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-   -   A guy took advantage of me. What should I do? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=261053)

  • Sep 16, 2008, 10:16 AM
    schristine
    A guy took advantage of me. What should I do?
    I recently made a big mistake. Ive been talking to a guy that I work with and I could tell he is the type that just goes from girl to girl but I didn't want anything sexual out of him. I let him know that I'm not the type of girl that has sex with people I barely know and that I didn't really want a boyfriend either. The other night I went to a party with him just to hang out and talk with friends. We ended up getting really drunk and I don't remember most of the night after the party. However, I do remember that we had sex in the back of his truck. I didn't want to and I feel like I have been taken advantage of. Is it wrong to think that even though I put myself in that position? I never asked for him to do this to me, and he keeps asking me to hang out with him. I don't want to talk to him anymore because of the way he thinks girls are his play things. But he plays the innocent card whenever I talk to him about it. He says that he is not a 'user' and that he cares. People have told me the things he says about women and I hate it. I know I shouldn't care but I can't help it. I want to make him realize that what he does is wrong, but I think it would be better to just not see him anymore. If there is anything that anyone could say to help me make sense of this I would be so grateful.
  • Sep 16, 2008, 10:52 AM
    Chery
    No matter how many times you talk to a guy or go out party with him, if you have told him that you did not want an intimate relationship and he took advantage of you while drunk... that's rape, pure and simple. He disrespected you as a person and used you.

    What would you advise one of your close friends to do?

    Go to the police and report this, or he will continue to believe what he is doing is OK and It Is NOT!

    No matter when this happened, you have the right to report him and he deserves to be punished for what he did to you. You did not come on to him while drunk... you told him you didn't want sex... now tell him he did wrong by you and report this rapist!

    Good luck dear, also talk to a therapist about this, or you will constantly be thinking of yourself as not worthy of respect... which will make you continue to be the victim..

    Do something about it hon.. it's your right. NO means noting less, nothing more..

    http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/...s/000201E8.gif









  • Sep 16, 2008, 12:09 PM
    schristine
    Thank you so much. It really helps. Your right about the respect thing. I tried to earn his respect by not putting myself out there but it still happened anyway. I'm only 19 so I don't think I can report it.. but I don't want him to continue it. Thank you again!
  • Sep 16, 2008, 12:13 PM
    happy_jester
    Firstly,I'm really sorry that you had to go through this,as no one ever should. Also,no matter what happened,it's NOT your fault.

    Quote:

    Ive been talking to a guy that I work with and I could tell he is the type that just goes from girl to girl but I didnt want anything sexual out of him.
    Yes,as you could see that he was the type who would go "from girl to girl" you were
    Quite right to tell him that you didn't want anything sexual out of him.

    Yet... he took advantage of you,in a sexual way without your consent,which is rape


    Quote:

    I want to make him realize that what he does is wrong, but I think it would be better to just not see him anymore.
    It's good that you've reached the point,where,you can see that what HE [not you] has
    Done something VERY wrong. It's the start of the healing process for you! Well Done!!
  • Sep 16, 2008, 12:20 PM
    mv2008
    He was wrong not you. Alcohol is the most common date rape drug. If you didn't give consent it is RAPE!
  • Sep 16, 2008, 12:55 PM
    Chery
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by schristine
    im only 19 so i dont think i can report it..but i dont want him to continue it. thank you again!

    I was 15 when I was raped, and thought at that time that I 'deserved' it because I was out too late... WRONG! Unfortunately, my mother did not believe me at that time and it took me a lot of therapy years later to get closure.

    No matter what age your are, if someone violates you, your have every right to do something about it. Make sure that no other girl is going to wind up in your position - make this guy pay for what he did and learn that he cannot treat women so darned disrespectfully. Report it.
  • Sep 16, 2008, 07:50 PM
    schristine
    Well I meant that I couldn't report it because I was drinking underage. Which I shouldn't have don't in the first place. I never drink because of these kinds of things. It makes me mad that it happens to people and I never wanted it to happen to me. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself but I can't help but think about it sometimes. I don't think he realizes what he did was wrong but I don't want to talk to him to tell him that because he will probably just have a laugh about it later.
  • Sep 16, 2008, 10:15 PM
    friend4u178
    Getting into a little bit of bother for the under aged drinking is a small price to pay in my opinion if this guy really did rape you.

    If that's the case I would report him and make him pay for his crimes before he does it again to someone else.
  • Sep 17, 2008, 08:12 AM
    schristine
    Yeah that's true. Thank you.
  • Sep 17, 2008, 09:52 AM
    brokenhearted1515
    Did u say no to him that night? Cause you can't just get drunk, lead a guy on, and then wake up the next morning thinking that he took advantage of you. Rape is a very serious accusation, and you must be very carful. So my question again is did you tell him no that night before you guys had sex?
  • Sep 17, 2008, 02:42 PM
    Chery
    Two wrongs don't make a right.

    If you told him that you did not want an intimate relationship before you went to the party - he should have respect that and not have taken advantage of you.

    If you both got drunk and shouldn't have, well that's a choice you made.. but the choice of having sex was not one you wanted, so he was wrong in initiating it.

    OK, now it's your choice to live with this or do something about it. Drinking 'underage' is not 'invading' anyone else's body but your own. And the law does not punish drinking as hard as rape.

    Fact is, if you let this go as is, you will hate yourself for doing both, start feeling inferior and blame yourself for doing wrong. You will also remember this for the rest of your life, and later regret that you did not do something about it to regain your self-respect. You already sound as if you are going to let him get away with this and put up with the stress of seeing him every day, feeling his eyes on you and congratulating himself for 'winning' another sex-object. You will suffer because he has something over you and you will cower at the thought and feel dirty. Do you really want to do this to yourself because you don't want to get in trouble for drinking?

    How do you see your future from now on? Do you still plan on going to parties and drinking, and when something happens again, will you just go along with it because you feel you don't deserve better due to a reputation that you are easy and will not stand up and fight for yourself?

    You need to either talk to a parent, teacher, or pastor face-to-face and get support. You should not go on alone with this 'secret' just because you got drunk. All adults get drunk every now and then, but they don't commit crimes as he has. They will support you, no matter what. Just because the drinking laws are stringent does not mean that you should suffer for the rest of your life for one mistake.

    You are 19.. how do you see your life at 29? Still drinking and letting people abuse you? Do you plan on making a habit out of this because of a mistake you made? You really need to talk to someone, the sooner the better.

    You can't keep this from your family either, because parents notice changes in their children and will eventually want to find out what's wrong with you, so confess and get their help - no matter if they get upset about your drinking, they should be there for you and want to help you through this...

    http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/...s/0002015B.gif
  • Sep 17, 2008, 03:26 PM
    vexation
    I agree with most of what has been give to you for advise
    Also you should stop drinking or learn now
  • Sep 18, 2008, 11:21 AM
    schristine
    I told him before when we would just hang out and then that day I told him. But I was drunk that night and I don't even remember what happened. I never led him on in any way because I told him flat out when we started talking that I wasn't that type of person. I know that it is serious.
  • Sep 18, 2008, 12:06 PM
    brokenhearted1515
    I have never had thios situation happen to me, so obviously its hard for me to make judgement. The way I feel though, is if you told this guy no, and he forced you physically to have intercourse, that is rape. If you were drunk and went along with it and didn't try to fight him or scream and yell and kick... its not rape. That's just my opinion. I would take this experience as an eye opener and never put yourself in that situation again!
  • Sep 18, 2008, 04:31 PM
    Chery
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by schristine
    I told him before when we would just hang out and then that day i told him. but i was drunk that night and i dont even remember what happened. i never led him on in any way because i told him flat out when we started talking that i wasnt that type of person. i know that it is serious.

    Honey, it's your choice, you were there and you have to live with it. But if you don't talk to someone about it, it will bother you the rest of your life and hinder you from ever thinking of having a healthy relationship because this will always be in the back of your mind. So one way or the other, just make sure that you get help in dealing with this and getting closure for yourself. Don't loose your self-respect over this and please don't blame yourself.

    Also, could it have been possible at any time during the party for someone to put in a little something 'extra' in your drink? Think about it. There are drugs that guys tend to use when wanting to 'strike' - and he just might be the type. AND he did know from the beginning what your stand was on relationships, so he did USE you, and that's a fact. What make me mad is that he is 'strutting his stuff' and you are cowering - and I don't think that's fair at all.

    Hope you get the help you need dear, and stay with us.

    http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/...s/000202AE.gif


  • Sep 18, 2008, 06:10 PM
    schristine
    Yeah I understand. I'm not exactly cowering I just don't want to talk to him because of the way he is. I guess it is possible that someone put something in my drink. Guys disgust me. I would really like to be able to say something to him to make him sorry for what happened. But again, I don't want to talk.
  • Sep 18, 2008, 08:40 PM
    High Max
    Rape is a tricky situation, just because you say it's what happened doesn't magically mean you win the case. The police and courts know girls are ashamed sometimes of having sex, and attempt to save face by lying about the situation. Luckily, even if he isn't convicted I believe it will still show up on his record, which should serve as at least some punishment because he will have a harder time finding a respectable job.
  • Sep 18, 2008, 09:11 PM
    friend4u178
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by schristine
    yeah i understand. im not exactly cowering i just dont want to talk to him because of the way he is. i guess it is possible that someone put something in my drink. guys disgust me.

    We're not all bad :o
  • Sep 19, 2008, 09:15 AM
    Chery
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by schristine
    i would really like to be able to say something to him to make him sorry for what happend. but again, i dont want to talk.

    You will never get closure if you don't express your anger toward him. It will haunt you for the rest of your life and influence every other situation - you'll run away from pressure at school, jobs, other relationships, etc. You need to face situations and deal with them, even if it's unpleasant - that just the way life is.

    So, if you don't feel comfortable in confronting him face-to-face, at least write it all down and get him to read it. Or write it anyway and hold on to it until you are a little stronger. What is important is that you get help by talking to a professional about this to guide you in regaining your self-respect and not to see all guys as you see him. That would be unfair to you and the decent guys around.

    Again, good luck.
  • Feb 15, 2011, 05:49 PM
    anon_glitter
    I think I should point out that having sex with someone who is intoxicated is legally rape because an intoxicated person cannot give his or her consent. So when brokenhearted1515 said "If you were drunk and went along with it and didnt try to fight him or scream and yell and kick...its not rape." Brokenhearted1515 was wrong.

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