I have been implementing this no contact business ever since I broke up with my non-committal boyfriend on December 2nd. I am 30, he is 40 and divorced for 10 years now.

We were great friends for five months and dated for 9 months. It was a tad bit rocky on account of our very busy lives. We broke up because of his baggage. Also, both of us have just had big years in terms of starting new jobs and businesses. There have been many times that I felt he was not there for me. I have given him loads of understanding which has not been reciprocated.

However, this guy is amazing. We are on the same frequency on many levels. We laugh together and enjoy the same activities. Even when we broke up, it was over a romantic brunch where we stared lovingly into each other's eyes. He told me how much he loves me, but that he just isn't sure if he can ever get married again.

In a way, I felt that my graduating from grad school made me change socially. Normally, I am very social and out and about, but that all took a back seat when I graduated and got my new job and subsequently have been putting a lot of energy into that.

Also, his father has been diagnosed with cancer. His mother died of cancer 11 years ago. I know this is causing him a significant amount of stress that he will not open up to me about. During our break-up he laid his cards on the table and said something about talking to his dad about me and that his dad feels like he is in prison ever since he remarried. So I think my guy thinks marriage and commitment is like prison.

It's been really hard for me to move on from this relationship. In a month and a half I have really gotten myself back. I am social again and really loving how things are going. I miss him and have setbacks, but I even got my mojo back in the form of flirting. I was so lost I didn't even realize what a catch I am.

So now, it's a month and half later and he called. He left a message saying that he hopes my year has been good so far and would I like to grab a bite to eat and catch up. He also said that he hopes I have a wonderful year as if he realizes that I might not call him back. I would love it if he made the changes he needs to make for us to be together. Logically, I don't think it's possible. I'm worried if I call him back that I will wind up a mess again and have to start over. I love this guy, but maybe too much has happened to get back to where we were.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks!

SouthernBelle06

This is a tough situation and I understand your dilemma. It sounds as if you have been doing well without him in a relatively short amount of time, which is great. What is it about exes and their impeccable timing? Just as we seem to finally accept that it is over and try to move on, out of nowhere they call and throw us for a loop all over again.

The thing that concerns me with his message is what his intentions may be in contacting you. He stated that he wants to meet to "catch up". I don't know if he wants to put you in the dreaded "friends" category or if he has missed you and is testing the waters for a possible reconcilliation. It is a tough call.

If you are still in love with him, I wouldn't recommend trying to be friends because it will delay your healing, which is what happened to me. I wasn't exactly friends with my ex in the sense that we would hang out, but we did continue to stay in touch (at his initiation) and this kept me hoping for a reconcilliation and ultimately in more pain.

Since you are feeling stronger, you may just want to give him a quick return call to gauge his intentions. I'm not sure I would meet him in person for the catch up. A call may be easier for you. If a reconcilliaton is what you want and you don't return his call you may keep yourself stuck in a different way by wondering why he called. You may not be able to just sweep it under the rug and forget about it. You may later kick yourself because you didn't find out. If he does just try to be friends and string you along without any talk of a reconcilliation, at least you will know for sure and you can put it behind you once and for all. But then if you do reconcile and you both still want different things when it comes to marriage, you risk a new breakup all over again. So, I understand your dilemma.

Hopefully some of the other great people on here can give you some better advice than I can. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

rol

yes this is a tough one....

a month and a half is not so long a time to rebuild yourself, i would wait another month perhaps and then call him back, it does sound like he misses you(but in what way , that is the question)

So eventually call him back, dont ask any questions, keep it light and laugh and let him know what a busy , fun life you have been having. . Let him bring the subject of "us" up.

actually im not sure if this is such good advice as you said that you broke up because of his baggage and does not want to commit... so maybe you do need to talk and ask him what has changed. If not you risk getting emotionally involved again and running down the same path.

I think this is one for the experts !

talaniman

You broke up for a reason and need I remind you that you have moved forward since. Why should you go back to the way things were? Do you really think he has changed in 90 days? He had his chance and now its yours so keep looking out for you. Let him do all the work for a change and you just watch as he chases.

ordinaryguy

As I understand it, you broke up with him for three reasons: One, he's non-committal about marriage; two, he hasn't supported you emotionally ("was not there for me"); and three, he doesn't open up and confide in you as much as you'd like.

You've known him a little over a year, and have been dating for 9 months. I can understand why a forty-year old guy who's been divorced and single for 10 years wouldn't be ready to jump into a marriage with somebody they've known for such a short time. Sounds prudent to me. So just how big of a hurry are you in to get married? If you broke up with him at nine months, you must have been chafing over it for at least two or three months before that, and so must have been expecting a committment from him at six months or less, right? Do I detect a bit of desperation here?

As far as his lack of emotional support it's hard to say without knowing more, but you do say it's been a busy year for you both, and I take it you're living separately, so just as a logistical matter it would be hard for him to be johnny-on-the-spot every time you got an emotional hangnail. Are you being a little bit unrealistic in your expectations? Just a thought.

About not confiding in you, people deal with their grief and pain in different ways and not everybody uses talking as their preferred method. It isn't necessarily a personal affront if he doesn't tell you about all his feelings about his mother's death, his father's unhappy second marriage and cancer diagnosis. These are not necessarily your business and it's presumptious of you to think that he MUST tell you every detail of his thoughts and feelings about them.

If I'm reading too much or too little between the lines, forgive me, but as far as I can see, he's a pretty reasonable guy to go slow, and you may be rushing it a bit and pushing him to bare his soul in ways he's not comfortable with. You may be right that he's not the one for you, and if you're determined to get married quickly, I'm sure you can find somebody who'll oblige. But don't be too surprised when two or three years down the road you find out that they have hidden issues and secrets you might have discovered if you hadn't been in such a hurry.

lamchopness

Thanks for the advice guys. It's really interesting to read what I wrote and see your responses. This whole site has been such a lifesaver.

ordinaryguy, I would like to tell you that I have never once mentioned marriage to my guy. It really is not on my agenda at the moment. That's why it was confusing that he kept bringing it up. Perhaps he was just using that as an excuse. The truth is, he was freaking out and it really was not about me. He said things like, "I used to be a hopeless romantic and then I got married." He married the wrong girl and she left him for another man. I don't think any of this would have come up if he didn't realize what a great girl I am...not to sound conceited...but I do think if he thought I wasn't worth it, it would not have brought about his freak mode. I never pressured him because I know that makes guys run. He pressured himself.

I agree that people deal with grief in their own private and personal ways. I know I am that way. I build walls. In fact, my guy and I have had long talks accusing each other of building walls. Maybe two people who build walls shouldn't be together.

So, what I've decided to do after much consideration is wait it out. I need to continue to work on my personal progress. I think if the guy really makes a change that he will call and leave a message that is more clear about his intentions. If a guy is in love the gal will know it. There won't be a doubt. Am I right?

I need to get myself in a safer place where I don't fear what might happen if I let him back in. I know I don't want more of the same. I want what we had before he started freaking out. I want a caring relationship with trust, mutual respect and understanding. As my mother so eloquently put it, "being with the wrong dude can ruin your life." I'm not sure why he called. I think it was to put out his feelers. What I need to hear from him is an apology and a firm to commitment to work on our problems...not put his sneakers on and run when the gets tough.

Thanks everyone!

Wildcat21

I am all for getting back together.

But do you feel you have your power back? Are you in a better place?

Waiting is a good idea - if it's ment to be - you 'll be together.

Go SLOW!!!! when you de see him. Go slow!!!

Don't make him your world.

ordinaryguy

OK, well that puts a different light on it, for sure. If he can't keep from bringing his decade-old disappointments into this relationship, that certainly is a red flag.

Or at least give up the notion that everything has to be talked about.

You can always doubt someone else's love. Hell, you can even doubt your own, if that's what you're inclined to do. It sounds like being in love (or the fear of it) amplified his doubts.

For what, exactly? Freaking out? Running? Being rude about it?

Sounds reasonable. Does he know that's what you're waiting to hear?

lamchopness

Ordinaryguy,
an apology for freaking out, yes. That really hurt me.

I don't think he does know that is what I'm waiting to hear. He is clearly confused. However, I have faith that he'll figure it out because he is a smart guy. If not...two tears in a bucket motherit.

Sloooooooooooooooooooooow is my new motto.

talaniman

I agree slow is the way to go. And why be exclusive? Lot of nice dates out there.