the shine off. This woman has done all of this. Several times in fact. You have never been there yet.

    I doubt your helping someone, anyone, is the reason for the breakup. And I don't think pursuing her further will be anything but toxic to you. You will survive this pain. We all do at some point in our lives. I think you should let this one go and move on with your life.
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    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,410, Reputation: 995
    Software Expert
     
    #3

    Jun 28, 2008, 03:04 PM
    You've never been married, you have NO idea where this woman is coming from.

    She's been married 4 times, I'd be surprised if she ever trusted a man ever again. Holy cow!

    You cannot ever MAKE someone believe anything. Ever. You can calmly present the facts and enjoy the show if they don't believe you, or not. She's never going to believe anything she doesn't want to believe, probably understandable based on her history.

    Oh, and you're willing "overlook" her past marriages and kids? How nice of you. I didn't realize a person's important history and other humans were something to be overlooked. That's a telling phrase.

    Short story, you two are not compatible in the least. I know, you love each other, blah balh. I'm talking about being in a position to enhance each other's lives. You're not.

    I don't see enough deference in your demeanor to cater to her insecurities long enough to keep a marriage together, you seem more interested in a normal, non-jealous relationship. Ignore that fact and I can promise you one thing, you will be her 5th ex-husband.

    She needs someone other than your character-type for a successful relationship and so do you.
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    Distantlove's Avatar
    Distantlove Posts: 122, Reputation: 13
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    #4

    Jun 28, 2008, 03:26 PM
    You need to stop contacting her now. You're not getting over her at all in the 5 months you have been apart because you are still talking, and this means that you are dragging time, and missing out on meeting the real person you are to marry. Personally, I don't think that relationship will be right for you. You are obviously kind and helpful towards this other lady, and it made you feel like a good person to help her, however you have to be put down when your girlfriend accuses you of cheating on her, causing you to beg for her to believe you. And you keep having to do it. And there's no change in her mind. And she will accuse you again. And you will beg again. It's a circle of no trust.. Of course, it may be understandable that she can't trust men because of her past, and so, she doesn't trust YOU. How does it feel to feel like the bad guy who is unfaithful? When really you're not. She will never believe you, its just how she is. Without trust, there is no relationship. Move on from this, stop talking to her, quicken the time to get over her, rather than prolong it and get nowhere. Meet someone who can trust you, and instead of accusing you of being unfaithful, actually admires your kind and considerate character towards others.
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    SingingNun's Avatar
    SingingNun Posts: 32, Reputation: 3
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    #5

    Jun 28, 2008, 03:43 PM
    You have to just let her go. If she's not going to believe you, then she's not going to believe you. End of story. You could bring down the whole heavenly choir in your defense and it still probably wouldn't do any good.

    The fact is - she doesn't want to believe you.

    She is looking for anything to find wrong, and she thinks she found it in a senior citizen that you were trying to help. If it hadn't been that woman it would have been someone or something else you were accused of.

    You have to move on. Stop calling on her, stop dwelling on her and come to terms that you cannot ever prove to her that you didn't do something. She apparently does not want to hear it.

    Don't spend your life trying to be with someone who goes out of their way to find fault in you (this means friends too). Find someone who trusts you and loves you. Understand that she doesn't love you the way you love her and that you have to accept this and that this isn't working.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,066, Reputation: 10289
    Senior Family & People Expert
     
    #6

    Jun 28, 2008, 08:26 PM


    For all that detail, and long post my advice is short and simple, Do get involved and do not contact her ever again. You will end up as crazy and dysfunctional as she is.
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