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I was married for 15 years to a classically abusive husband who undermined me and intimidated me on a regular basis. We have two kids together. We separated and divorced 6 years ago and recently I have been seriously looking for another partner. I met someone I was really attracted to recently. He wants to spend a weekend together and at first I was enthusiastic but suddenly in the last week I'm getting completely cold feet and don't want to even talk to him. I don't know whether he's really that bad or if I'm just wary of relationships at this point and coming up with excuses. Most of the time, he's charming. But sometimes he seems very angry. He's been separated just one year and is still angry with is ex wife, which seems normal. But he's angrier with her than I am with my ex, who was and is pretty bad.
On our first date, he got in to an altercation with another driver and they ended up shouting at each other. This week he happened to mention a local politician and began lambasting the guy in a way that made me uncomfortable because it seemed so personal and angry. I happen to like this politician but decided not to say anything. Then he told me that he is making his son move out of the house this week even though the son is severely depressed. The son apparently lost it while home alone and broke something, which he then cleaned up. His father told me that he made a joke of it and seemed to think that was the best thing. As a parent, I would take all of this really seriously and see it as an opportunity to talk, but this man acts like he's in total control. When I tried to talk to him about the wisdom of making his son move out when he's so depressed (and also unemployed), he told me it was none of my business and kind of delivered a lecture. He didn't check in with me about how I was feeling or anything. He just delivered the lecture and then changed the subject. He's starting to give me the creeps. Was I out of line to even ask to talk about it? Am I overreacting?
Sure sounds like trouble to me. I don't think you're overreacting at all. Personally, I'd drop him like a hot potato. At the very least, go REALLY slow and give him lots of time to reveal his true colors. But I think you already know he's not a keeper, so why prolong it?
Don't ignore the red flags. You can trust your intuition and your instincts because they are a part of you. You have been there and bought the t-shirt, don't go there again. You deserve a good and decent life. You may not feel ready for a serious relationship, so why not just have some fun. Get out with friends and simply enjoy life a little.
Then you must learn to trust them. They consist of all your life experiences. And if listened to carefully, they can always guide you to do the right thing. Acknowledging aloud that you trust them will help. Try this affirmation -
I trust everything inside of me to know what is best for me.
I was married for 15 years to a classically abusive husband who undermined me and intimidated me on a regular basis. We have two kids together. We separated and divorced 6 years ago and recently I have been seriously looking for another partner. I met someone I was really attracted to recently. He wants to spend a weekend together and at first I was enthusiastic but suddenly in the last week I'm getting completely cold feet and don't want to even talk to him. I don't know whether he's really that bad or if I'm just wary of relationships at this point and coming up with excuses. Most of the time, he's charming. But sometimes he seems very angry. He's been separated just one year and is still angry with is ex wife, which seems normal. But he's angrier with her than I am with my ex, who was and is pretty bad.
On our first date, he got in to an altercation with another driver and they ended up shouting at each other. This week he happened to mention a local politician and began lambasting the guy in a way that made me uncomfortable because it seemed so personal and angry. I happen to like this politician but decided not to say anything. Then he told me that he is making his son move out of the house this week even though the son is severely depressed. The son apparently lost it while home alone and broke something, which he then cleaned up. His father told me that he made a joke of it and seemed to think that was the best thing. As a parent, I would take all of this really seriously and see it as an opportunity to talk, but this man acts like he's in total control. When I tried to talk to him about the wisdom of making his son move out when he's so depressed (and also unemployed), he told me it was none of my business and kind of delivered a lecture. He didn't check in with me about how I was feeling or anything. He just delivered the lecture and then changed the subject. He's starting to give me the creeps. Was I out of line to even ask to talk about it? Am I overreacting?
Many times a victim of abuse will continue to date abusers. Once you are in an abusive relationship, you tend to choose closet abusers. Has he ever been abusive to you? Physically or verbally? I think that you need to listen to your gut and end this relationship. If he is being so coldhearted towards his own son, imgaine how he will be towards you when you get more serious. You need to find someone that will support you emotionally as well as let you stand on your own feet.
Many thanks. I love the quote, though it's a bit depressing. My fear that I was attracting this same kind of guy again is why I came looking for a reasonable opinion. Based on what you all have said, I've decided to "RUN, RUN" away from this one. I can be patient. I've waited 6 years for someone to find me, so I thought I should do some looking. A girlfriend told me to treat dating like a series of job interviews, not to invest too much in any one.
Date selectively.
Go out.
Don't expect anything and most of all..... listen to your intuition.
By the sound of it you've had your share in life.... time to be treated with respect.
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