Hi, im in a predicament I thought I would never find myself in and would like your advice on the situation.

Im 21 and have been dating this girl for 4 months, she is also 21. A month ago she told me she was pregnant and it was from a guy that she had a one night stand with she didn’t use protection...
She rang the guy to let him know and he wasn’t bothered at all, she was ok about the situation explaining to me that she doesn’t accept him as a responsible father figure anyway and doesent want to have anything to do with him.
Her mother and father are deeply religious (Christians) and was completely shocked (as your would be) but the father was understandably angry for a few weeks but have come to accept it.

I have told her how I feel about the situation, I have never wanted kids but that doesn’t mean I don’t like them. The thing is if the child was mine I would have no problems, I would support her all the way; but I feel when the baby is born I shall never be as attached to it as I would be if it were mine. Im only 21 still a baby , things where starting to go brilliantly for me; finished my Diploma last year and got a fantastic job that pays well and now this is thrown at me.

I have told my father and mother about the situation and they will support me whatever action I take. The thing is if I was reading this 5 months ago I would have said "Move on man, plenty of fish in the sea" but im very attached to her and in my heart im a big softie and would never want to hurt her.

Thanks for taking the time to read this long post, any advice would help me sleep better than I currently am.

CaptainForest

Move on man, plenty of fish in the sea.

Oh, right, that's what you would have said.


You say you are very attached to her and "in my heart im a big softie" and "would never want to hurt her."

Fist of all, don’t worry about hurting her.

You need to look out for your interests here. Question is do you want to be with someone who is pregnant and therefore, with a kid.

Is she planning on raising the kid herself or giving it up for adoption? I’m guessing abortion is out.

Do you feel comfortable being with her and a kid that’s not yours? Only you would know that. Did she cheat on you or did you 2 have an open relationship?

If you love her, then stay with her. Can you see you 2 getting married? If you are just lusting after her, then I say leave. You are still young.

Anonymous999

Thanks for Replying,
Adoption is out, she would never get it done anyway because of there familys strong religious beliefs.

I did forget to mention she never cheated on me she had a one night stand before we started dating, and she told me as soon as she had been to the doctors before the parents even knew...

Its not lust im after, but love although im far too young to ever truly understand what love really is... Im unsure if I would feel comfortable with the kid or not its so hard to know what to do...

The thing is I dont want to be with her for a few years and the child gets attached to me then I decided iv had enough and move on. It would be devistating for the child for the only true "father" figure the child has know to walk out.

CaptainForest

Well, you are going to have to make a decision. Do you take the risk or not. At most the child will be what, 2 or 3 when/if you leave. I barely remember anything from that age. I don’t think you will scar the child emotionally forever by leaving him/her at that age.

Anonymous999

Good point, I shall stay with her and take each day as it comes as I have been doing I think.

Chery

Depending on how much emotion you've already invested in her, and you accept her truthfulness - you sound like you can handle the situation. There are a lot of children who don't know their biological fathers and will be able to cope as long as they are loved and nurtured. You might not feel 'close' now, but kids can grow on you and you might even love this little one more than you can imagine right now. If not, and you decide to leave eventually, the child will survive the loss after missing you for a while, which would only be natural. Just make sure that you have the right attitude and reason for staying now, or leave. This is new to both of you and if you can bond here, then you just might wind up a happy family after all. Good luck, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

s_cianci

It sounds like you really care for this girl. The big question is are you ready to be a father? If you stay with her, you'll end up raising this child as his/her father and quite soon at that. This girl comes with the requirement that you be prepared to advance into instant fatherhood, just as if she were a single mom to an already-born child. If you don't feel that you're ready for that responsibility right now, then in fairness to all concerned you need to end it with her. On the other hand, if you're ready to be a dad, then go for it.

Fr_Chuck

Has no one addressed the point that she cheated on him ( yea one night stand, who really believes that)

She had unprotected sex and if it was a one night stand that shows very low concern about you, about bringing all sorts of STD into your relationship.

by the way if you have not been tested, do it now.

Sorry if I am sounding so hard and mean about this, but what level of relationship is this. Plus the other man will be part of that babies life most likely, child support latter, maybe he wants visitation, or he may decide he does 5 years from now.
And sorry to disagree but yes alot of emotional bonds at 3 years old, and yes that can effect a child if a love one ( you will be the parent for all he knows) leaves.

You either "BOTH" decide to get counseling and stick it out, or more on now before more harm is done.

fredg

Hi, anonymous,
I have been married now for 28 yrs, and at 63 yrs old, really can't see knowing someone well enough only after 4 months to marry them!
I was first married for 7 yrs, ended in divorce.
As your reply said, I would suggest staying with her, helping her out, but don't get married now. At 21 yrs old, you have some years left to make a decision on who to marry.
It does sound like you care for this girl, but please ask yourself: Is it really caring? or is it more "feeling sorry for her".
The decision is yours, and yours alone. But, please don't marry her right now. Take some time, see what happens. In a year, you might not even feel the same way about her, and she about you.
Happy New Year.

Chery

She didn't cheat on him, this happened before they started dating. To make mistakes is human, remember? I would not suggest marriage yet, but if he in all truthfulness can be serious about his feelings for her, and she reciprocates, they just might have a chance - we all deserve at least one in life..I had a step-dad too and he was better than my mother, so not all can be put into one barrel. Have a Happy New Year!