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    My girlfriend usually goes out with her friends to a club in our town on Friday evenings. Last few weeks her friend has asked her to a club in the city. She usually always sends a text when she's home just to say she's safe (her suggestion not mine).

    I woke up last night and looked at my phone, it was 4:30am and no text. I was concerned so I rang her. She answered and was pretty drunk, I could hear a lot of load music and guys shouting in the background. I asked where she wasn't and she couldn't tell me cos she didn't know, at some guys house with her friend. I said OK well let me know when you get home safe.

    Woke up this morning about 11am, nothing.

    I get a text at 12:30pm saying I was with sarah at her friend jamies house, I went with her while she had a quicky then we went and stayed at her other friends house natasha, I'm still here now.

    I called her up and said who's this guys house and why were you there?

    She said she got drunk and got dragged along and didn't want her friend to go alone. I asked what she did while her friend was having sex and she said she hung out in the living room with a few other people who were there and watch TV.

    I said OK cool.

    She said she'd never go to the clubs in the city with this girl because this girl is wild and always ends back up at random houses and drags my girlfriend along in the past. Well she ended up going and guess what happened this week.

    She apologised and said she messed up.

    Im not worried that anything happened with her while she's there, we've been dating 1.5 yrs, she's never lied or given any reason for me to distrust her.

    what's bothering me is this...

    If I went out with a friend 'clubbing' and I ended up going back to a random girls house while my buddy ed her and then staying out all night at another house, I can imagine she'd hit the roof. I asked her this and she even said, she wouldn't be happy if id done it.

    What would you do or say in a situation like this.

    I spoke to my mum about it and she said my girlfriend hasn't done anything wrong really, all she's done is ended up back at a small house party and stayed out. When I think of it like this, its fine.

    Another thing that's bothering is she kept telling me, no no I won't go with her cos Im not sure I'll get home. Well the past 2 weeks the girl was fine, didn't drink too much and went straight home. Week 3 comes around and this happens.

    Its hard to not sound controlling in a situation like this, I'm not trying to be controlling, I just don't think its very fair.

    I said to her I'd never stay out all night because I know it would just cause and argument and you wouldn't like it if I did. She agreed. I asked ' so why did you do it' and she goes, I just wanted to go out and have a fun time with my friends, I didn't plan it. Its not a crime to go out and have fun.

    I feel she disregarded my feelings a little bit.

    Can somebody tell me if Im being unreasonable?

    ps, I don't drink and when I go out to see friends at a bar, I take my car and Im always home by about 2am latest so she has nothing to worry about.


    I want to add, I've never once told her not to go out. I always say, have a fun time.

    Ive only ever expressed concern about her going with this girl once, which was 3 weeks ago.

    She's trust worthy and it shouldn't matter who's house she spends the night at.

    But I'm certainly bothered that she said she'd be mad at me if I did what she did. Yet I wasn't mad at her, I just asked her a couple questions about it.

    Last edited by talaniman; Feb 14, 2010 at 07:25 AM.
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    11 Answers
    inertia's Avatar
    inertia Posts: 308, Reputation: 60
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    #2

    Feb 13, 2010, 04:53 PM

    I'm interested to see what everyone says about this one. My ex did the same thing once... then twice, then thrice... every time with the same "crazy" friend that "dragged" her along. I played the same card you are: "If I did this, you would be livid". I was accused of being controlling too and this was the only "hanging out with a friend tonight" situation I didn't trust. Every time, a different excuse, but ended up at some guy's house or a guy ended up at her (the friend's) house. This was actually one of our biggest problems. It didn't help that the friend lied to my face regularly (about trivial stuff, but still bold face lies) and tried to placate me by saying "oh, your gf loves you soooo much".
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    J. Sparks's Avatar
    J. Sparks Posts: 69, Reputation: 15
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    #3

    Feb 13, 2010, 06:26 PM

    Ps, I don't drink and when I go out to see friends at a bar, I take my car and Im always home by about 2am latest so she has nothing to worry about.

    That's a good boy. Stay p*ssy whipped.
    She's doing what she wants. Lol
    .. . And has you trained well.
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    Llisa's Avatar
    Llisa Posts: 36, Reputation: 17
    Junior Member
     
    #4

    Feb 13, 2010, 10:42 PM

    I think you do have a problem with her going out with her friend. You seem to not want her to do it in the future and you also seem to want her to be sorry for doing it. It is fine to feel this way, we are all human, but you can probably see that you don't have a leg to stand on. Unless she's cheated on you then she hasn't done anything wrong. If you did try to stop her from going out then you would be a controlling person. The only thing you can do is to try to get over your own insecurities.
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    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,244, Reputation: 3298
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #5

    Feb 14, 2010, 12:33 AM

    If you're in a serious relationship with someone, this is not the way to behave.

    As you said, if the situation were reversed, she'd hit the roof.

    I don't think it is so much about her friend having a bad influence on her, as has been implied, but your girlfriends need to go clubbing, without you.

    I think she should be willing to compromise, and cut the clubbing down to a minimum, and when she finds herself in strange places with people she doesn't know, she should call you for a ride home.
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    cmarcus's Avatar
    cmarcus Posts: 19, Reputation: -3
    New Member
     
    #6

    Feb 14, 2010, 01:42 AM

    I think something happen that night she was out with her friends she not telling you every thing its good to have a girls not but but its not cool to go to a guys house with her friends she should have call you and tell you to come get her if she loved you she would have... I'm only 22 and I don't go out to the club or a bar with out eric and he don't as well
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    sully123's Avatar
    sully123 Posts: 567, Reputation: 148
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    #7

    Feb 14, 2010, 04:33 AM

    If you have to wonder what she is doing and have your doubts, your in the wrong relationship. Sounds too me, your settled and she is into partying, it isn't going to work. You can't control her, she is going to do what she wants, whether you like it or not. I would say move on and find someone you don't have to question.
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    dynocompe's Avatar
    dynocompe Posts: 332, Reputation: 56
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    #8

    Feb 14, 2010, 06:21 AM

    You sound controlling if you try to stop her from doing it, but I think it shows a lot about the girlfriend, she has no respect for you and your guys relationship. And it doesn't matter if she never cheated, for one, you will never know, and she is putting herself in a very bad situation if she has a boyfriend.
    Usually if your with a girl you have to question, there is every reason to, and your gut is usually always right about this situation. Its only time tell you find out..
    If you try and fight with her about this behaviour, you will only push her away more and it will make her go party more.
    You just have to avoid giving her negative feedback, so she doesn't get annoyed and angry with why our relationship and hope for the best. Hope that she changes because what she has is so good with no fighting.
    Avoid giving her negative feedback, hold your head high, go out with your friends more, be happy, and try to better yourself and your life. And hope she comes back around and respects you two.
    As soon as she has you whipped, and your at her beg and call, she will do what she wants and will not think twice about it or feel apologetic because she knows she has you waiting for her anyway.
    IF she wants to talk about the situation and work on it, listen and give your input. But she already knows how you feel now , so continuing to fight over the same subject will separate you two quick.
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    LivingtheLifeinFLA's Avatar
    LivingtheLifeinFLA Posts: 137, Reputation: 29
    Junior Member
     
    #9

    Feb 14, 2010, 06:48 AM
    Just play it cool and let it blow over. You need to see if this pattern starts up again and see if something else is starting, or she simply got trapped in a situation with her friend where she couldn't split.

    It it starts happening a gain, like next week, then you need to think of your gameplan.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,095, Reputation: 10293
    Senior Family & People Expert
     
    #10

    Feb 14, 2010, 07:18 AM


    Just because you do your thing the right, and responsible way, doesn't mean that's the only way, or others should do it your way. Frankly, not your call and since you don't live together, she has every right to make up her own rules, and do things her own way. For that matter, so do you.

    I would relax, and recognize that, and not make such a big deal out of it or be so sensitive about what she is doing, because if I thought it was that bad, I would end it.

    While I can sympathize with your worry and concern, understandable from any one, I don't like making such a big deal of it.

    Your argument about how she would feel about you doing the same thing and how would she feel implies that even though it wouldn't make her feel good, I doubt she would forbid you. I would be very careful of making rules for another, that work for you, but not for her.

    I guess my best advice is express your concerns without giving ultimatums, because you can always get a girl who doesn't do what she does, and its wrong to tell a grown person what they should be doing. You shouldn't have to change a person to be what you like, they should already be who you like.

    Another interesting thing I got from what you wrote was this happens maybe once a month, so don't make it a big deal, other than voice your concerns, and let it go.

    Long story short, if you can't handle her party ways, don't be with her. You sure ain't going to change it, without a good fight on your hands. Is it worth all that?
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