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    The grown man boyfriend who thinks he can come and go as he pleases!

    Asked Jan 12, 2008, 11:09 AM — 4 Answers
    Here goes the situation, like I have asked for advice before I'm going to ask for advice again. I have a boyfriend who is older then me. I am 17 he is 27 we had been together a year and a half before I found out I was pregnant.. I found out a couple of weeks ago that I'm pregnant now 10 weeks. Me and my boyfriend just got done with a break which was for 3 days a couple of weeks after we found out. I really didn't know anything about it except for that he didn't want to talk to me nor where he was. Well, now I get off work he calls me 2 hours later and I tell him I think he needs to come home. No, he don't go out all the time but when he does he drinks until he is skunk drunk and doesn't come home which is not acceptable in my eyes. We get along so well when he does not drink, no I don't accept him to stay in the house with me all the time but I do expect him to have some kind of respect for me. No matter if he is grown a man, or what the situation is. Well, he has done this in the past and I keep telling him I'm not going to put up with it. And he promises that it won't happen again. Well when ever I do threaten to kick him out because we do live together or end the relationship he seems to have a careless attitude because he knows that someone in his family will take him in. the living arrangement is where I have the upper hand. We live with my father who is a retired military and we help take care of him. He don't haeva job and don't have to pay rent.well, he knows that I don't want to kick him out and I don't want to break up. So basically he knows that I'm not going no where especially since now I'm pregnant. What I need to know is how to convince him that this is not right and not acceptable! What do I need to do because I cant put up with him doing this to me anymore. Just because he is a man he thinks he can come and go as he pleases however he didn't start acting like this until we found out I was pregnant,he did it before it just wasn't as occurring, and this is the time that I need him most! HELP!!

    Last edited by nicolieolie5990; Jan 12, 2008 at 12:01 PM.
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    4 Answers
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,473, Reputation: 759
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    #2

    Jan 12, 2008, 11:25 AM
    Well, good luck trying to convince him of anything. You said you don't want to kick him out and you don't want to break up and you don't believe he'd care one way or the other. Let's face it ; he's holding all the cards here, partially because you're allowing him to and he's going to do what he wants. As it is, why are you, at age 17, living with this guy who's 10 years your senior and not with your parents? And how is it that you would have the option to kick him out if you wanted to? Are you actually the breadwinner? If the two of you are actually living with your parents then they should kick his a$$ out pronto and should have never allowed such an arrangement to begin with. But at this point you're just going to have to tough it out on your own until this child is born and then sue him for child support. Your parents also may be in a position to charge him with statutory rape, depending on the laws of your state. Of course, they themselves may be culpable as well if they allowed him to reside with you in their home.
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    peggyhill's Avatar
    peggyhill Posts: 907, Reputation: 149
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    #3

    Jan 12, 2008, 11:39 AM
    The way this guy is treating you is unacceptable. You told him you were pregnant and he took off for 3 days? That's ridiculous! If this has been happening over and over, and he still refuses to change, then tell him to either go to counseling with you or get lost.

    I'm not sure what the laws are as far as a 27 yr. old getting a 17 yr. old pregnant. Could he get in trouble in your state? I will have to look up that law, or maybe someone on here will know. Are you emancipated?

    Assuming for now that he can't get in trouble in your state, then sit him down and have an honest talk with him. Pick a good time when it's just the two of you and he is sober. Explain to him that since you both are about to be parents, he needs to grow up and act like a father. His days of drinking and staying out all night are over. Tell him if he wants to be in a relationship with you, he will have to show you he has changed, not just tell you. Ask him to go to couples counseling with you. Even if you don't stay together, it might be good for you since you will be raising a child together. Tell him that if he continues to go out and drink and show a total disregard for you, that the relationship is over.

    Stick to your guns. If you tell him to change or else, then you have to be prepared to enforce the 'or else'. If he doesn't change, give him a reasonable date to get out of your house. Don't ever stay with someone who treats you badly just because you have their child. In a perfect world, all parents would live together and everyone would have the classic 1950's sort of idyllic childhood. But this is the real world, and it doesn't always work out like that. It's better for your child to have one good parent, than be around an alcoholic with no regard for his family.

    Now, I'm not necessarily telling you to break up. Although I have to admit I think a guy his age shouldn't really be with someone who isn't 18 yet, no offence to you of course. He should have at least been smart enough to use protection. But anyway, the thing is that you can't change other people. I tried for several years with a guy that I cared for very much. But, the bottom line was that as much as I loved him, I couldn't change him. I had to let the relationship go, and today I have a great fiancée.

    So don't sell yourself short. If he doesn't want to change and quit drinking so much, then you may have to tell him to leave. Maybe it will be the 'wake-up call' he needs to change. Maybe he will still do the same things. But either way, you won't have to deal with what you are dealing with now. It will only get worse when the baby comes. You need to either settle it now or be done with him before your child is here.

    I know it can be so scary to be pregnant and single. But, if you guys do break up, there are lots of organizations that can help you out. There is help for housing, groceries, medical care, etc. I noticed on your profile that you live in Missouri. If you ever need help for you or your baby, contact the Missouri Dept. of Social Services. Here is their website:

    MO HealthNet for Pregnant Women and Newborns

    If you ever need to talk or just blow off steam, I'm on here a lot, so just send me a message. I hope that things work out for you. Just try not to stress as much as you can. Good luck!
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    zhierl's Avatar
    zhierl Posts: 12, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #4

    Jan 12, 2008, 09:35 PM
    Leave him and get some child support from that guy
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,054, Reputation: 10289
    Senior Family & People Expert
     
    #5

    Jan 13, 2008, 02:05 PM


    This is only a preview of life with a guy that is not mature or responsible. So now its your decision, to keep him in your life, and accept the consequenses.
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