My girlfriend wants a break?

Coakes · Mar 30, 2008, 01:41 PM

My girlfriend and I have been together now for almost 5 years. I am madly in love with her and am ready to spend the rest of my life with her. She knows this but at the time she is confused about what she wants. The past 6 months have not been the best part of our relationship. I could feel her becoming distanced from me. She has no interest in sex, barely ever wants to cuddle, and doesn't show me much affection. I know that I haven't made the situation better but I'm trying to do my best. A few days ago, I asked why she never wants to be intimate with me for what seems like the millionth time, she told me she loves me but she is unsure if she is still in love with me. This is the first time this has come out. I believe in my heart that she is still in love with me, but is confused about her life and what she wants. We have been together since we were 18 and are now 23. She says she needs a break to find herself, independence, and to figure out her feelings. I am so devastated that she even needs to go through something like this. I feel like I went through this 2 years into our relationship, but I worked through it myself without putting our relationship on hiatus. That makes me think that she will discover with this break, that she is truly in love with me so we can move on and find ourselves together. We've agreed not to see other people, and I've told her to call me when she's ready. I want to know if anyone else has been through this situation before?? We haven't had hardly any problems in our relationship other than my jealousy which I have worked through. I need advice on how to handle this. I feel so devastated and lost. She is my best friend. I can't lose her. Please help.

simoneaugie · Mar 30, 2008, 11:17 PM

Yeah, I can see you're hurting. Don't like anyone to feel pain without gain. But, I'll tell you why I broke up with every guy. I've been dumped, sure. But every time I dumped it was for one, or both of two reasons.

1. He was clingy and wanted to know where I'd been, who I had talked to. He talked about "us" from his perspective and didn't consider mine.
2. He was lousy in bed.

If a woman is having fabulous sex, she can usually overlook the clinginess, for a while. As I had more relationships, guys who talked about us, without asking what I thought and felt, never even got a first date. Again, fabulous sex overruled break-up thoughts for a long time.

She might come back. In the meantime, learn about you. Learn what makes the best relationship for you. Don't sugar-coat it. Marriage is for life, be realistic. Work with what works.

teresa obst · Mar 30, 2008, 11:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

"Throwing away" 5 years is better than "throwing away" your life.

And from a female perspective--"I need a break" really means "I've been wondering what I'm doing in this relationship for a while, and every time I think I'm just going to break up with you, you do something sweet and I wonder how I could ever leave you, but most of the time, I'm frustrated because I don't love you like I once did, and I don't know how to fix it, but if I tell you I'm breaking up with you, you'll hate me, and I still love you in some ways, but not in THAT way, and it would hurt me to lose you completely from my life, so maybe if we take a break, I'll realize I still love you and come back (which isn't likely) but maybe I'll finally be able to actually THINK without you actually influencing my thinking with your big puppy dog eyes and that hurt look on your face, because I don't really want to hurt YOU, I just don't know what's best for ME anymore, but I don't think you are it, or I wouldn't be feeling so frustrated and restless". (yes, that was deliberately done without much puntucation)

Basically, "I need a break" means "I fell out of love with you somewhere, and I don't know what to do now, but I feel guilty when I'm with you for not being in love with you, so I'm going someplace where I feel less guilty".

In other words--don't hold your breath that she's comign back, and if she DOES come back, don't expect ANYTHING to be the same.

Go out, have some fun with your friends, and don't spend the next couple of YEARS waiting for her to come back, like one guy I know.

PS--I'm happily married, and was the dumper rather than the dumpee in about half my relationships. I'm not the broken-hearted stereotype you're painting about the people who answer here. I'm just giving it to you as it really is, not how you want it to be.

I'd also like to add that I have been married for 20 years now. When I fell out of love with my husband, it was because I fell in love with someone else. I did not want to hurt my husband and I did not want to "slam" that door either, so I just told him I needed time. I never went forward with the other relationship and my husband and I worked it out. It can happen, so keep your chin up!



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