Been with this girl for 3 years. ive had 2 previous g/f's but they meant nothing to me. This is the first girl ive been with that ive ever truly loved with all my heart. Things have definately been far from perfect, but we've worked hard on our relationship and she says she loves me 100% as well. Im 22, shes 27. Things were fine until she went back to school for another degree. She wants to go out alot more with friends than she used to, which i dont mind at all. but now theres this other guy that seems to have caught her attention. she says that our current issues together have nothing to do with him but i dont think so. Shes been helping him with his problems (hes 19) such as stopping him from becoming an alchoholic, and with school work and stuff. Shes been talking about him constantly and its making me crazy. she says hes "just a friend" but the other day she exchanged a usualy friendly hug with him that ended turning into a wierd sign. they hugged longer than usualy, she tells me, and they didnt fully pull away, but rather looked into eachothers eyes and she said she felt "butterflies" in her stomach before getting away.

This makes me feel so hurt inside, but i keep telling myself shes just confused right now. Her stepdad walked out on her and she has no family other than her mom, she has serious issues with my family. Now shes got this college trip planned to go out of state on a ferry, to go to a job-related conferance. and guess whos going with her? him. she said its for students who are in the program only so it would be dumb for me to go. other people are going, but she is going with him alone and meeting them there, and she is staying an extra day with him there because her "mom doesnt want her driving home at night." She told me she got two rooms that are connected by a door for them, and hes paying for everything, that ****. she told me that he said to her "Ill be just a knock away hehe."Theres also a night club in the hotel, which i told her flat out i dont want her going there. This guy has said to her in text messages (he claims to always be drunk at the time) that if she was in front of him right now he'd bang her so hard etc. etc. hes a big guy with big muscles (steroids imo) and a 2 cent brain.


Ive tried telling her how uncomfortable i am with all this, and she just says oh ur just insecure, i love you. am i? just last week he sends her a cell phone image of his penis. She tells me hes really big but she wouldnt be interested in something that big bc it would hurt too much, plus hes "got too much baggage in his life right now" (he went drunk driving a week ago and hit a pole, so she drove him to school). I tell her she is being disrespectful to me and my love for her by not saying anything about it except "oh, i just thought it was funny how pathetic he is" to me. nothing to him. nothing.

now shes telling me that shes afraid to marry me, definately doesnt want to at this stage, even tho ive already got a ring picked out for her. she doesnt kiss me like she used to, she wont make love to me anymore bc shes afraid of "an accident happening".
I love her so much, i cant function anymore. they are going on this trip next week, and i was hoping to at least take her out this weekend to prove to her how much i love her. and what does she say? oh my frined kim wanted a girls night out. well i said thats BS and we should go out together this weekend, and if they meet us there then fine, but i want to be with her. SO as of right now, we "might" go out tomorow together. Another thing she asked me is if i would be mad if she kissed some guy in a moment of stupidity, would i break up with her? i said yes i would and she says im stupid then, that it would just be a stupid mistake for her to do that.

she says shes jumped from 1 relationship to the next, and now she feels trapped with me, even tho she loves me and says in time we will get married and have children, which is all i really want. I moved here 4 years ago, i have NO friends here but her, i dont want to involve people at work or my family and i have no one to turn to. my heart feels like its going to burst out of my chest. I cant work, sleep, and ive stopped eating healthy as of late.

Im doing my best not to be so weak with her. i said to her, if you cheat on me in any way shape or form, then im leaving you forever. She takes offense to that and she thinks im being way too overbearing and insecure. she also said to me just last night that a priest once told her that its not cheating unless you are engaged or married. She also said that she heard somewhere that should she do something with another guy, she should just do it and not tell me and just get on with her life with me. she says she doesnt agree with what those people said, but then why would she say it to me? Then she says she wont cheat on me, she promised me. then she says shes just so confused right now and hurt about everything thats happened in our past and whats happeneing with her step-dad and she needs me to be strong for her and that she thinks i am probably the one for her.

Im afraid to lose her, but if she cheated on me i know i would leave her for good. better to be single and miserable than in a relationship with a slut, if thats what she is. i just cant figure it out. she says she loves me, wants to "probably" marry me someday, that shes just got alot going on right now and that she needs me to just give her a little space, be ther for her, and all will be well. i dont know what to tell her any more. i am emotionally shot. should i act now, wait till she comes back from out of state, or what? should i tell her its ok to date other people and, if you figure out that you truly do love me, then we can get back together? should i call her a slut and ditch her for good? right now im thinkning i will just let the chips fall where they may, and if she does cheat on me in any way when she goes out of state, Ill call it off and tell her what i think of her. is this a good idea? One last thing, she said to me today on my lunch break that she wishes she wasnt feeling this way right now, she wishes that everything was OK with me and that she could Committ to me, and get these "dumb" thoughts out of her head. im so lost confused.

alkalineangel

She wants you to tell her its ok to cheat if it is beyond her control. That is not healthy. and it is definately unhealthy for her to go with this guy alone when he is sending her such explicit messages. She will find herself in a bad situation with a rape kit involved. I hate to say it, but I think that you are going to have to giver her an ultimatum. She needs to either commit to you or, end the relationship. You cant be drug around on a chain for all eternity because she is unsure of herself, or doesnt seem to want to act like an adult. If you dont you will just have your heart broken anyway...she is looking for an out. Make her see what she will be losing. You cant keep hoping that she is just going to change, or nothing will happen. If she is put in the right situation, something WILL happen and then you both will be hurt. Hope that helps.

tinsign

I think you already know what you must do but i will say it too, She is wasting your life and you are letting her do it, she is nowhere near ready for any relationship much less to say she will be devoted to you.

She has told you basically that she will and is going to have other men, besides just you. Is she really worth all this hurt you are feeling now you can't even trust her from what i read that she would be faithful to you.

she is looking for an out with you but just incase things don't work out with another man she wants to keep you on the side, i don't think you want to be the "leftover dinner" so to speak

jasonovian

Thank you so much for the replys. you are right, it does seem like she wants me to tell her its ok to cheat on me and that ill forgive you if its not your fault or u get raped. Im gonna confront her on that tonight when i get home from work.

As far as her going alone with this guy on the ferry to Connecticut, she has explained to me that the other people are leaving in morning and she cant bc of work, so she (and her mom) feels safer about her going with someone instead of being alone. they ARE meeting people there, and she even showed me the hotel room reservation online and it IS two seperate rooms, and she will have the master key which means he cant get in her room unless she lets him.

to the second reply, you are also right. i have been drug around on a leash by her in cerain things. its just that, i strong in everything except when it comes to her. Im too sensitve sometimes and constantly break down when it comes to her. i wish wasnt so wimpy with her, but i guess love has affected me this way, which i know is unhealthy. its just so dam hard to change especially when u get into the situation with her, however i am going to be very strong with her on this one. she has been acting childish, and shes 27! im only 22 and i can see it. on her website her new tagline is: how can u be old and wise if you have never been young and free? maybe shes a slut, maybe she just wants to go out and live life to its fullest but remain loyal to me i dont know. I will confront her tonight with the question, about her it seems i am just being kept as soemone to fall back on or "leftovers as you put it" and ill let you know what she says. Im gonna tell her im not wanting her to marry me yet, but either commit your heart to me or take a hike. i DO deserve someone to love me as much as i do them. sorry for typing so much, it just feels so good to actually be talking to somone for once about my life with her, i havent for 3 years. And believe me, if she cheats on me im out.

tinsign

It is no trouble for me to read, you type as much as you want about it if it helps you then it is worth it. I have also had my share of heartbreak even as old as i am, in fact one not to long ago but when you know it is not going the way a relationship should go then it is time to call an end to it.

sometimes talking to people you don't know helps more than anything.

jasonovian

well, we did alot of talking over the weekend. I feel much better about the situation, but still not enough whereas i trust her. when i told her i wont be her leftovers, and that she is either 100% commited to me alone (physically + emotionally) or im out, and she reassured me that i was the love of her life, she has not and will not cheat on me in any way. she even said to me that this guy has a pretty ugly face. I really did find myself this week. i have alot more self-esteem than ever, and it has nothing to do with her. If she did cheat on me, i would walk away and realize im better off and that I could do so much better, again if that be the case. I got some advice from someone who said that women tend to be irrational, and that i shouldnt make a big deal out of the little things. He said i should treat her even better when she acts out, and know that she is well-intentioned and loves me. he said if shes really got issues or could care less about you, doing this will make her go away and ur free. if really does love you, she will respect what you did. so, against my better judgement, i brought her a little flower plant on friday night and suprised her with it when she got home. at first she was livid, and told me to leave, but then she says wait a minute just as i was about to go and call it quits with her after 3 years. so i wait, and when she comes back she tells me she doesnt want flowers or for me to try and buy her affection. i told her that i wasnt doing that, i was ust trying to be more like i was in the beginning of the relationship and show her that whatever shes going through in her mind, that i would be there. She stopped being angry and hugged me and said nice things to me, and things seem to be going better now. ive decided to stick with her until at least after this weekend, i told her to do what she wants, but she had better be honest with me, and if she cheats on me in any way, even if it is him that forces it on her, we are done. she knows what he wants, and if she knowingly puts herself in a hotel room alone with him at night then she gets what she deserves. in response to me telling her this, she says to me that why dont we just break up for the weekend that way you wont have to worry so much and i cant hold anything against her, "even tho im not going to do anything anwyay." heres where my lightbulbs go off again. i told her that im not worried, bc if she turns out to be a slut then ill just move on and forget her, but i dont think it will happen.

Another thing i AM woried about, is the club thing thats in the hotel. her stupid classmates are telling her that im trying to put her on a leash and that she cant have fun with friends. The guy himself also told her she should go to the cluba dn "have some fun for once" another of her girlfriends is antagonizing the guy, telling him, "your going out of state with the hottest girl in school, what are u gonna do, wink wink" and "i bet ur looking forward to this weekend huh "..... on her myspace page her girlfriends are saying that "guys are like a video, u want to get rid of them after 3 days."

she tells me these things and says she wants to go to the club, not drink, but she doesnt want to risk giving this guy the wrong impression because 1. she doesnt want a relationship with him and 2. she doesnt want to lose me over this.
I told her not to go to the club, and she says she is thinking about it. I told her she should respect my wishes, and that its not insecurity, rather its me caring for her. so this part of the issue is unresolved. do u think i should tell her flat out, that i dont want her there, or am i just being insecure? i think that if im too strict about her not going there, she will do it because she likes to feel independent and not tied down (she likes to go out and have fun, but she doesnt want to cheat or anything) well, like i said, i told her above all else be honest with me about what happens so i can deal accordingly.

ugh, who would have thought loving someone would be so difficult.

kp2171

no you are not being insecure.

she is being disrespectful. a guy emails a pic of his unit to my gf, id be steamed. and the noise about its not cheating business, where shes trying to rationalize it all... kidding, right??

so her past is bad. that is no reason for her to get away with treating you like this.

i understand the change in mind being back in school. just because someone is in their later 20s doesnt mean they need to be ready to marry.

i dated a girl who, when she went to medical school, decided the freedom was more important that the security of a relationship. pretty much ended the whole deal, though we were probably on the downhill slide anyway.

i want to trust the people im with. i dated a different girl who also liked freedom. when we started dating i didnt think itd be anything more than a little fun. two years later we were still together... but i told her all along that if she wanted to date other guys (shed given me the ok to see other girls, i didnt) to tell me... that she just needed to let me know so id have a choice. well the choice came when i found out shed been sleeping around on me. i gave her an open door... told her thered be no fight, just tell me, and she still tried to hide it.

so.... you just dont have any idea at this point. she could be committed to you but just enjoying attention. she could be pushing out those boundaries.

basically, you in a bad place cause you are just going to have a terrible time trusting her... and shes really not doing you any favors. why the hell did she need a room next to him... not that one cant just go down the hall.

rude and disrespectful.

i disagree about the club. you cant lock her up. her friends will be there. its a trip. she should go. she should be with her friends. but she should also have the self control to not hang on a guy unless shes ready to lose you.

Jiser

I had a simmilar problem with my ex. Wanted the freedom to go clubbing with her single friends (some of who are sluts) and 'have fun' (gather what that is), then again she was younger and some people need that stage of sluttyness, some don't - personally i never felt the need to. I never stopped my ex from going out, when she did though she cheated on me twice and liked to grind with other men. - What a b*tch. Not the case in your situation - but in a way because of these things i had alarm bells going off all over for me, for many months and i became so clingy and dependent on her for my own happiness... it was a bad situation. I lost myself. So point is STAND UP FOR YOURSELF and dont take any sh*t from no one, i made that mistake nd didnt.

Seems to me that she is having 2nd thoughts. So therefore back off and get some sort of life for youself sorted. That is hobbies, sports, new friends etc. If she decides she wants to cheat on you, then well better for you. It will be hard but someone else will one day come into the picture - sometimes when were not even looking.

hmm and i saw you mention you have no friends, well go get some! You can't revolve your whole life around your partner, well i certainly can't or wont in the future.

Wildcat21

I think it's time to find a new girlfriend quite honestly.

No trust.....AND SHE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU!!!!!

I'd get this twisted gal out of your head and find a healthy person

Quite frankly it sounds like she will only give you massive heart ache.

She seems to get pleasure f-ing with your head. Sick.

You seem like a real doormat with her - no woman wants that - it's impossible to correct without breaking up and no contact. Seriously. Then oyu work o noyurself.

Timre for a new girlfriend. A healthy one.

jasonovian

well thing is, if she goes to the club it will be with him by themselves bc the "friends" are leaving friday, and she wont go friday bc she has to be up early the next morning for the seminar (main reason shes going). she would go with him saturday.

i dont care if she goes to a club with friends, but they should be people i at least trust. This guy is a loser from everything ive seen from him (he was my coworker at one time).
Wildcat, i think your right, her actions have shown me little to no respect. She is twisted, her father walked out on her after phsycially and sexually abusing her at the age of 3. her grandmother suffered a terrible death when she was only 13. all she has is her mom. I know she can be a wacko, but it doesnt mean i dont love her and want to help her. I will not be a doormat with her anymore though.

kp21, you are also correct now that i think about it. she is NOT doing me any favors. However, as far as getting a room next to his, originally her mom wanted her to be in same room with her! just in different beds. my g/f has not told her anything about this guy other than good stuff, and he even spoke with her on the phone and my g/f tells me her mom likes him alot. Shes an over-protective mom, but i guess its because her daughter is her world. This guy is even meeting her mom today while im at work, because they felt it was good for her to be able to tell him in person to "take care of her daughter." so here i am at work, wondering is going on. so yes, im in a TERRIBLE place right now. kp, u also said "she could be committed to you but just enjoying attention. she could be pushing out those boundaries." she LOVES attention. she is an actor, and a fitness model, and absolutely loves when anyone makes a fuss over her looks. well, not me so much anymore because i tell her all the time, i guess shes used to it. so maybe this is all just her reaching out for more and more attention from anyone who gives it to her. I just wish i could be a fly on the wall in Connecticut and know whether or not she loves me or is a skank. I asked her point blank last night before i went home, "Do you love me?" of course she says yes. I asked her, are you COMMITTED to me and me alone, and yes again. so, im just gonna be nice to her without letting her abuse my emotions. and if she does anything (ill find out one way or another) in Conn then ill walk. Ill go out and buy that super expensive comic book instead of the engagement ring i was planning on. and ill do it with a smile on my face. If she even gives me some crap like, " oh, i thought he was going to kiss my cheek like friends do but he went for my lips instead and i couldnt get out of the way" ill tell her to take a hike because you knowingly put yourself in the situation, so its your fault. ( do you guys agree? )

one good thing i can say is about myself. i feel as though im ready to break it off with her if need be, without going insane like ive done before. I've been getting back into basketball, and im going paintball this weekend while shes away, and im gonna try and not think of her AT ALL. Im gonna try and make some new friends in this state, other than her as well. Ive truly found my self-confidence again, i think all i needed was to talk to anyone, even random people online. thank you all.