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My girlfriend usually goes out with her friends to a club in our town on friday evenings. Last few weeks her friend has asked her to a club in the city. She usually always sends a text when she's home just to say she's safe (her suggestion not mine).
I woke up last night and looked at my phone, it was 4:30am and no text. I was concerned so I rang her. She answered and was pretty drunk, I could hear a lot of load music and guys shouting in the background. I asked where she wasn't and she couldn't tell me cos she didn't know, at some guys house with her friend. I said ok well Let me know when you get home safe.
Woke up this morning bout 11am, nothing.
I get a text at 12:30pm saying I was with sarah at her friend jamies house, I went with her while she had a quicky then we went and stayed at her other friends house natasha, I'm still here now.
I called her up and said who's this guys house and why were you there?
She said she got drunk and got dragged along and didn't want her friend to go alone. I asked what she did while her friend was having sex and she said she hung out in the living room with a few other people who were there and watch tv.
I said ok cool.
She said she'd never go to the clubs in the city with this girl because this girl is wild and always ends back up at random houses and drags my girlfriend along in the past. Well she ended up going and guess what happened this week.
She apologised and said she messed up.
Im not worried that anything happened with her while she's there, we've been dating 1.5 yrs, she's never lied or given any reason for me to distrust her.
Whats bothering me is this...
If I went out with a friend 'clubbing' and I ended up going back to a random girls house while my buddy ed her and then staying out all night at another house, I can imagine she'd hit the roof. I asked her this and she even said, she wouldn't be happy if id done it.
What would you do or say in a situation like this.
I spoke to my mum about it and she said my girlfriend hasn't done anything wrong really, all she's done is ended up back at a small house party and stayed out. When I think of it like this, its fine.
Another thing that's bothering is she kept telling me, no no I won't go with her cos I'm not sure I'll get home. Well the past 2 weeks the girl was fine, didn't drink too much and went straight home. Week 3 comes around and this happens.
Its hard to not sound controlling in a situation like this, I'm not trying to be controlling, I just don't think its very fair.
I said to her I'd never stay out all night because I know it would just cause and argument and you wouldn't like it if I did. She agreed. I asked ' so why did you do it' and she goes, I just wanted to go out and have a fun time with my friends, I didn't plan it. Its not a crime to go out and have fun.
I feel she disregarded my feelings a little bit.
Can somebody tell me if I'm being unreasonable?
Ps, I don't drink and when I go out to see friends at a bar, I take my car and I'm always home by about 2am latest so she has nothing to worry about.
I want to add, I've never once told her not to go out. I always say, have a fun time.
Ive only ever expressed concern about her going with this girl once, which was 3 weeks ago.
Shes trust worthy and it shouldn't matter who's house she spends the night at.
But I'm certainly bothered that she said she'd be mad at me if I did what she did. Yet I wasn't mad at her, I just asked her a couple questions about it.
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Feb 14, 2010, 07:54 AM
Its funny what talaniman said. She actually said to me, if you did it id mad at you for a bit but I wouldn't forbid you from doing it again.
And in response to Living The Life. From what I understand, her and her friend were supposed to get a taxi home together, her friend wanted to go to this guys house and my girlfriend didn't want her to go alone in case it wasn't safe. I think she was actually just looking out for her friend.
The other thing is, when she hangs out with her other friends they never ever end up back at random houses. Not once.
And to Talaniman. She goes to a bar in our town almost every friday and is asked to the city by that girl but has always said no out of respect to me she said. She only said yes to going 3 weeks ago because there were going to be 3 other girls there who are a lot more sensible and granted they got home safe, as did they the next time. This time however my girlfriend went with only this other girl and this was the result.
You guys are right though, making a huge deal out of it just makes the situation worse. Also its just confusing my girlfriend, while she sympathised she was in the wrong, she said she couldn't really understand what for.
Its not a cheating thing, she wouldn't cheat on me, id put money on that.
Also to somebody else who said I was whipped? I'm not really a fan of clubs or bars. I go on occasion when I'm invited with my friends, they aren't my first choice. That's not a reason to end the relationship though, we have mutual interests too.
But yes, this is the first time anything like that has happened in the time we've been together. I'll take your guys advice and just let it slide for now, especially given the fact that I'm making a set of rules for her and a separate set for myself.
Shes always been very reasonable with me concerning everything else.
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Feb 14, 2010, 08:03 AM
Originally Posted by talaniman
Just because you do your thing the right, and responsible way, doesn't mean that's the only way, or others should do it your way. Frankly, not your call and since you don't live together, she has every right to make up her own rules, and do things her own way. For that matter, so do you.
I would relax, and recognize that, and not make such a big deal out of it or be so sensitive about what she is doing, because if I thought it was that bad, I would end it.
While I can sympathize with your worry and concern, understandable from any one, I don't like making such a big deal of it.
Your argument about how she would feel about you doing the same thing and how would she feel implies that even though it wouldn't make her feel good, I doubt she would forbid you. I would be very careful of making rules for another, that work for you, but not for her.
I guess my best advice is express your concerns without giving ultimatums, because you can always get a girl who doesn't do what she does, and its wrong to tell a grown person what they should be doing. You shouldn't have to change a person to be what you like, they should already be who you like.
Another interesting thing I got from what you wrote was this happens maybe once a month, so don't make it a big deal, other than voice your concerns, and let it go.
Long story short, if you can't handle her party ways, don't be with her. You sure ain't going to change it, without a good fight on your hands. Is it worth all that?
I just want to say too, this is really one of the best pieces of advice I've seen about relationships. So thank you.
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