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I really have a problem and I really need your help. I was reading through some topics from people that had similar problems, but i think mine is different in a way.
I was with this girl for almost 8 years. We had for 4 years long distance relationship, but we met every summer and Xmas for a month or so. We were really close together, our families met each other, and everything was so perfect.
Three weeks ago, she told me "things are not so weel for us now. I am not showing how much I love you, and we should take a break for a while so that I can decide what I want from my life".
I said ok, but then kept asking her questions and stuff all the time. A week ago, I started to see that she has found someone else. She wasn't sleeping at her house anymore, and she spent a lot of time away. I asked her many times if there is someone else, and she said no. But then i called her, i told her that you are not honest with me, and i want to know the truth.
This happend last wednesday (1 week ago). We talked over the phone, she told me everything, and I was very understanding and nice to her. I was talking not as her ex, but as her friend, giving her advice and stuff. I told her that she is moving too fast with him, sleeping almost everynight and stuff. She told me she doesn't love him, she is not in love with him, and basically she is enjoying what comes up in her world. She is enjoying every single moment of her life.
For two days, she understood that what was going on was wrong. She told me that she will end things up with the guy. So she went to see her, and after 1-2 hours she called me and told me she wanted to break up with ME. The very next day i called the airline and went and spent the weekend with her. Until monday. At first, things were weird, but then we had fun and sex and she showed she had feelings for me. She said things will someday be ok with us (as a couple) but she needs some time now..
Today is Friday. She slept with him on monday, wednsday and last night. She wants to be my friend, and talk to me. She said it feels right with me, but she wants to be sure that i am the one for her.
(she is 23 and i am 26). Yesterday, she told me she has chosen her life (not him). She told me he wants a relationship, but she doesn't. and still, she is sleeping with this guy at his house almost every day.
She told me she knows this guy is not the one for her, she is enjoying her life, and time will show..
Obviously, they are creating a new relationship together. They text each other, call each other, and sleep together almost every night. She made it clear though that she doesn't want a relationship. What the hell?
She loves me, she thinks that she will come back someday, but she needs some time now to think (with him apparently).
What should I do? Should I wait for her? Should I use the NO CONTACT rule? She wants to talk to me like a friend and share any news and stuff..
Can she feel the same about me again? Am i stupid for being so understanding and nice to her even if she sees another man?
Last two days I am trying to avoid her.. keep contacting at a minimum (1-2 minutes every time) and I close all conversations. Yesterday she told me that I was too 'cold' with her, even if we agreed to be close friends for now. I will continue this probably. Shall I keep talking with her as a friend? Or do the NO CONTACT rule? Which one is more effective? Will she ever come back?
Thank you guys..
Some other things I forgot to post:
I asked her a million times if she wants me to move on, forget about her.. she always tells me NO, unless I want to..
She always tryies to contact me.. and sometimes i am ingoring her and she doesn't like that.. she thinks I am cold at her or something..
During last weekend, I saw she had some feelings for me.. but since then, she is sleeping almost everynight with that guy (except one night).
What should I do to get her back? Stay her friend? Or NO CONTACT? Will I ever get her back? I NEED HELP!!!!
<<What should I do? Should I wait for her? Should I use the NO CONTACT rule? She wants to talk to me like a friend and share any news and stuff..
Can she feel the same about me again? Am i stupid for being so understanding and nice to her even if she sees another man?
>>
oh my...she is treating you like a DOORMAT!!!
please, get away from her now.
Yes do not be understanding and nice with her,
Tell her its over that she is not the woman for you anymore.
Then rebuild your life without her.
It sounds a though she's having fun at your expense. She loves you and thinks she may come back someday?? To me, this is selfish. She is playing around because you are letting her.
If she loves you, she would be faithful.
If she was your friend, she would be honest with you.
All the time she can see that you are 'hanging on', she will continue to behave like this. When she sees you are doubtful about what to do, she picks you up again or uses emotional blackmail (crying/accusing you of being unfeeling).
Only you can decide what you are prepared to put up with. Even if she does come back to you, who's to say she won't do the same thing again when she gets bored or another chap comes along?
It may be hard but perhaps a clean break would give both of you time & space to think? Or you can continue to be at her beck & call for whatever she wants.
I dont really know you guys...
I do love her, I am in love with her all over again after our weekend together. I know she had some feelings during that period.. Trust me..
She said she is not choosing HIM.. she is choosing her life right now, and whatever comes in front of her.
I asked her many times if she wants me to move on.. she said NO, unless i want to..
She asks my friends to check if i am eating ok because i lost some weight during our break up..
No, i dont want anymore to beg her, to ask her about our relationship and stuff.. I will stop.. But shall i talk to her sometimes as a friend? Or shall i disappear so that she will miss me. She wants us to be good friends. She is my best friend, and I am her best friend. This is a FACT!
She said she is not playing with me.. she wants to experience other things, and she wants to have a life now because she is afraid she will regret not having one ever. She is with me since her 15th birthday. I was her first one, she IS my first and only one...
She is telling me what they did with that guy.. Just 30 minutes ago, she talked to me (I DID NOT RESPOND), and changed her photo in msn to one that we are together.. me and her. She wants to check my reaction? Well, I will not talk to her. I have to be strong, try to enjoy my life and i know she will want someday to come back because I CAN make her happy and she knows that.
I dont know if i should stop talking to her, or just be there sometimes as her friend..
This hurst so bad because i am in love with her.. during this period i think i realised how much i do love her.. she told me many times that she likes what she is doing right now, but she thinks she will be back someday. What am i? Her stupid game or something?
We've been 8 years together.. how much time does she need in order to decide about us, and if I am the one for her or not? She is with this guy for over 2 weeks now.. Are they building a relationship together? and if yes, why does she want me to be there for her? Why does she want me to know that i have a chance? If she continues to see this guy for another 2-3 weeks, then I must end this relationship or friendship or anything for good.
The best advice in the world you are about to get here...She is not even a mature enough woman to let you go in peace to find another who could make you happy. She is keeping you as a puppet on a string, YOU ARE NOT A YOYO TOY..don't let her do this any longer..NEVER allow someone to keep you emtionally in turmoil..I don't know you but nobody deserves to be treated this way..The sooner you break contact and actually stick to it the better off you will be...Yes it will hurt you for some time to come but there is a better person waiting for you...At least you won't be going up and down on that yoyo anymore.
I wish the very best for you because you sure deserve better than what she is.
<<I asked her many times if she wants me to move on.. >>
Do not ask her if she wants you to move on, TELL HER YOU ARE MOVING ON AND GOODBYE!!!! She seems to want to experience the wild girl stage.She wants to keep you there while she sees if she finds someone better!!
Dissappear !!!
Thanks guys for your advices..
The following is her email to her mum she wrote 3 days ago. She clearly doesn't say anything about being another guy in her life. but please tell me what she means. My name is Nicolas and her name is Kathryn.. just to let you know:
"I dont really know where to start, but as you know i've been feeling abit confused lately about myself and what i want from life, i dont know if its a phase everyone goes through, or if something is wrong with me. i've been sounding selfish lately, especially towards nicolas, telling him that i dont feel like i've had a life because i was so young when we met and that i want to spend some time with myself and experience new things and do what kathryn wants, then i've been hating myself for hurting him i feel like such a horrible person for doing this, i feel guilty and insensitive and i know i'm not that kind of person because it upsets me. we've been trying to be on a break and just do our own thing for a while, i think i'm worried that i will regret not having taken the chance to live on my own for some time and that i'm not ready to settle down or not even sure if hes the right person, then on the other hand i'm scared to let go incase i'm making a mistake because in many ways it does feel right, he does make me happy and supports me and gives me everything. so i go back and forth all the time, hurting both of us. Imi must have told you that he came out for the weekend and made me feel so awful because hes being so unbelievably nice to me an understanding that i cant tell him to move on, maybe i dont want him to either i just dont know. i'm making myself physically sick because i cant eat and i havent slept properly in days, i'm driving through red lights because my mind is not with me, i've had diarrhea and vomiting on and off the last 2 weeks i think the stress of it has affected my immunity or something! nicolas has also lost a lot of weight and i feel responsible for this. i dont want to make you worry, because i'm sure that everything will work out eventually and that time heals everything. We talked alot this weekend and concluded that the best thing for now is to be good friends, speak whenever we want and just both live life as it comes and hope that time will help decide on a final decision.. thats all i can really say about this, i'm told these things are always hard but many people experience it and its possible to pull through, whatever happens in the end! "
she sounds confused.
she has not experienced the single life and does not want to regret later on...this is common for a girl who has been in a long relationship since teenage years.
many posters here have had the same experience...ehh geoff?....
but the best thing for you now is to cut ALL contact and move on,
This is for you ok?to heal and become strong again.
Living in limbo is not a way to live...
Right now she needs to do what she wants and you need to do what you want.
Go and read Geoffs post , its very similiar to yours and read all the advice.
I like talking to her.. It calms me down i guess.. but she started building a new relationship immediatly after ours ended.. i mean.. what? what is that? how can she move on so quickly? Ok she told me she doesn't care about him, she doesn't love him, she is not in love with him.. and if she decides to end with him she will.. She told me MANY times she doesn't want a relationship now and no commitment.. She told me that this guy thinks they have a relationship and she doesn't care about that. She told the guy that me and her are over for good.. and she is trying to get over me (move on).. she is either not honest with him (or maybe with me?). But they are sleeping everynight together (at his place), texting to each other, and talking to the phone.. if this is not a relationship, then what is? I dont really know what to believe.. I do want her back.. but if she stays with him for more than a month, then i'll have to move on i guess..
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