How do I get my boyfriend to stop always getting angry with me?
Asked Apr 20, 2010, 02:35 PM
My boyfriend is amazing. He is smart, he is funny, he is handsome, he is educated, he is charming, and he knows it. He really is everything I hope for in a man. The problem is, he gets mad at me about EVERYTHING. We argue almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. He tends to bring up past arguments over and over again, and gets mad about the littlest things. When we argue he says really hurtful things. Tells me to stop talking, always tells me I'm not right for him if I can't make the changes he wants me to make ( like I'm not allowed to hang out with anyone without first telling him who and where. And there better not be guys there. Also I'm not allowed to hang out with my gay best friend who I have known for 10 years because he is a guy... ) He says things in an argument that make me cry and cut me deep. He will ask me questions like "Tiffany, were you wrong, yes or no." if I try to explain my perspective he will cut me off and say "stop talking. YES, or NO. I don't want your explaination. A lot of times it's things i really don't feel should be a major issue. Like someone I know walks by while we are sitting at starbucks and i say hi for a second. This person was a man. I guess in saying hi, I am an untrustworthy attention starved little girl. That may be a direct quote. He really hurts me, and I try to tell him in the most tender way, "you're hurting me. Your tone hurts and the harsh things you say hurt. They stick with me for days, weeks even." he continues to do it anyways. I feel like when I am most vulnerable, he tells me I'm too much. Or what I'm doing isn't working for him. These words are so hurtful. It makes me feel like i'm not captivating, or alluring to him. I want to be the Beauty. I want to be admired for my heart, and my efforts, and pursued. Not reminded on a daily basis of every single time I've wronged him, or the many ways I evidently fail him. I made a frozen pizza one night and accidentily burned it and he was so mad at me. I immediately went to the store and bought a new one and made it, and he did apologize. That's the thing. He will hurt me, but then once he "wins" the argument, and I'm in tears or begging him to stay, he will relax, smoke a cigarette and then apologize and tell me how much he loves me. Then he goes on pretending nothing ever happened, until our next argument where he will bring up that argument, and every previous one where I was "wrong". It hurts. How can I soften him up. He's a military man, and very traditional. He is 28 and I am 23. We do not live together, though we stay most nights together. He stays at my apartment often.He is much more successful in his life thus far than I am, and he points this out to me often in little ways. (mind you he has 5 years on me, and his family really set him up for success. I am an orphan. Never had a dad, and my mom died when I was 15. Not really setting me up for success.) How do I get through to his heart in an argument. He is the sweetest most endearing man when he is happy, but whenever he is mad he is so hurtful... how do I bring out his tenderness??