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Girlfriend "wants a break" - I dont know what to do
Asked Feb 21, 2007, 10:58 AM
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219 Answers Hello all, I have read quite a few of the longer discussions which have taken place here, and I hope that you can help me with mine. My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for just shy of 3 years. Last week, she told me that she didn't feel for me as she used to, she just didn't think that she loved me as much as I love her. Soon after that, she told me she thought it was so stupid, and she made a huge mistake. I took her back, because it was all that I wanted. Now, a week later, she has told me she still has that feeling in the back of her mind, and she can't shake it. I know the reason she came back to me the first time is because everyone she talked to told her it was a mistake -- including her family and some of her friends. They told her that she would not find someone as good as me, and why would she want to leave me. Now, she has told me that she wants a break again, and her reason is so that "she can be by herself because she doesn't know what it would be like to live without me". The problem is, I thought we were perfect. My main concerns are these: It seems since she has gone to school, she has become more social and this might have something to do with why she wants a break. She told me that the thought of the possibility of being with a specific person has crossed her mind, but also swore to me she couldn't see herself with him. She says she just wants time to hink and be by herself. Also, this friday night, we were planning on seeing each other, as I was going to go to her school and stay overnight. We still have plans to see each other, though all communication between us until then is at a bare minimum. I don't know what I should do when I see her. I think that if I tell her how I really feel, and break down, she will take me back, though this might be just because she feels bad. I know that shouldn't be waht I want, but I am willing to do anything at this point. One last troubling part of this whole thing is that I asked her this morning if she was sad, and she told me that sad wasn't the word, it was more confusion. Hearing this almost made me break down in class. For the last week between the first time this happened and now, we seemed perfect. I asked her once "Will you stay with me forever" and she responded, "of course". Thinking back on that now, all I want to do is die, beucase I am so afraid that I won't have that again. She has promised me that when she sees me friday she will go into with an open mind, and we will try to talk about things then. I know this is only a 2 or 3 day break, but it is my sincere hope that she misses me. When I see her, should I bring her flowers or do anything to try to win her back? I told her I was planning on bringing her flowers originally (before she told me this) and she said that she didn't want that, bcause it would just make her decisions harder. I am sorry for writing so much, but I feel like I can't survive. Somebody please help me  |
219 Answers
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| Re-read everything you have posted here. It isn't ignoring her. She broke up with you. She asked for space. She is leaving you. How on earth does that make you the bad guy here? Stop looking at her though rose colored glasses and accept that she has left you and most probably never coming back. You aren't listening. You have every right to ask for her to leave you be now. You need for her to leave you alone. She loves having this control over you. And I think you like her having it in some ways too. She does have another guy too remember. And if you think she isn't mucking around with him then I think you are sadly mistaken. I know its tough but you aren't helping matters here and until you do you will feel like sh1t! | ||||
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Are you saying that I am to assume that everything she has said to me has been a lie? She has sworn to me that she does not want a relationship right now with anyone, that she has done nothing with him, and that he isn't interested in a relationship either, as he is still hung up on an ex of his own. I don't enjoy her having this control over me, and I understand that the more control she has over me, the worse I feel. To be honest, the fact that she called me today, and texted me yesterday makes me feel better because I feel like I am winning some of the control back. No longer am I initiating any contact, she is doing it - which makes me feel as if I'm in control. I guess to improve this even more, I need to take it to the next level and not only not contact her, not answer her attempts. | ||||
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Look, we have no investment in telling you to have no contact. I'm not a bitter guy trying to make all women pay for one woman who broke up with me! I have a counselling background and many more years of experience in life that you have. There are others on here who have gone or are going through the same thing and they are telling you they feel your pain but they are healed/healing because they have stuck to their guns. IF you really want to heal then you MUST stop all contact. If you are still so afraid of what she (or other people) think, then tell her that you do want to be friends but for right now you need absolutely NO contact for at least three months. I don't really think it is good for you to put a time limit on it, but if that will help you heal then it's better to do that than what you are doing. The main thing is that you need to act and believe it's over forever. That way, if it is, you won't be back where you are now six months from now, and if it's not, you will be strong enough to make a conscious choice if this is really what you want. For the reasons already explained by many, I urge you to have no contact. Besides, how will she ever know what life is like without you in it? Having contact with her is not good or fair to either one of you and will never resolve your issues. You need to step outside of the circle and see this with unbiased eyes. Do you really want to heal? If so, I feel that there is only one way. Why don't you at least give it a chance? You came here for advice and it has been pretty consistent. Why not listen to it? Hugs, Didi | ||||
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| No I'm not saying to assume that, don't assume anything. I may have been a little off with that comment about the other guy but she has shown interest. You and I both know how things can work. I don't know her like you and it is good to have trust in people. And a necessity in the person we love. But in situations like this some people say and do things that are out For character. They deal with things differently than they ever have before. It is a time when you should only trust yourself. And if you trust within yourself that everyhting she is saying is true than I will trust you too. But you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Okay? Im not being harsh with you. As I have said all along I know your pain. I am only trying to help. I know how when we are in this world of pain that our judgment and thinking becomes clouded and we only see what we want to see. Sometimes we need the help of strangers to help us see a little more of the situation. That's all I'm trying to do. Not judge or hurt you more. I just want you to go and read every post and every bit of advice you have gotten again and determine what you think the best course of action is. Once again, you aren't the bad guy. Not at all. She has asked for space and broken up with you. By you taking some space yourself and looking after your own interests it isn't being an a$$hole. It is being human! And if she can't respect that then frankly your better off without her! | ||||
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| Well, To be completely honest, I have wanted to keep no contact for a while now. I assumed that when I asked, she would listen to that and not contact me. I suppose I had trouble ignoring her attempts for contact (obviously). I have known for a while that no contact is what I need to do, and I am just as aware of that now. What I didn't realize is that answering/responding to her is just as bad as picking up the phone and calling her. Guess I needed that kick in the pants, and I got it... Thanks for straightening me out  | ||||
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Thank you, Skell. It just occurred to me that perhaps the reason this gal is so confused is because the other guy doesn't care for her as much as she wants him to. She may just want what she can't have.  Didi | ||||
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| Skell, I hate to admit it, but that comment about her "mucking around with the other guy" is starting to tear me up. I know its silly for me to be bothered by this so much, but for some reason the thought of her having any physical relationship with anyone still kills me. I know we are through, and its none of my business, but for some reason the thoughts still eat me up. --EDIT-- I came back to edit this after a trip to the gym... After thinking for a while, it still upsets be a lot, but I can say that I'm making some progress. I am quite upset about it, but it doesn't put me in tears anymore, and I don't feel as if I'm on the verge of a panic attack any longer... I suppose that is progess | ||||
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| I didn't mean it to tear you up. Sorry about that. But you are sort of in this fantasy land where you seem to think that everything is going to be ok. And if you just keep being the nice guy and answering all her calls then she will come around. Not going to happen! We are only trying to offer you advice that will best serve you and help you begin to heal. Answering her calls and being there for her won't help you in any way. Keep going to the gym. Do things to take your mind of it all. | ||||
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| I know it wasn't intentional, and I know I need to get over it. I have been doing a lot of thinking tonight, and I realize that the only thing that still really tears me up is the fact that she may be with someone else. The funny thing is, everything she has told me goes against the fact that she is. I use what she has said to help me feel better, and I know that is not the solution. I need to get myself to a state where it doesn't matter what happens, because it is not my issue any longer. I am done answering calls, responding to text messages...all of that. Yes, I am still sad that we are not together, and I wish that things didn't happen this way but they did. It just seems that the last hurdle for me is accepting that she may be with someone else. Trust me, that hurdle is huge... I am doing my best to try and accept the fact, because I don't think I will ever get over it without accepting it, though accepting it is an extremely painful process so far. I do have an appointment to talk with someone tommorrow, and I am making a list of things I wish to say. This will prevent me from repeating myself and sounding like a dumba**, and make sure I don't miss anything I want to say. One of the main points I will bring up is the fact that I cannot get over this, and I believe it is due mostly to my insecurities and the fact that I can't seem to just have faith and trust what I've been told. Thanks for all the helps guys. I can see myself being better in the future, though I know the road is rough. Skell and Didi, I want to especially thank you guys. I know that I seem like I am not taking the advice into consideration, and I think I have just been using the support to feel better and not reading into it deep enough. I have since gone back and reread the entire thread a few times, and I picked up on things I missed. Soemtimes it helps to read the info more than once... Quote:
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