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Bluefish23 · Jul 18, 2009, 09:51 PM

Hi all,
First timer here, just found this great site while browsing in a confused daze.

Been with GF for 3 years, we really clicked together, but I am older (5 years) and have been in a relationship before. She has not.
We have both moved to a new city, new life at the beginning of the year.
She is studying, I am working.
Yesterday, we went out shopping/movies etc and I am getting really strange vibes (the last few days)
I know she has been going out the last 3 nights with some new overseas students she met earlier in the week. So I asked what was wrong and she becomes all teary, she says she got drunk and stayed up all night with this guy and kissed him.
She says she now wants space, leaves all of a sudden and goes back to her place.
The last 24hours have been a turmoil of emotions, but I have respected her space (she said she will call tonight) and not succumbed yet to the madness of pain and attempted contact.
She has only ever been loving and lovely and I really really am in love with her. The world lights up when she around.
But I feel she wants new experiences... but I cannot bear to think of her with someone else.
What to do?
Not answer when she calls tonight? Just give her complete isolation for her to experience (as she sortof wishes) despite wanting to ask her to come home?

57373 · Jul 18, 2009, 09:58 PM

She has ALREADY been with someone else

Why doesn't that effect you?

Why aren't you mad?

If you loved her you would have a bit more respect for the boundries of your relationship,and the effects of crossing them.

You are downplaying CHEATING.

If you want to hear from her it shouldn't be because you want to hear 'baby I love only you'

But because you want to hear what happened,and the entire truth.

Though if she says she wants a 'break' it means she's been seeing this guy,for awhile,kept you as backup,and is now ready to move on (yeah this happens so much it's predictible)

Bluefish23 · Jul 18, 2009, 10:01 PM

I am mad, and do want the truth.
She said it was just a kiss, but I had to ask her about it, she didn't put forward the truth herself.
This is what I am most angry about, that she tried to hide it.

57373 · Jul 18, 2009, 10:03 PM

If it was 'just a kiss' she would not want a break. (implying some kind of emotions)

I went through the same thing,but my ex wasn't as upfront with the truth,I had to find out from the other person.

Which is always... the best way for the truth... but the most messy.

If you know how to contact this guy,don't be aggressive or rude,but ask him what happened,if you're not defensive he might tell you,he has nothing to lose,unlike her.

sweet1028 · Jul 18, 2009, 10:26 PM

She cheated. She wants a break... could be something you should be worried about. If she's crying and all why she told you if might have been a cover up and she might not have wanted to hurt you but it probably has been going on for awhile. Good Luck!

Bluefish23 · Jul 18, 2009, 10:43 PM

I do not think it has been going on long, only a few days at most, she just met these people.
She has always hated "cheaters" and as I love her I will give her the benefit of the doubt, a kiss is just a kiss.
But the dishonesty/jealousy is swirling around inside me like maddened bees that I want to let out.
Not sure if I should vent it onto her (she said "she wanted to see me angry, why am you never angry?", in her tearfilled fleeing)

Or block her completely till she sorts herself out.

talaniman · Jul 18, 2009, 10:46 PM

You take her call and listen to what she has to say. If it gets to emotional or bad news, you end it rather than beg, cry, or whine.

If you can CALMLY ask questions, AFTER she speaks her peace, then do so.

I find it much better to think before you speak, especially if its from emotion.

But I feel she wants new experiences... but I cannot bear to think of her with someone else.

You could be right about this.

But the dishonesty/jealousy is swirling around inside me like maddened bees that I want to let out.

Calm down until she gives you facts.

Not sure if I should vent it onto her (she said "she wanted to see me angry, why am you never angry?", in her tearfilled fleeing)

Of course you don't vent, until you hear what she has to say, HMM, if your living together, where did she leave to??

or block her completely till she sorts herself out.

Wait for all the facts to come to light, then make a decision, after you have thought about it.

Bluefish23 · Jul 18, 2009, 11:00 PM

Thanks all for your replies. It is amazing how comforting just discussing a problem with people is, really brings me back down to earth.

I will calmly take her call then.
Ask my piece thereafter.

As to where she has gone to, she has a college room, though she has been living with me about 50% of the time.

sweet1028 · Jul 18, 2009, 11:46 PM

Maybe it was just that one wild night then. If she doesn't like a cheater why make herself into someone she doesn't like. I would let her tell you all that happened and listen to her explanation before asking questions.

She probably feels like she has betrayed your trust and now is scared that you will not want to be with her. A drunken kiss means nothing when sober, just a mistake you wish never happened.

57373 · Jul 19, 2009, 12:01 AM

Originally Posted by sweet1028

Maybe it was just that one wild night then. If she doesn't like a cheater why make herself into someone she doesn't like. I would let her tell you all that happened and listen to her explanation before asking questions.

She probably feels like she has betrayed your trust and now is scared that you will not want to be with her. A drunken kiss means nothing when sober, just a mistake you wish never happened.

Did you skim over the part where she said she wanted a break/space? doesn't seem like she wanted to fix whatever 'mistake' she made.

Maybe she used this as a cover up,who knows, a reason to break up.

sweet1028 · Jul 19, 2009, 12:18 AM

I said that too in an earlier post 57373. I'm not sure if she knows what she wants. Be patient is all I know to do, and when being patient for too long is becoming too much... it might be best to just move on altogether.

Gemini54 · Jul 19, 2009, 12:22 AM

I would wait until you hear from her - don't initiate the contact. Yep! It will be hard and your mind will be full of crazy thoughts.

I also think that it's really hard to second guess what has happened, or to call her a cheater until you hear from her, and get an understanding regarding what it's all about.

Listen to what she has to say, ask questions and don't overreact. Easier said than done, I know. Remember, she's the one that has to do the explaining, so let her talk and don't fill in the gaps.

Bluefish23 · Jul 19, 2009, 02:18 AM

Wow, well you guys were right. She called and basically said she wants to break up. The kiss was nothing, but the fact it happened shook her up and got her thinking. She says she loves me and all that jazz, but she needs time to be herself.
ZING! Boy, did I get classic clichéd.
She is having a few days apart to see if that is how she feels, but I have that impending doom feeling which means general sadness is forcasted to flow in my way.
I'll give her NoContact till she calls me up...

Must say I was blindsided though, happy one day, the next.
Guess I have to work on picking up the hidden signs.

Gemini54 · Jul 19, 2009, 02:28 AM

Originally Posted by Bluefish23

Wow, well you guys were right. She called and basically said she wants to break up. The kiss was nothing, but the fact it happened shook her up and got her thinking. She says she loves me and all that jazz, but she needs time to be herself.
ZING! Boy, did I get classic cliched.
She is having a few days apart to see if that is how she feels, but I have that impending doom feeling which means general sadness is forcasted to flow in my way.
I'll give her NoContact till she calls me up...

Must say I was blindsided though, happy one day, the next.
Guess I have to work on picking up the hidden signs.

Sorry to hear that, but it must have been on the way out if (as she says) a simple kiss got her thinking!

Sounds like you've got some thinking to do...

Why-Man · Jul 19, 2009, 02:53 AM

Dear friend;
Well, I believe that every girl has someone in her mind, and this one has different characters, different behaviors or different style of life. But that doesn't mean she is looking forward that one, she meets many people among them she feels that is the one ignoring everything that was in her mind about her "Knight".

What I am trying to say is that she found someone who might be closer to her dreams that you are, but that will be just an experience. I am sure that you have a better chances to win her heart again, cause it is already yours. Remember that she mentioned what happened was because she was drunk meaning she still cares about her.

Anyway, try to show her that you DO care, and never let her away 'cause you really love her. Just keep me updated with your new info. And we will solve it!!

sully123 · Jul 19, 2009, 05:17 AM

Bluefish you are doing the right thing no contact right now. She wants her space and your honoring it. Wow, that's a blow, but nothing surprises me today. There is nothing you can do right now, she has to work through this by herself. She might of made the biggest mistake or she just doesn't want to be in a relationship. Time will tell and good luck.

Bluefish23 · Jul 19, 2009, 05:29 PM

"i hope you have an ok day at work today. i'm sorry for the ways things are turning out. just channel all your anger towards me into work! see if you can get to 200! (ok, maybe that's a bit excessive)

ugh, amy and helen were in my room girltalking til quite late last night and today i've finally joined you again in the realm of nine o'clock starts. not a good feeling.

will talk to you soon i guess."

So this is in my inbox this morning. Sort of unexpected, seeing as last night she wanted her space and I have been preparing myself for a few days of NC.
Though the tone is so very neutral, minus the usual lovisms etc.
Must... resist... urge... to... reply...

Gemini54 · Jul 19, 2009, 05:38 PM

Originally Posted by Bluefish23

"i hope you have an ok day at work today. i'm sorry for the ways things are turning out. just channel all your anger towards me into work! see if you can get to 200! (ok, maybe that's a bit excessive)

ugh, amy and helen were in my room girltalking til quite late last night and today i've finally joined you again in the realm of nine o'clock starts. not a good feeling.

will talk to you soon i guess."

So this is in my inbox this morning. Sort of unexpected, seeing as last night she wanted her space and I have been preparing myself for a few days of NC.
Though the tone is so very neutral, minus the usual lovisms etc.
Must......resist.......urge.......to....reply..... ......

Yes, do resist. Let her sit in what she has to feel without placating her feelings or adding your own. Sometimes silence is the best and only response.

BlackVY · Jul 19, 2009, 06:04 PM

Sounds a lot like what I'm going through once again.

She wanted space yesterday, said she can't do this anymore, so I left it at that and started NC, but got mails and txt messages and a few calls(which I didn't answer)...

I guess the best thing to do right now is to ignore those "neutral" messages she sends, as she is probably hoping to get a response. Be strong and resist. Wait for something real, heartfelt and meaningful, but till then, keep the NC.

Good luck to us both... fingers crosses

Bluefish23 · Jul 20, 2009, 06:48 PM

Sorry to hear it BlackVY, I hope she contacts you with a kiss.

I have been strong the last few days, filling my life with productivity and keeping away from contacting her. I have actually been making a "Breakup Showbag" just for fun, with a few belated thoughts and gifts. I know that is weak in a way, but damnit, if I am going down in flames, I am going down in flames the way I want... which is the way I loved.
Tomorrow is doomsday, in where she will call me to deliver the final verdict.

Today I woke up really early and was quite a mess... but this website is pulling me back together (at the expense of work :( )
I fear the worst, so I am trying to suck it up, and when I see her tomorrow I will take it on the chin, grab her, kiss her passionately and walk away forever.