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Girlfriend wants to breakup after 5 years

Asked May 30, 2009, 01:43 PM — 580 Answers
I need some clarity & advise, please.

Ive been in a long distance relationship for 5 years. Never experienced that before.

We are both successful artists, I am 10 years older. We spend most of the time together, but sometimes apart for weeks at a time. The distance has been trying, but we have made it work and the time together has been amazing and special & unique.

She is a very narcissistic person & is obsessed with fame & fortune. Is heavily into "The Secret", self-help, and is extremely career driven.

She is always flip-flopping about where she wants to be & what she wants to do, but knows she wants to be the best at her talents.

This has made it extremely difficult to make any concrete plans together, although we love each other.

She broke up with me over the phone a few days ago & says she doesn't want a relationship, wants to be single & needs time. In the same breath, she says she loves me, and I am her best friend, part of the family and wishes to remain friends. She comments on how "amazing" I am.

I have spent countless hours on the phone & otherwise supporting her with patience and love. She says "Cause that's what boyfriends do"

From what I know about her past, she has never had anyone true, mostly flings & bad relationships, in fact I was the only one that has met & spent loving times with her family.

She comes from a selfish and dysfunctional broken family. Mom became a lesbian and sister became a prostitute, drug addict during her teenage years. She went traveling around the world after that for 5 years to escape. Then became super driven.

I am really in a lot of pain & have told her that I was willing to do whatever it takes to be with her & emotionally pleaded to make things work, and that I don't want to lose her. She's says its too late needs to do this & be single. She says that in time she will be able to truly explain why she's doing this. She even tries to give me advise in healing, while saying she wishes the she could take all of my pain.

I feel now, I am out of site, out of mind & devastated as I have been so loving and supported and have been instrumental in where she is. She has also reinforced her love right to the very last week.

Now I can't sleep or eat. I feel like I just don't know what hit me or will ever get any answers.

Thanks for listening.

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taoplr's Avatar
taoplr Posts: 415, Reputation: 719
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#441

Aug 30, 2009, 11:52 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart View Post
Ive had a few pretty depressing days since, questioning my worthand trying to understand and release the feelings of rejection and "how could she do this" sort of stuff.
Hey Van,

It might not always feel like it, but you have come a long way. It's good to hear from you.

OK, so everybody is going to bust you on the "self worth fallacy," and they should. You have the experience and personal resources to debug that one. In the end, the most sophisticated techniques and psychology will be less powerful than a personal decision to simply love yourself, no matter what. Do that. Treat yourself with respect. Always.

As for trying to understand and release those feelings of rejection, I believe that you can gain a lot through that endeavor. If you can observe and listen when those tapes run, you have a chance of releasing them, putting them in an archive somewhere in the recesses of your mind. But keep in mind the possibility that some day you will need to access them in order to feel the empathy to help another human being.

The "how could she do this" part still hasn't caught up with current reality. He hasn't assimilated the facts and could be the holdout who is still causing you to suffer. Spend some time with him.

Quote:
My feelings have grown to utter sadness in a way. The loss. The amazement of going from love to nothingness in such a short time. How 5 years can end so abruptly. Hurts, but have been trying to dig deeper with my inner work and understanding.
Keep it up. With her, it's over. Done. With your inner life, your sadness and loss make room in you and deepen you for true, lifelong love, starting with a healthy sense of self love.

Quote:
I am so lucky to have a few very close friends who have been incredible & I have redirected my love towards them. Makes me weep at times in gratitude.

Theres still not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and miss the closeness and security of having someone in my life.
Two powerful statements here:

(1) Gratitude is the nectar of the gods, the force that heals, the catalyst and fuel of your (and my) liberation from illusion and the suffering it brings. Be grateful for your life.

Be with what is so that what is to be may become. - Soren Kierkegaard

(2) You need to love and be loved. You need to know a mate and be known by her. You need someone in your life, someone who chooses you, and whom you choose again and again and again. You haven't found that person yet. She's looking for you.
Quote:
Ive been fortunate to land a giant gig that will take me through October. Perfect timing actually.

My focus is to be the most kind and aware person that I can be and avoid drama at all costs, and keep learning.

That's the right focus. Remember it.

Quote:
I thank everyone that has given their unselfish advise here.
That has meant the world to me.

Van.
It means a lot to us, too. Keep posting updates. When you wake up one day soon with this episode in your life done, digested, and assimilated enough for you to forget it 99% of the time (It should never go away completely; it's learning) you might find yourself helping someone who needs your unique talents and perspectives. Share what you've got. You'll be glad that you did.

Enjoy the giant gig.

Tao
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vanheart's Avatar
vanheart Posts: 2,794, Reputation: 3579
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#442

Aug 31, 2009, 09:28 AM
Thank you Tao.
I appreciate those thoughts.
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vanheart's Avatar
vanheart Posts: 2,794, Reputation: 3579
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#443

Aug 31, 2009, 09:53 PM
Tao,

Thanks again especially for that Kierkegaard quote. You always know what stage I'm at. Nice one.

BTW, tried to get into that "General Theory of Love", but wasn't ready. Maybe later.

Been getting into the Carlos Casteneda stuff again. Wasn't ready when I read it at as a teenager.

Anyway, glad that you are here.
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vanheart's Avatar
vanheart Posts: 2,794, Reputation: 3579
Ultra Member
  
#444

Sep 1, 2009, 10:31 PM
Hey,

That last push from everyone has brought me through that door I was so afraid to go through. Thanks.

Chuffs words about comparing myself to her & esteem & Tao's words about making room for goodness. "She hasn't found me yet." No wonder..

I still write notes and put them in front of me. One tonight: "Star-effers and boyfriends don't mix". I wish I had written that one a long time ago, and recognized it.

Another one was "Whos in your IN box?" My sense of humor.

At the risk of being sappy, thanks.

My movement is now forward completely. My love and its direction.
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vanheart's Avatar
vanheart Posts: 2,794, Reputation: 3579
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#445

Sep 9, 2009, 09:15 PM
Having one of those days.

Running tapes.

Trying to be active and patient, but sometimes these recurrent thoughts become out of my control. Mostly because, I guess the past is catching up with reality & I'm not letting go. Even though I know I'm strong, moved on, and being grateful, helping others too. I know truly that I'm a good man.

The pain is still there & I want nothing more to relieve that. I know that this is larger than this breakup, but, sometimes the rejection & all that comes with it, is overwhelming, all of the lies & deceit. The disrespect.

Sucks. A$$.
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vanheart's Avatar
vanheart Posts: 2,794, Reputation: 3579
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#446

Sep 9, 2009, 09:35 PM
Letting myself be used.
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vanheart's Avatar
vanheart Posts: 2,794, Reputation: 3579
Ultra Member
  
#447

Sep 9, 2009, 09:57 PM
OK,

Shes here for another wedding today. Another one of her oldest gf's.

Plus I've read a couple articles she's written. And boy if they aren't my words. Even my punk NYC accent & terms. She knew how smart I was, but also how stupid. Plus, I saw she's teaching classes. (another thing I pushed her to do, as a side project.) After all, why not let interns & students worship you?

Im venting, sorry.

Pissed, sad, hurt & weirded out. Among other things.
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amicon's Avatar
amicon Posts: 6,063, Reputation: 9563
Uber Member
  
#448

Sep 9, 2009, 11:12 PM
Vent on van-thats what we re here for-and days like you just described are normal as I think you know.betayals suck-having been lied to sucks-but you as a you said are a good man and nobody can take that away from you!wishing you a better day tomorrow.
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taoplr's Avatar
taoplr Posts: 415, Reputation: 719
Full Member
  
#449

Sep 9, 2009, 11:46 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart View Post
Having one of those days.

Running tapes.

Trying to be active and patient, but sometimes these recurrent thoughts become out of my control. Mostly because, I guess the past is catching up with reality & I'm not letting go. Even though I know I'm strong, moved on, and being grateful, helping others too. I know truly that I'm a good man.

The pain is still there & I want nothing more to relieve that. I know that this is larger than this breakup, but, sometimes the rejection & all that comes with it, is overwhelming, all of the lies & deceit. The disrespect.

Sucks. A$$.
A window is open and it's Opportunity Time: What does the past catching up with reality feel like? Where does that change muscle tightness in your body? When you let go, what happens? What sits just below the surface, trying to be recognized?

"The rejection & all that comes with it" are red herrings, distractions from experiencing realizations about yourself, your part in creating the drama from which you are recovering. You get big changes when you let the rest of the story come into consciousness, when you own your part it writing the script.

Casteneda would understand.

Tao
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shian109's Avatar
shian109 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
New Member
  
#450

Sep 9, 2009, 11:51 PM
Believe me, you can get another better girlfriend!
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