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So I've been with my boyfriend for almost nine years, since our sophomore year in high school. I know he loves me more than I could ask, he is truely awesome. And I love him too, very much. The problem is, we were so young when we got together and neither of us have experienced anything else. I watched my mother go through two failed marriages with men that she really believed were perfect for her. I don't want to be in that same situation. How do I know for sure that he is the right one. I don't want to hurt him. I just need to know before I marry him.
When I got with him I had just gotten out of a 6 month relationship, so I've never really been single. Recently my ex (the 6 month one) got back in touch and told me tht he was sorry for the "bad decisions" he made back then. I find myself thinking about my ex almost constantly. I've had dreams about him throughout the entire 9 years we've been apart. When I got with my current bf, I gave him a really hard time because of the bad choices my ex had made. I told my current bf that I talked to my ex and he got so mad he almost went find him to insist that he never contact me again. He made me swear that I will NEVER speak with him again, and I did but I'm not sure if I am able to do that. I need help. I just don't know what to do.
Also my curent boyfriend told me that he would die for me. I don't want him to do anything stupid.
You'll never know until you get on with life and don't get hung up on your mother's past or you past or anything but building a healthy long lasting relationship.
That is quite a while to be together, nine years. Really if you have lasted that long, I think that marriage is not out of your reach.
There are many different things that you need to factor in and make sure of before get married. More than I could list here really. But heres some important principles I think matter a lot.
1. Can you trust him?
2. Is he dependable?
3. Is he open and does he communicate with you?
4. Would he do anything to make your relationship/marriage work?
The unfortunate thing is, feelings can change. You must work at your relationship everyday. Even if you do, there still is no 100% guarantee that it will last forever. That's just a risk you have to take, and theres no way to ever know for sure. That's why you need to use your best judgment to decide if he is the kind of guy who will stay by you through thick and thin.
Threads merged. Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.
The problem with the first serious relationship is that couple might not know the signs of when to call it quits. If you keep wondering what else is out there, then that usually means that you're not really happy with your current relationship. If you were happy with your relationship, you wouldn't care about what else is out there, regardless of whether it's your first.
Maybe it's time to take a break from one another to gain some perspective.
9 years is a long time to get over someone, but to just throw it away for a maybe from the past makes little sense. Since you have been in a relationship for so long, it makes no sense what so ever to jump from a 9 year relationship to and ex you haven't seen in a long while.
I would hope you sort out the relationship your in, and either commit, or leave it, and give yourself the time to heal, before getting into another on, with an ex no less, that failed before.
Nothing has changed, but you, so your asking for trouble looking outside the relationship for resolutions, or answers to your questions.
I can see where you need to be single though, to learn, and grow on your own, but another relationship is NOT your answer, to any of your questions, nor would it be healthy.
Deal with this 9 year relationship first, with facts and not just feelings.
9 years is a long time to get over someone, but to just throw it away for a maybe from the past makes little sense. Since you have been in a relationship for so long, it makes no sense what so ever to jump from a 9 year relationship to and ex you haven't seen in a long while.
I would hope you sort out the relationship your in, and either commit, or leave it, and give yourself the time to heal, before getting into another on, with an ex no less, that failed before.
Nothing has changed, but you, so your asking for trouble looking outside the relationship for resolutions, or answers to your questions.
I can see where you need to be single though, to learn, and grow on your own, but another relationship is NOT your answer, to any of your questions, nor would it be healthy.
Deal with this 9 year relationship first, with facts and not just feelings.
Thank you. This is really helpful. And maybe my first story was confusing. I don't want to pursue anyone else. I just really need to do some soul searching but I just don't know how. I know if I leave or even suggest a break he will never take me back. He's made comments that he would die for me, and that if he can't have me he doesn't want anyone to have me. I just don't know how to get a break and have him not do anything stupid or drastic.
9 years with someone? and a guy you hardly know for 6 months shows up. and goes Oh hey.. Yeah umm about that thing. 9 years ago.. wanna give it another shot?
Yeah sure youv been with that other guy for nearly 10 years..
but Hey.. im enough to put the seed of doubt in there..
But you know what.. here is the real.. pain of this story.. it does not matter if it was that guy.. Or anyt other.. because you have made up your mind long ago that you are not happy with your current boyfriend..
and you probable have been bored with him.. for a long time..
Now mr new and mr fun comes along. and it gives you a reason to leave.
I am not being harsh on you.. do not think this.
Just.. be true to yourself and say
Yeah im bored with my boyfriend
i want to try other things
If you have these feelings for another man.. leave your boyfriend stop waisting his and your time.
It just shocks.. me how people can just.. stick with people that they are unhappy with.
you should have gone on by yourself a lot sooner.
and you know this.
But now you have someone eles to go to. your just goin to bounce out of one relationship and into another.
My Advice here.
Take a brake from relationships
and find out what you really want in life.
Or you will always be jumping from one relationship to the next.
I am 23 years old. I have been in a relationship with my current bf for almost 9 years now. I have never questioned our relationship before, but recently I couldn't help but wonder what else is out there, is there something better, is he really the one for me?
I have recently been depressed and just distant. I have talked to him last week about how I was feeling and I even told him that I wasn't sure if I was really in love with him anymore or if I just loved him out of habit because I have loved him for so long and he is everything to me. When I talked to him he was distraught. He cried more than I've ever seen him cry in our entire relationship. He told me that this was something he would have never seen coming, that he always knew that we would get married, have a family, and grow old together.
Seeing him upset only made me more upset almost to the point that I regret feeling this way. Almost, even seeing how much he deeply cared for me wasn't enough to change these feelings. He does everything I ask, changes things I don't like, tells me everything, comes to me for advice. He is the perfect man, which most people believe don't exist. I know he would never cheat or hurt me, and I have no reasons not to trust him.
I don't know what makes me feel like this and I just don't know how to make it go away. And deep down inside I don't want it to just go away, deep down I want to explore these feelings. I just don't know what to do.
I overheard some girls at work talking and one of them said something that explains my feelings,"what is love exactly? Love is just an emotion. It's just a phase. You love something so much that that love just goes away".
I was so young when I got with him and I moved straight out of my parents house into his parents house at only 16. We hadn't even been together for a full year, and even before that we were completely inseperable (either he was at my house, I was at his, we spent every moment that we weren't in class through high school together, and when we weren'tphysically together, we were on the phone until we both fell asleep).
I just can't help but think that I only love him because of those facts. I really do not want to lose him because what if I'm wrong and he is my "one". I just don't want to leave this seed alone to grow into a giant tree that will ruin our marriage. I need to take care of this now before I even allow him to propose.
It upsets me alot more when he plays the guilt card on me how he put me through college and supported me through everything I have been through and I can't even do that for him. He also reminds me how much he gave up for me like: when we finihed high school he wants to join the marines, but his family said that if he did I could not live with them, so he changed his mind and didn't join. He has even told me that his dad told him to be careful because when I was finished with college, I would be done with him. That upset me when he told me, but it's even worse now because it hasn't even been a year since I graduated (Dec 08) and it looks like I just used him to put me through school.
I need all the advice I could possible get.
Please help.
I read this post as well as your other posts and the only thing I can say is that you and your type are the reason that love does not exist. Period.
Call me an a--hole. Whatever. I don't care. It needs to be said.
Your story is what every dreamy eyed girl could ever hope for and yet you still look to blow it. Good luck finding Dr. Mcdreamy or the dude from Twilight or Brad Pitt or whoever or whatever mythical male exists in that far fetched imagination of yours.
As soon as reality sinks in you'll wind up crawling back to this guy on your hands and knees and you know what? He will probably take you back. Then you can put this all behind you and pretend like it never happened. The only problem is that it did happen. The fairy tale is over. You're no longer high school sweethearts. You're just a couple of people who couldn't do better than what they have.
He's made comments that he would die for me, and that if he can't have me he doesn't want anyone to have me. I just don't know how to get a break and have him not do anything stupid or drastic.
You are afraid of this guy because he threatened you. You need the help and support of family, and friends, to help you get your break, and you can get the good counseling from a battered womans shelter. Not saying you need to go there, but they do have people familiar with dealing with women who are trapped, and afraid to leave the guy their with, for fear of what he may do, and thats exactly your situation.
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