This has bee a horrible year! I thought that i got through the worst, but today i want to give up.
I have an adult daughter. We were always so close, in fact, we were best friends.
She was engaged.In June they broke the engagement, over the phone, due to a fight about where they would live. He lives in Florida and she lives in MA. She told him her family meant too much to her.
That same week we were having our house painted. He was either married or divorced with a son. To make a long story short, she flipped her lid, told me that she hated me and took off to live with the looser painter guy.
For months I didn't hear from her. At the beginning of this month, she left me a note and said that she wanted to be close again. We talked and i told her how hurt i was. All month she has called me about twice a day.
Oh, i almost forgot to add that she drives a new BMW which I pay for. I also pay the insurance. When she left, she drove off in the car. Oh, and I don't even KNOW where she lives. It's been 7 months and yes folks, I don't even know where she lives. Even bad parents know where their kids live!!!@!
So anyway, here I am satisfied with the obligatory phone calls. Oh, she has come to visit 3 times. Once because I bought her some face creams and she wanted to get them. The other 2 times she wanted me to color her hair. All 3 times she left as soon as she got what she wanted.
She is a school teacher, and also teaches dance. Today she started her 3rd job working for her dad. So she worked today in the town where I live, not a 1/2 mile from me. She called me on her way home (wherever that is!)
So, why am I in tears? Why do I just want her out of my life so I can stop hurting? Because I honestly expected her to stop by and see her mother. I guess she didn't because she didn't need or want anything!
This brings back old hurts, and I just want it all to go away! My parents live 2 hours away. I see them when I'm invited to their house on holidays. I can remember how hurt I felt when they called me to tell me that they had just come from visiting my sister's grave. My sister's grave is also in the town where I live, 2 minutes from me. They drove to visit my sister's grave, but didn't visit me.
I felt that same hurt today.
The scumbag that my daughter lives with took advantage of her when she was hurt and confused. She works 3 jobs and he never works!!! She had her school vacation this week and I could here him and his kid in the background whenever she called. I know he's a rebound guy, and she's screwed up, but I guess my hurt makes me not care what happens. I feel used and I never deserved any of this from her of all people.
No, I didn't tell her this, because I'm sick of being told how bad and wrong i am. I hate the person she has become and I don't want any more of the hurt. I wish she'd just go away.
I look forward to suggestions, but please don't be too hard on me, I'm truly broken.
sadmom

BattleAngel14745

Dear sadmom,

First off do not blame your self for your daughters behavior. She is a grown adult and she makes her own decisions. She sounds like she is very immature for her age and really needs to "grow up". Why do you let her hurt you and use you. That's all she's doing is hurting you and using you. I'm sorry but I know for a fact that if you weren't paying for her BMW and car insurance and buying her this and that she would want nothing to do with you. You raised your daughter to the best of your ability. Don't hold your self responsible for her behavior as an adult. She knows the difference between right and wrong. She sounds all around unstable and needs to depend a lot on others. Abusive men and using you for whatever you'll give her. I say treat her like the adult she is and don't pay for her BMW and car insurance and buy her this and that. Some times you love some one so much you have to use tough love. Not all relationships work out and you have to except that. Your not going to change her. I say let her go and don't let her hurt you any more. I haven't spoken to my Mom in ten years and it's just better that way. We both hurt to much to continue our relationship. Oddly enough time has a funny way of healing.

Sincerely,
BattleAngel

lostintheworld

just keep on supporting her... with love. and eventually she'll come around.

shenda

History repeats itself, unless we learn to redirect the course of things...It is obvious that you care deeply for your daughter; otherwise, you would not feel hurt. It is also vital that your perspective is changed...she is not using you...you have the power of choice...to help or to neglect, rather not to help.
The fact that you do not know where your daughter lives rest within a simple inquire. Ask her for her address, if she refuses, respect it. It is commonly thought that times heals all wounds, but in fact, it doesn't...the reality is that one or both parties decide to forgive and forget. Hurts are kept alive because we feed them, we remember them, we cast out one finger while yet three remain pointing inwardly. Love your daughter unconditonally. Repair your own relationship with your mother, thus affording history to repeat healing throughout generations, present and those to come.