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youngpar · Jun 3, 2007, 01:43 PM

My ex-girlfriend and I are slowly getting back together. We stay at each other's house, share computer, house keys, etc. We had comeback to her place from a weekend together and I checked my email. There were browser screens already open (she forgot to close her websites and shutdown) about a visit to see a former lover: open email from him about the plans; booked flight itinerary; confirmed hotel receipt, romantic-things-to-do pages, etc. I looked in the browser history and therein were other visited sites about the trip. At first I thought it was a passive way of letting me know but I really think she forgot to close down the computer. She said she was just visiting hometown friends/folks. I asked a few more times but got a combative, restless response about 'just seeing friends'.

How do I confront her? I feel like I was snooping... like reading a diary. This is not so much about the lie, ex-lover, or getting back together - that's certainly NOT happening anymore - but am I not valid in approaching her given how I discovered this? And whether I am or not how do I confront this?

Ladyviper · Jun 3, 2007, 02:00 PM

Confront her calmly, just tell her this is what is bothering you and this is what you found. Ask her what she has to say for it, and go from there. If she gets defensive or combative, then you know it is something she is denying. Try not to argue or provoke her into arguing, as it will not accomplish anything and you will not get the closure you need.

talaniman · Jun 3, 2007, 03:39 PM

Not your fault she left it for anyone to find, but ask yourself do you trust what she says or not? She has already told you her side, so either let it go, and trust her or not.

youngpar · Jun 4, 2007, 09:37 AM

Thanks for the responses.

We finally talked - over 2 hours of our issues. By the time we got to the "vacation", my conundrum was irrelevant as we put an end to our relationship. Funny enough, a huge part of the talk regarded her frustration of how I didn't trust her - and how she couldn't live under that. I heard her out and then proceeded to ask her about her plans - and she still WASN'T straight with me. She danced around it, said a lot of 'maybe', 'not sure yet', 'thinking about', 'possibly see him with other friends', 'im just going away by myself', 'haven't even made plans yet', etc.

It seemed like the right time to tell her I "already knew", but at that point I was just questioning the whole scenario - why am I with this person, why am I in this situation, why am I struggling for justice with a person like this? If she is so hung up on being trusted while lying to me in the same breath, is this really MY problem? Catching her in the act of lying seemed so futile this time, like a lose-lose situation. If she wants to be trusted and she's aware she's lying then that's crazy. If she is unaware she is lying then that's a bigger problem. But not one Im going to deal with anymore.

rileyma · Jun 4, 2007, 10:26 AM

You bet you have every right to confront her on this issue. It's not your fault that she left the computer open. She lied to you... period! Therefore, your trust in her is now lost. And I always say that once the trust is gone... the relationship is gone. I've been through this before and I have learned how hard it is to get the trust back. You will go through a lot of wondering and paranoid states of mind for quite some time.

My advice is to tell her that you know the truth and tell her that you need time to think about your relationship. Obviously she is thinking about seeing other people here. I would recommend that you do the same.