Hello everyone,

My mother brought me up with integrity, good ethics and morals. My father had an affair when we moved to NY and I was in grade school. I saw how this destroyed her and our family. My parents are now divorced and I have a good relationship with my father, however, I have experienced how affairs affect everyone involved. All my close friends know my strong feelings about this subject and how it hits close to home.

I found out that my best friend's boss has told her that he has "feelings" for her. He has told her that he thinks about her all the time and emails her that she "looks beautiful", etc. He told her that he in not happy with his wife of 10 years and asked her if he was single, would she go for him...etc. They are also constantly exchanging messages on email and text all day... so who knows what else he tells her and what she responds back with. He is also very married with 3 or 4 children. My friend is a very insecure and needy person so she is enjoying the attention especially since she hasnt had a boyfriend in 5 years.

She has an affair with a married man in the past, so I dont think she would do it again due to all the pain and emotional distress it caused her. She became very depressed, suicidal and had panic attacks (couldnt leave the house for days, wouldnt eat, couldn't go out to nite clubs, couldnt take the subway or buses). I know people make mistakes people are not perfect. I love her and supported her when she confessed and I was there for her and helped her to get out of the mess.

She asked me for advise after she told me everything I told her that he is being selfish for pulling her into his mess. What the hell, does he think she is a home wrecker without morals? He obviously doesn't respect her for approaching her. He has no respect for what he has at home either. I said that a married man with integrity does not tell a woman he has feelings for her. why would he risk losing his job AND the fact the he is married should be a good reason why he doesn't need to go there. I told her that she should to tell him to STOP and if he doesn't, she needs report his inappropriate behavior. She said she wanted to ask him the relationship status with his wife and I responded by telling her that she should not ask. That their relationship issues are THEIR business and not hers. By asking him questions and responding back to his inappropriate emails is like giving him the wrong message. She needs to tell him to STOP. I was pretty passionate about it and I was TO THE POINT. It was done over the phone and I think I upset her. She did talk to me for several days after we spoke but recently she has stopped returning my calls.

The thing is, I have caught my poor friend in many lies in the past. I dont think she told him to stop and I think she is getting emotionally involved. In her mind, having an emotional affair is ok as long as it doesn't become sexual. She has stopped returning my calls and emails. When I went to her apartment after work several times ( my work is near her appt). I could tell she was home and she didnt open the door. Her birds were chirping up a storm and her bike was there .I love her like my sister. I would tell my own sister the same thing and MORE by encouraging her to get out before its too late. My sister said I did the right thing but I wanted to get an objective opinion. My sister is married and she said that once you are married, you feel even more passionate about issues like these. I hope that my best friend isnt upset with me for telling her how I honestly felt about the situation. But I wouldn't take what I said back. My gut feeling is telling me she may be getting involved at least emotionally at this point with this man.


** MAIN QUESTION**I dont think I can support nor respect her in her if she gets involved in another affair with a married man. People make mistakes. But I cant help to feel this way. I think MAYBE with time I can learn to deal and cope with her situation. It will be emotionally draining on me though (as it was last time). Am I a bad friend for feeling this way?

ballengerb1

Your friends sounds emotionally insecure and in pain. To cure that pain people will often do things that are inappropriate but give a temporary feeling of security. The lies may have been her attempt to keep you as a friend and not let you see the darker side to her personality. You are not being a bad friend but you may not be the person to help her. Sounds like she may need professional help. By the way, her boss is committing sexual harassment in the workplace. File that fact in the back of your mind, it may come in handy later, especially if her boss has a boss.

valinors_sorrow

You are not a bad friend. I think its important to be mindful of who we surround ourselves with, get involved with and actively support. For similar reasons as you are presenting here and then some, I have acquaintences, friends and then close friends. And from an ethics standpoint, I have lost a few friends along the way too. I most recently lost a few work-related friends when I quit a job over an ethics issue. It was very painful. They simply cannot see the lie or if they do, they claim that its harmless (its not) or if I really press them, that they cannot help it. Each to their own mistakes then, I say but I don't want to be involved with dishonesty. That simply won't work for me.

Lies really are the destroyer of a great deal but most especially trust. The closer someone is to me, the more I need to be able to trust them and so vice versa too -- the more truthful someone is, the more willing I am to let them in closer. I have long since learned that I can't help those who don't see the value of integrity or who are steeping themselves in denial. That, as Ballenfer pointed out, does take professional help, if they even pursue that. Sadly more and more people I meet (at least here in the US) are exactly like this and so the friends I have remaining, I am beginning to really cherish. This may seem extremist but I believe we have a lying epidemic in the US. LOL

rol

<<She asked me for advise after she told me everything I told her that he is being selfish for pulling her into his mess. What the hell, does he think she is a home wrecker without morals? >>

good girl, thats exactly what he is.
Good you were upfront and were direct, thats always the best way to be with friends.
Plus she knows you are right, perhaps she was just looking for a reason to justify geting involved..

monet

I agree with being mindful of who my best friends are these days. They say " tell me who your friends are and I can tell you who you are"

Supporting her in her situation is going against my beliefs and values which is why I feel like Im in a bind because she is a good person but with MAJOR issues that I cant help her with.

Thanks for everyones responses. I appreciate your thoughts. Keep them coming.

Teaching

I think you are definitely a good friend and want what is best for your friend. I think one of the things that I have learned is "one can never judge anyone" as sometimes life brings you things that surprises you. I think guiding your friend back on the right track is the best thing you could do. I do agree with you values are very very important, it is what makes us who we are. My prayers are with you and your friend.

valinors_sorrow

Truth telling is a very powerful thing. This is the truth you spoke here:

I suggest you also tell it to your friend. If this requires a suspension of your friendship until she comes to her senses or gets appropriate help, then let it be so. This is the very reason my name here has the word sorrow in it, by the way. People do some sad and unwise things these days.