A few weeks I posted on hear and got some good feedback. A bit of background first. I regrettably ended a relationship with a girl I had dated for 4 years in college and graduate school. To make a long story short, I pushed her away for thoughtless and shallow reasons and destroyed what could've been a great marriage. I'm certain she was THE ONE and always will be. Problem is I contacted her after about 5 years after we finished grad. schools in different cities. I regrettably found out she's married for about 4 years. My world fell apart after this news. If I had contacted her earlier, I know things would be different. I had always wanted to and she was always on my mind but never felt she wanted to ever hear from me again. I had to contact her and ever since we have talked for hours late at night while her husband heads off to bed. She says she's happily married. Our e-mails have helped heal old wounds and she and I e-mail frequently. So much to catch up on. So much pain. Is there is any chance to think of us ever getting back togetherr? (Her husband's almost 13 years older than her, and I think I could take him in every aspect of life) She would like to meet up again in person. Yet she wants to understandably run the husband first. I know he'll agree, but seems to me that there is some small glimmer of hope of winning her back if she routinely e-mails me and takes my calls. It was her and I way before him. This shouldn't've happened. Thoughts? Never been in this situation, never thought I would be. Always have been able to correct for a mistake. This is the biggest mistake of my life.

Wondergirl

You said it right there.

Leave her alone. Don't even try to be friends. That isn't possible with you in the mental state that you're in.

Move on.

Sad Soul

Hold on.

She told you that she is happily married. Do not manipulate her by saying you want to be friends, when you're here discussing how you're hoping that her and her husband will have a divorce. What's wrong with that picture?? I'll tell you:

When you love someone, you want the best for them. You don't hope that the girl you love will suffer through a divorce. Nah; if you love that person, you let them go. And if they come back to you in an "honest" or "clean" way, then your relationship will be that much better!

But, it's time to stop living in a fantasy, and to start living in reality. The reality is that she is married.

Be mature and do the right thing, and I promise that things will work out in your favor; you will be on a clean road towards finding your soulmate, or you'll instead have, in an "honest" way, she may come back to you. Trust me, that if you do the less selfish thing, that your good energy won't go unnoticed or unrewarded. This is hard, but it's called "being a man".

Be a man.

chicago95

I tend to side with Nice1 on this topic. Yes she says she's happily married but how can one be happily married to somone more than 10 years older than her. Plus, as Nice1 answered that maybe she found a comfortable place and decided to stay there after I broke it off. It wasn't the best choice but she tried to move on. Well, guess what, I'm back. I do think there is a glimmer of hope beyond a potential friendship but I will deal with that option later if that comes around. Otherwise, why would she keep e-mailing me and taking my calls? Just recently I had a lapse in e-mailing her and she said she was concerned she had said something out of place since she hadn't heard from me. If someone is happily married, why would they opt to talk for long hours at night, respond to e-mails and even be open to meeting up again? I know I can salvage a friendship out of this but I don't think a possible relationship is completely out of the question in a couple years from now if she think she goofed also.

Wondergirl

If she goofed, let her make that decision on her own, working it out with her husband.

Please break contact and allow her that freedom.

ConfusedandLost

You know....you cannot convince someone that they are in love with you or that they made a mistake and should be with you. She has to do that on her own........by her own terms. You are placing yourself in a situation that will end very badly. Think about the following:

Say you do "convince" her to leave her husband for you. Everything is all fine and dandy for a year or so. He enters in her life and tries the EXACT same thing you did to get HER back. How do think the chips will fall? She did it for you.......she may have feelings for him still, she may feel bad on how things ended up with them. She WILL go back to him.......A relationship is like a court of law, if there is a shadow of doubt......guess what......you two will never have that healthy relationship that you deserve. You are building a foundation of deceit and lies......that will crumble.

Why is she contacting you so much? Ummmm you have alot of time that has lapsed to catch up on.

The following is my advice:

STOP reading into things!!!!!!!!!!
Look for a friendship and nothing more!
If you can't handle it, leave her alone! Stop living in a fantasy and step into planet reality.

chicago95

Let me set the record straight. I'm not trying to convince this girl that she should be with me. I am in full agreement that she needs to decide this on her own. I am not attempting to persuade her by any means. I am very greatful that she is still willing to talk and catch up and let me be a part of her life again. Whether she'll in time realize what she lost remains to be seen. I think it is interesting to note that in our initial e-mails she stated she tried not to think about our past because of the pain...however it is becoming evident she is remembering our past---a goal I was hoping for as I could not bear the thought that she had forgotten all of our good times.

However, answer me this. Why would someone want to catch up with her first love if she was happily married, etc. Why might it not be for the same reason as to find out if there is anything there and whether she might've too made a mistake? Granted, I believe her primary reason would be to come out with a friendship but you have to admit, it is interesting to ponder (even my friends tell me that at least right now, the potential for this to be more someday exists...however microscopic those chances are).

As far as the reality bit, I've never been so connected to life as I am now. If she was not married then maybe I'd side with everyone saying my hopes for a friendship, etc. are fantasy. However, realizing she is married has brought me out of a long slumber on life.