I am 25 years old and in my second serious relationship. I have been seeing "John" exclusively for seven months. We worked together for 5 of those months, so we spent a lot of time together.

I love him. My definition of love: a choice you make every day to care about someone else, to place their needs equal to yours, the desire to see this person grow, be happy, be successful (whatever that means to them). The first time I told him I loved him he told me he "wished he was able to say those words." Apparently he's been hurt in the past.... we've all heard this story. Ever since then he just smiles really big and says thank-you.

He is very caring towards me, but it is very important to me to know that he loves me. Or rather, it's important to me that he VOCALIZES this. I know many will say that it doesn't matter if he says it as long as he shows it.... maybe for you.... but I need to HEAR those words.

Also, I really want to know what he wants in the future, if he wants to get married (in general, not necesarely to me) or have children. I don't know how to bring this up without making him think that I expect to start a family with him soon or even later. I just want to know if that's something that he thinks about, or wants.

I know that I want to eventually get married and start a family. It's something I'm really looking forward to doing later on when I become more financially sound and am in a good place career wise.

All these thoughts keep building up in my head and I'm afraid that if I don't let them out, it'll all just errupt from me at some inappropriate time.

So..... I need to know how to ask "Do you love me?" and "Have you ever thought of having a family?" in a man friendly way. And here's a big one: If "John" doesn't want a family life, where do I go from there? Is it a waste of time to be with someone you love for a few years if it means that you are creating more distance between you and the future family you know you want to have?

ISneezeFunny

I am a 22 year old male. With that in mind, I gotta tell you...the M-word still makes my heart skip a beat...mainly because I still have SUCH a long way to go...things I want to do, things I want to accomplish, places I want to travel to, etc.

I'm not sure how it works when you're in your mid-20s...but dropping the L-word after 7 months...seems a bit fast for me. I normally wait about a year or so before even thinking of telling someone I love them.

As far as the "do you love me, do you want to start a family"...I'm not so sure you can bring that up without making him think you want more out of the relationship, and seeing as you two have been together for only 7 months, I'd hold off on that. If anything, perhaps while you guys are talking about a related topic (...perhaps your cousin's kids...someone who's getting married...etc) maybe you can CASUALLY bring up, "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" But hold off on the "do you love me?" aspect...as too much pressure COULD scare him off a little.

If he says that he doesn't want a family (which I doubt he would say...doesn't everyone want a family someday?) then I suggest you gauge it on how serious he really is about it.

Altenweg

Why do you feel that you can't ask him these questions? Loving someone and being in a relationship with someone means that you are able to communicate with eachother. If there is no communication then there is no relationship.

As for family and marriage. If you do ask him and he says that's not what he wants for his future, then you have to decide if you can accept that or if you need someone who wants the same things you do. Don't stick it out hoping he'll change his mind, that's a good way to waste your life and throw away your dreams.

Talk to him openly, tell him how you feel, if it's meant to be then it will be.

Good Luck.

lmnotok

It is obvious that you want to start a family with him, and you are a very mature woman, so what prevents you from wanting to tell your man your hopes and wants? This is also a very important part of a family :telling others what we want!

So i think, you should just ask him normally and softly with UNFOCUSED eyes, dont look too serious while asking, and with a peaceful smile on your face. The conversation should start like:
-ksdngdsig ( you guys talk about something first, something funny... ) And when you're both laughing, you ask: John, i heard someone said that you are a commitment-phobia, hehe is that even true? (keep smiling like you are still joking. But a normal man will oppose immidiately if he is not a commitmentphobia). And observe his attitude and the way he respond to your question. If he says no, then you got the answer u wanna know. If he says yes, kinda or maybe, or not really, then, u know what he means.

In the case where he is exactly the kind of guy that never wants to get married then you should seriously think about what you want. You should leave it and find someone else. End it up soflty like "well, i guess we're too different. I want a family one day, you dont, so we should both think of a way out...". But you have to tell him what you want -A FAMILY IN THE FUTURE-

ISneezeFunny

Imnotok: I agree with the communication, but do you think it's wise that she brings it up after 7 months of dating? I feel like if a girl I dated for 7 months brought up marriage/life together in the future, I may be taken aback...granted, even if I felt those feelings for her as well, I just feel like that'd be too fast. No?

Altenweg

I do have to agree with that Sneezy, you are right, 7 months isn't a long time at all. My husband and I dated for 5 years before we got married. Granted we met when we were 19, but still.

It may be to early to expect an "I love you" but I don't think it's to early to discuss your hopes and dreams, just make sure you don't say something like "Are we going to get married some day? Are we going to have kids?" that could get him running. I do believe in communicating in a relationship and if this is something you want to know than you should ask him, communication is the key to a good relationship, like I said before. But maybe it is still a bit early in the relationship for him to start thinking of a future with you, and bringing up your hopes and dreams will have to be done delicately, and not make him think that you are taking things to fast.

depressedhelp

I agree.
The L-word. tends 2 freak guys out.
Its Natural.. for ANYONE 2 be scared by that..
but anyway.
marriage.. such a committment... and yes.
bring it up in a related subject perhaps.
taking a shot in the dark.. pretty risky..
anyway. GUD LUCK. :]]

SJB1701E

I think theres nothing wrong with talking about marriage/family/future at 7 months IF its casual and approached as nothing more than "what ifs". Approaching it as a what if lets you explore possible paths and find out the others desires while imparting your own to them in an environment that is a little more comforting because it isn't binding. You can talk about a what if and it doens't commit you or bind you to it. This makes it easier to talk about. Theres nothing wrong with stating your desires, just do so in a casual manner. Make it clear to him you're just exploring and not asking him to commit. Like Sneeze, I get a little paniked at the M-word at my age. Its something I want someday, just not right now.

As far as the I love you's, I've usually been saying it around 6 months into the relationship. With one girl it was as early as 1 month, but we'd been very close friends for a very long time before we started dating. Its actually the one I'm with now. Maybe I jump the gun with those three little words, but like you, if I feel it, I say it, and I like to HEAR it back. I can say is when he's ready to say it, he will. For some people it takes well over a year for them to get there. Everybody's different, so try not to put a time table on it for him to vocalize his feelings.

Sarah48375

My boyfriend and I used to play these games. They're like little quizzes to see how compatible you are with each other. I know it sounds silly, but they're fun and an easy way to bring it up. I guess it depend on what kind of relationship you have, but it's worth checking them out. Lovingyou.com: Printable Love Quizzes

talaniman

I think most of us agree that 7 months, is a little early to be planning the rest of your life, and way to soon to even know much about a person as far as long term. Whats the hurry, just me, if your not enjoying getting to know some one really well, that's a red flag to me. Not being able to honestly communicate ones feelings, is another.