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Hi. I need someone to talk to because I feel like i'm going crazy! My boyfriend broke up with me 2 days ago and all i want to do is just curl up in a ball and sleep. My eyes are so sore and red from crying that i can't even touch them to wipe my tears away anymore. Anyway, we were dating for about 4 months, which probably doesn't sound like much, but we moved really fast. We saw each other pretty much every day and we had a great relationship. We never fought and we had the best connection. Here's the thing...he's only 21 and i'm 28. He said that he needs time to be on his own and spend time with his friends because he had a long term girlfriend before me and was only single for about 8 months, prior to him turning 21. He still wants to be friends and he has called me that last two days and says he wants to be able to continue to hang out and talk to me. This confuses me, especially because he said that he might be making a mistake and he is confused. He said he doesn't want a serious relationship at all, and if he did, he would still be with me. He says all his friends tell him he is stupid for breaking up with me and he tells me over and over again that i am the greatest girl he has ever met. I'm glad that he was honest with me, but I just dont know what to do. I dont know if i can be just friends with him and i am wondering if maybe he is keeping me close just in case he decides that he did make a mistake. what do you think?
Thanks - heartbroken

tcb

HI: you need to move past him and that relationship....at 21 he is still immature.....find activities that you like to do...take classes at a community college...do somthing that you always wanted to do ......this guy moved fast because he wanted one thing...I look back regretfully on all the girls I hurt by doing exactly that....I was a scumbag.....in the future take time out to get to know one another ...that will separate the men from the boys...
good luck


been there and done that..

heartbroken

Thanks for the advice. I just find it really hard to let go. Yeah, we moved really fast, but I never thought of him as a scumbag, just looking for one thing. He has been very considerate and hasn't done anything to make me question him until this point. If he was just looking for one thing, would he still be calling me and trying to keep a connection there? Wouldn't he have just called it quits altogether if that's all he wanted?

I still find myself confused and extremely attached. What do you think?

Thanks for the advice...i need it!

BattleAngel14745

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toonking

Being 21, I'm sure this fella just wants to go out and have a good time. I'm way past that age, but found that when I had a day of the week set aside for my girlfriend, things flowed much better. My friends knew that every other Saturday night and every Sunday was off limits to them. Her friends knew the same.

If you really want this guy back, then maybe this could be a solution worth trying.

Wildcat21

He is pretty young for you.

Plus - "saw each other pretty much every day and we had a great relationship. " - KISS OF DEATH early in a relationship. You smothered him. He probably appreciated the attention early. You needed to be unavailable sometimes - be aloof and mysterious. Not always answer his calls.

'People want what they can't have' - I think you probably surrender to him.

I know when I was 21 I was only mostly looking for 1 nighters.

Go to this website: www.lovetactics.com - read the articles.

Sounds like you were way too clingy-needy.

RULE #1 in a relationship - ALWAYS take the attitude that you can take or leave that person - especially early. ALWAYS act INDIFFERENT. People want a lover who is emotionally independent - you need your own friends, work, school, hobbies, work out etc.

Early in a relationship (less than 6 months to a year) - it's a good idea not to see them every day or contact every day. It's called the gift of missing you.

ALWAYS remember the emotional independence. They wil llvoe yo ufor it.

Your lover is part of your life - never your life. If you remember that - you will never feel as bad.

Wildcat21

If you really love him:

Here are some key taxtics:

1. NO contact for a month. None.

2. Try dating some one else - 1 date. Jealousy is a huge draw.

3. Change - you have to change. You have to change the way you deal with men. These aren't games - they are Psycological tactics necessary to make some one want you and pursue you.

4. You need to be a challenge going forward.

5. You need to act like you don't care. When you break up you need to act like it's OK. "What ever you want to do, I am happy with it" - it will change their thinking going forward.

6. You need to go tothe gym. Go out with friends.

7. No contact.

8. No clingy-needy anymore - that part of your life is over.

9. In a couple months - call him and see how he is doing - invite him for coffee.

10. Learn about love tactics and the way to run a relationship. Do it as soon as possible - get thispart of your life in order.

heartbroken

Thanks so much for all your advice. I really need it right now. I cant seem to stop the constant obsessing and running everything over and over in my mind.

I know our relationship moved really fast, but he was the one doing the pushing from the get go, always wanting to see me and calling me everyday. He would have our days planned out. I even started introducing me as his girlfriend before we really had a discussion about it! But, I know now that I should have put some more distance between us.

As far as him and our relationship, he was a really great boyfriend. He was always very considerate and made me feel special. During our 4 month relationship, he CHOSE not to go out with his friends hardly ever, maybe 3 times. I always told him to go, but he said he didn't believe in going out when he had a girlfriend. He is 21, and we did have a good sex life, but sex definitely wasn't the only thing on his mind. I had no concerns or problems during our relationship. When he broke up with me I told him that i want him to be happy and he said that he was happy with me, but he just needs some time to be on his own, as he hasn't had that opportunity yet. He dated his first girlfriend in highschool and one year after he graduated and then he was only single for about 8 months before he met me.

I tried not to be too clingy - he even told me that I do a really good job of not calling him too much, like most of his friend's girlfriends. I'm so confused.
I do love him and I want him back more than anything.

Do you think there is a chance? or should I just move on?

Thanks for listening!

Wildcat21

Quote: "but he was the one doing the pushing from the get go, always wanting to see me and calling me everyday. He would have our days planned out. I even started introducing me as his girlfriend before we really had a discussion about it!"

That's kind of big red flags as well. (I've been there - when I was younger I had been that guy)

You guys definitely needed space. Seeing someone every day in the beginning is too much. And talking every day is too much. It will lead to crash and burn. You shouldn't even need to talk every day - shouldn't. Given him/her the gift of missing you.

Please check out this site as well: www.relationship.blog-city.com

heartbroken

Thanks again. The websites you gave me were very helpful and I will continue to look at them to get me through this.

I'm going to follow your advice and not contact him. I realize that I need to give him his space and some time. We definitely spent too much time together and I made the mistake of allowing it to happen...it's hard to push away the attention when it feels so good. Hopefully, by giving him some space, he will come to realize just what he missed!

Thanks a bunch!!