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    Loulou2468's Avatar
    Loulou2468 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 13, 2007, 06:18 PM
    He feels smothered
    I have been in a 5 month relationship with a wonderful guy who 2 days ago gave me the line “I feel smothered”. He has asked me to give him some time to clear his head.

    I have tried very hard in this relationship to do everything right – I feel I am the least needy, demanding & clingy person I know. I rarely instigate contact with him, he always contacts me numerous times a day, almost with a running commentary of his life (I have never suggested he do this). He is a senior executive at work, with lots of pressure and regular overseas travel, he also has full custody of his 2 teenage daughters which is not without difficulties. The only times I truly expect to see him is every second weekend when his daughters stay with their mother and the time we spend together is lovely, if I see him at other times it’s a bonus. He is very dedicated to his work and his daughters and is the type of guy that needs to make everybody happy.

    From my perspective he has created the “smothering” feeling himself and somehow justified it by blaming me for it, and at this point I am the thing he can remove from his life while he takes some time to sort himself out.

    What I am asking is if this situation seems like a waste of time. Am I settling for 3rd best? Would it be wrong for me to expect more from a relationship? I am recently divorced from a 22 year marriage and have no idea what is acceptable by today’s standards.
    AW805's Avatar
    AW805 Posts: 283, Reputation: 43
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    #2

    May 13, 2007, 06:28 PM
    When he say's he smothered, I think he's saying he doesn't have time for you in his life. If you're waiting to become number one, you're wasting your time.

    PS. Today's standards are the same as yesterdays
    CaptainRich's Avatar
    CaptainRich Posts: 4,492, Reputation: 537
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    #3

    May 13, 2007, 06:36 PM
    Today's standards?! The only standards are what we want and desire as individuals. Sounds like you want a more stable kind of thing but he's maybe not so ready? How long has he been "single?" He may feel his only "free" space is getting crowded. It can be scary but perhaps a small pause would be OK... I'm no epxert, but sometimes life...
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #4

    May 13, 2007, 06:39 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Loulou2468
    From my perspective he has created the “smothering” feeling himself and somehow justified it by blaming me for it, and at this point I am the thing he can remove from his life while he takes some time to sort himself out.
    Perhaps he did create this situation himself but none the less he asked for space so give it to him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Loulou2468
    What I am asking is if this situation seems like a waste of time. Am I settling for 3rd best? Would it be wrong for me to expect more from a relationship? I am recently divorced from a 22 year marriage and have no idea what is acceptable by today’s standards.
    If you just got out of a relationship after 2 decades maybe you should not date for awhile and find yourself a little. To be honest I get the impression you took this new relationship a little more seriously than he did which might be more of a rebound for you still trying to come to terms with your divorce. Take a while and find out who you are and what you want then start dating and take it really slow.

    From a guys perspective, especially one with teenagers and his job to focus on the last thing he's going to concentrate on is a relationship. He just has other priorities and that's not a knock on you but that's just reality.
    Loulou2468's Avatar
    Loulou2468 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    May 13, 2007, 06:47 PM
    More Info:
    I have been single now for 2 years but my divorce & financial settlement has just come through. Ive done a lot of soul searching and feel I know who I am.
    In no way did I rush this relationship - I absolutely waited for him to call the shots in most aspects as I knew his personal situation and he is worth the wait.
    I am happy to give him the time and space that he needs... plus hopefully the priviliege of missing me!

    Does it sound hopeless?
    CaptainRich's Avatar
    CaptainRich Posts: 4,492, Reputation: 537
    Cars & Trucks Expert
     
    #6

    May 13, 2007, 06:59 PM
    Never hopeless! Always hopeful! You've apparently found some of your center. Show him that and maybe he will find his, too. Show him he can find it with you. Sounds sappy but we use what we have to get us through. Good luck!
    AltaVista's Avatar
    AltaVista Posts: 70, Reputation: 12
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    #7

    May 13, 2007, 07:02 PM
    Hopeless? While I don't want to be the one to say 'yes' here, but based upon what I've read it kind of looks like it could be a very long wait for you. His list of priorities certainly doesn't have you in first or second place. You seem to be ready to put a lot more effort into this relationship than he does, and that will probably just lead to more hurt for you.
    Regarding your first statement about 'today's standards' - I only wish there were more standards (and higher standards!) about relationships this days. It seems that anything goes and respect for the other person just doesn't count for much.
    Just a thought...
    Best of luck,
    David
    AW805's Avatar
    AW805 Posts: 283, Reputation: 43
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    #8

    May 13, 2007, 07:09 PM
    Loulou2468: I think what you meant by saying you weren't sure about today's standards -- if they've changed for women... no, they haven't. Don't settle for anything less than what you think you are worth.
    As far as hopeless.. I still stand behind my first post. You're waiting in line. Don't expect much more than that.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #9

    May 13, 2007, 07:14 PM
    He is not ready, and don't know when he will. Give him what he wants, and its always a good idea to have a life that you enjoy without him. Maybe be busy when he calls and his daughters are away. None the less live for you and not him. Lot of interesting mature guys out there waiting to date a nice female like yourself, so be careful tying your star on any one guy for a while. Enjoy being single and FREE
    silk_silver's Avatar
    silk_silver Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    May 2, 2009, 07:58 PM
    In my opinion, I think he is starting to loose interest in you because of all the pressure and cirumstances that surrounds him. For some reason, the first thing men tend to let go of is their relationship with their significant other. Most certainly work and the kids are his top priority. Unfortunately, you come in third. I was in that type of relationship before. He had a teenage son that he saw on weekends as well as a job that was just demanding. In the end he got so exhausted he gave up on me. Good luck with finding someone else.

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