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while i was growing up, i wasnt allowed to do anything. i wasnt able to stay after school, go out with friends, talk on the phone, or even go out in the yard by self when i was 16. my mother was epileptic and the person shes married to was abusive to me and my mother. regardless,i finally reported them to cps and got out of the house. Now im 19 and im living with my fiance. The only thing is i find myself putting restraints on him like my "mother" and her husband used to do. example: i wont let him talk to any girls, go out with his friends without me there. i check his email, his aim has the logging on it and i can go on forever. ive explained to him as best as i could why i do these things and he seems to understand and lets me do whatever i feel the need to do. its just while i think i know why im doing it. i just dont know how to stop doing it... and as okay as my fiance seems about this i know he thinks i dont trust him
Bluntly: monkey see, monkey do. We are creatures of many things, and the way we are raised greatly affects who we are and the decisions we make for the rest of our lives. You may not want to be with your mom and step dad, but that's the only life you know, and because you are familiar with it, thats what you want to do.
Have you ever been single since you left your parents? If so, how long were you alone? You also may be dependant on relationships. The best way to change, is to be alone for several months and really think about things. Also, you could see a shrink. You don't have to be crazy to see one, they meerly help arrange thoughts in your head that allow you to think better.
before my fiance i was single for a while. i did do some casual dating but that was basically it. while i was living with my "parents" i was with someone but he was more like a best friend then anything else.
i think the shrink is a good idea, though ive been saying i should go to one for as long as i remember its one of those things i dont seem to get around to... especially now since me and my fiance moved intogether things have been pretty busy.
the thing that bothers me most though is that i see what im doing, and i dont like that im doing it but yet im still doing it. if u can see yourself doing something and you dont want to do it in my prospective u should be able to stop, but its just not happening for me. and i guess thats the part thats just getting to me more and more.
not to go off on a random tangent but theres other things about myself that i notice that are small but are there.
also thanks to all who posted and 4 the opinons and suggestions
while i was growing up, i wasnt allowed to do anything. i wasnt able to stay after school, go out with friends, talk on the phone, or even go out in the yard by self when i was 16. my mother was epileptic and the person shes married to was abusive to me and my mother. regardless,i finally reported them to cps and got out of the house. Now im 19 and im living with my fiance. The only thing is i find myself putting restraints on him like my "mother" and her husband used to do. example: i wont let him talk to any girls, go out with his friends without me there. i check his email, his aim has the logging on it and i can go on forever. ive explained to him as best as i could why i do these things and he seems to understand and lets me do whatever i feel the need to do. its just while i think i know why im doing it. i just dont know how to stop doing it... and as okay as my fiance seems about this i know he thinks i dont trust him
Stop doing this. Trust me. You have to realize that he is not your mother or your past period. You are going to loose a very good guy if you continue to do this. You have to let go of your past. Start trying to trust him. Take it slow. If he says he's going out say "okay, have fun." and TRUST that he'll be where he is at. You have to do that much for him. No one wants a nagging girlfriend or friend in their life. I'm sure you have friends that have bf's that are WAY too protective and you look at them like "geez...does she even let him breath?" That's you! Wake up kiddo. You can change things about you! Let your past go and say to yourself "that may have happend then, but I can change things for the better starting now!" YOU have to be the one to put an end to all of this craziness or your kids will follow in YOUR foot steps. Please, for the sake of the relationship, let him have his alone and down time. It's only fair. He'd do it for you.
I personally think that the main thing you need to do is deal with your past coz this is where it comes from and if you cant deal with your past how can you change it? So really I think getting help to do that and even taking you fiance with you on accasions so he can even get a greater understanding of it.
He sounds like a very wonderful and understanding guy if he is doing all that for you. You owe it to him tho to let him go out without you tho, you only have to start small like 1hour to start with where he will just go to a mates or something, work your way up, starting small sometimes is the best thing you can do.
I think you just need a little guidance to show you how to change, a counselor can help greatly. At least you acknowledge the problem, thats half the battle. I think you are impulsively stuck on the ways of the ones that raised you.
There is a true saying that goes something like this, "if you do not learn from history, you are bound to repeat the same mistakes." People have given you some excellent advice here - getting to see a professional counselor, learning how to be single for a while (not getting involved with anyone until you get your head straightened out), learning how to let go of the control issues, learn to trust yourself first (then you can trust others).
the whole "learn to be single" isn't helping her one bit...she's already with her fiance.
...so in the fiance's point of view...there's a girl who's extremely insecure and doesn't trust him, but he understands and lets her act out her insecurities...and is very nice about it...and she up and leaves him?
perhaps you could talk to your fiance, go to a counselor, and ask both the fiance and the counselor to help you get better.
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