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My Girlfriend Says We Are Too Different
Asked Jun 29, 2008, 09:44 AM
My girlfriend and I have been together for 14 months, and recently had told me that we are two different people, and since I've known her she has not been her "true" self. She wants to go back to being herself. I'm not quite a crazy party-goer, but I know how to show her a good time as a couple, and she comes from a past full friends who are, to cut to the chase, drugheads.
I love this girl more than anything in the world, and I am nothing but good to her, sometimes I think maybe I have been too good to her. Our differences really never mattered before because we believed (and I still do) that we were perfect for each other. We were like glue, any time I had to go somewhere for work or to help my father at his work, and she wasn't working, she would come even though I'd tell her she can stay at her apartment because it may be boring standing around, but she insisted on coming every time. And she'd just stand there (or sit) by my side for 3-4 hours, perfectly content, watching me, or maybe napping every now and then. I didn't force her to come, she would insist on coming, and this actually made me feel very good on the inside because I knew she truly loved me just as I did her. Often-times we would talk about getting an apartment together once her lease ran out we would get an apartment together. She would often ask me if I thought it was a good time to tell her parents that we wanted to move in together officially. (I was living with my parents, and instead of getting into a 6 month or 1 year lease commitment with an apartment, decided to wait until her lease was up so we could get a bigger apartment together).
Lately she's been making more friends at her new job, which is great, but I think it may be reminding her of her past life-style and she is now wishing she still lived that way. Since we've been together, all of that stopped because I'm pretty strict about drug-use. In fact, I know that this is where the problem lay because I was also pretty strict about alcohol, and I didn't like the way she acted when she drank, so we would argue about that. She once told me that I never want to go out and do anything, which I realize now is true, but I want her to know that I've changed. I was too controlling, and after all of this, I've realized that and I've gone out with some of my friends and realized that I was preventing her from doing the same and having a great time, and I feel really bad about that. I want her to know that I have realized that drinking and such isn't really such a big deal, it's just the way I was raised that made me have those feelings (both parents straight-edge). I want her to know that I've realized that relationships are about sacrificing and changing for each other, and up until now she has been the only one doing so (big sacrifices, I mean, of course I've made small ones). She told me while we were fighting that "People don't change, I've realized that" because she was referring to her old boyfriend who was a big drug-addict and for 2 years she tried to change his habits but he never listened and would often times go out with his ex-girlfriends. The thing is, though, people CAN change and I can change, not just for her, but for myself. We're young and need to get out and experience life more, and I realize she is right, but I wish she would be there with me. I want to let her know that I've realized all this and that people really can change if she would give them the chance, but she won't answer my phone calls. I don't want to push her too much, either.
I went to her apartment on a Monday to grab some things that belonged to me like my laptop and while there I tried to smooth things over, but she refused to say anything. Later that night, at almost midnight, she called me and said she didn't say anything because she knew everything I was saying was true (all couples have differences but they work it out and that is what makes them stronger) and asked me to forgive her. I did, and we were OK for a few days. She would call me one day, and we'd hang out or talk and we'd be fine, but then the next day she wouldn't call, or when I called her she would be very short like "Just got home from work, gonna eat and take a shower bye" and that is literally all she would say, and not call back. Then the next day we'd be happy again, and the next not-so happy again. So Thursday night, having not received any phone call, I called her and told her it seems she doesn't know what she wants and is confused, and that she can't keep yoyo-ing me around whenever she pleases,and she told me that she thinks she's doing it because it's just not going to work. The next day while I was at work, she called and texted me saying she was sorry and being unfair and wanted to work it out, so we were together for the weekend and even went to the beach on Sunday with another couple (friends). Then Monday, I could feel her being short with me again, so Tuesday I told her we needed to talk, so she came over to my house, and I told her that this wasn't working (I was hoping since I was the one doing the dumping, she would become upset and realize what she was doing, but instead she took the news easily and said sorry for pushing me and pulling me back, then went to her apartment.) This was my biggest mistake, and I hate myself for it.
I called her the next day saying sorry and we can work it out, but she answered the phone very angrily and told me that she does not want to be with me and doesn't want to speak with me anytime soon. I tried sending her flowers, but after receiving them she replied to an e-mail I sent her telling her how much she means to me after and told me to leave her alone. So I'm trying, but it's so hard because I love her so much and I can't bare the thought of losing her.
We are both very old-fashioned, and don't date people just for the sake of going out and partying and having sex. Neither of us would never even think of a one-night-stand. In fact, she told her old boyfriend upfront that she had interest in another person (me) instead of hiding it and broke it off with him very maturely (although it didn't bother him much since he had other things like drugs and ex-girlfriends to keep him busy). When we first got together as a couple, she sat me down and told me "Okay, we're together now so I think you have the right to know that in my past I have done x y z." I found that very mature and I've always respected that about her.
Also, she's very closed in about her feelings, and that's because of the way she was raised. When happens, she'll stop and think "Okay, this really sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it" and 2 minutes later she'll be fine. This is because as a child she was pretty much forced into this mind-set as her mother (she lived with her mother, parents were divorced) was not very "here honey, come sit next to me and tell me what's wrong." In fact, her mother wouldn't care if she went to school, skipped, came home at 3 in the morning, or whatever. When her grandmother died, who she loved so dearly and would often visit her while she was in a hospice house, she cried for about 2-3 minutes, literally, and I held her. After that, she has never mentioned it again. Also, recently we found out that her ex-boyfriend committed suicide, and she has never really tried to say anything about it except one time. It was a misunderstanding though, she tried to mention it and say it was why we were having problems is that she never really had time to think about it, and I said I didn't want to talk about it meaning talk about our problems (because we had been happy for a few days and I thought we could just put it behind us, I didn't want to risk another argument) but instead she took it as I didn't want to talk to her about her feelings. That's not what I meant at all, and I tried to explain that to her.
After all we've been through together and how much I know we love each other, I think that we deserve a second shot at this. This has been our first real bump in our relationship, so it's not like this is a lost cause. We can fix this if she'd let us.
To me it sounds like she is very confused as to what she wants, but at the same time I'm afraid she seriously doesn't want to see me again. What should I do?
 She told her friend that she has been trying to fill her days and keep busy so that she doesn't have time to think about me, and that she just needs time. Also, she hasn't been staying at her apartment the past couple days, I think she's staying with one of her new friends from work. This shows me that she is still thinking of me and cannot even stay at her apartment alone because it reminds her of me. This sounds like good news to me, like she still has feelings for me but is confused
Last edited by spy8901; Jun 29, 2008 at 09:59 AM.
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Jun 29, 2008, 10:42 AM
Phew, I might have a missed a few things, but I'll try to give you my take on all of this.
First impression: It sounds like there might be a few more problems then you are letting on. It sounds like there were quite a few arguments throughout the relationship, but you are trying to justify them and chalk them up to misunderstandings or things you have put in the past. After a breakup it is all to easy to see the relationship for all the good and none of the bad, but you can't look back that way. You need to open your eyes to the truth of what happened.
Secondly, The reason she was acting the way she was. My guess is that she was confused and dealing with a lot of emotions all at once. She was seeing old friends, missing her old life, but she still loved you. She needed to figure out what she wanted to do, and when she did, she did it with a little bit of hesitation. Having been there myself (I've had problems with my ex when she discovered having fun with her own friends), I know it is confusing and easy to blame her friends for it, but in honesty, you can't control what she does and they are all her own decisions. One thing you need to remember is that you can't change people. People do change, contrary to what she said, but they change on their own accord, no one else's.
So she broke up with you, and then yoyod you for a while because her indecision and guilt was no doubt eating at her mind. It sucks to think that you might be doing the wrong thing when it is a life changing decision, so she had a lot of feelings to sort through.
One last point I wanted to mention:
Originally Posted by spy8901
That's a problem. She doesn't want to fix it, at least not now. But pushing and begging and pleading you will push her away and make her want to fix it even less. You need to stop and search your brain, and throw away EVERYTHING that hollywood ever taught you about breaking up. Its all false, none of that works, and to be honest, most of the time achieves the opposite effect. Give her what she wants, some space and some time to her self. No pressure from you.
Take this time to better yourself, to become a healthier person, a happier person by yourself, and live on knowing that she is the one who lost out on someone great -- not you.
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Jun 29, 2008, 02:09 PM
Originally Posted by bigbird213
I'm not trying to change her, I want her to know that I have changed and realized what fun and life I've been keeping her from having.
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Senior Family & People Expert
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Jun 29, 2008, 02:21 PM
For whatever reasons you have broken up, and she may be hurt, or disappointed, but she is determined to get over it. You can point at anything you want, to see why this thing didn't work, but mostly you two are not compatible so do as she is doing, moving on. Hope you enjoyed the good times, but its time to get going, on your own time.
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