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    He doesn't want a relationship.. Should I even bother?

    Asked Feb 20, 2012, 03:26 PM 4 Answers
    I have a problem in some means quite similar to the other askers but in some way very different. So I recened to ask for advice and I would be very grateful to get some ansvers.

    The guy I'm "dating" Is coming from family with history of parental neglect(father left at 4 years of age and mother intentionally refused to put in time or love to her two boys) and for that fact it was that he had some criminal acts in youth.. He was bullied at school throughout all 12 years. He had a relationship with a girl that lasted for four years and was a case of growing apart and in the end because of having to work abroad. Then he had a year and a half long relationship with a woman who cheated him emotionally and culminated with lying to him about worktrip and going to vacation with another man. And the last one was a girl who had some kind of mental illness she neglected to tell him about and flew over coocoo's nest at the end trying to set him on fire.

    Now to my problem.. We started communicating 2 months after the breakup with the last woman. We plainly talked for a month and clicked from the first time we met. Have spent every day together ever since. That is also complicated because he works abroad. Nevertheless we talk in messenger every day with webcam . When he is at home he is with me. We went to a vacation together. And I have been to his place at the country he works for two long periods.. And all this is been going on for 6 months now.

    He has been telling me that he doesn't want a relationship for practically the whole time. Until now he says we are friends with benefits.

    So here's the question.. What should I make of this kind of relationship? In my book the conception of friends with benefits is not talking every day and if absent inquiring where I am.. Some guidance on how to act and react would be good.. Or how to help him open up and face the situation.. Thank you for advance.. Any help is appreciated.

    Last edited by Wondergirl; Feb 20, 2012 at 03:38 PM.
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    4 Answers
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 36,713, Reputation: 5272
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    #2

    Feb 20, 2012, 03:54 PM


    He has clearly told you he is not in this for a relationship. It appears that you both are moving too quickly. Two months after his last break up is not enough time for him to recover emotionally.

    I'm not sure how you want him to "open up," when it appears that you are the one who is not understanding what he is saying. He isn't ready for a relationship and you are FWB. Either you accept that or you move on.
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    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 1,978, Reputation: 551
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    #3

    Feb 20, 2012, 05:19 PM
    It is pretty obvious that you both are looking for different things. He wants his freedom but wants someone to be there when HE wants to. However, it seems like you are looking for more than friends with benefits. If you are OK with that situation then continue doing what you are doing, if you are not, then leave. He is not willing to give you what you need, why stick around?
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    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 25,673, Reputation: 5612
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    #4

    Feb 20, 2012, 05:28 PM
    You won't change his mind. That's one thing most people can't accept. They think if they say or do the right thing than they'll get what they want.

    He's never lied to you about how he feels. He doesn't want a relationship, he just wants a friend with benefits.

    If this situation is not what you're looking for then you need to leave and find someone that's willing to give you a real relationship. He is not willing, and he's told you that from the beginning.

    It's time to accept that what he's told you is the truth, and it won't change.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,030, Reputation: 10286
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    #5

    Feb 23, 2012, 11:35 PM


    He already has what he needs, so if you need more, then look elsewhere. If you like the benefits, then protect yourself. Every one here is telling you to be careful, and not give this guy your heart, its only been 6 months, and not get so carried away by the benefits that you fall in love and foolishly think he is too.

    Then you won't feel used by this fellow who has told you its just sex, from the get go!
    Helpful (1)

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