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    imissher's Avatar
    imissher Posts: 49, Reputation: 6
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    #1

    Feb 29, 2008, 11:35 AM
    My girlfriend LIED about talking to her EX. Why do I feel so jealous. Its killing me
    Hey guys,

    Me and my girlfriend have been going out for about a year now, we're both 21. I'm not the jealous type but I really hate being lied to. So about a month ago, I told my girlfriend that I deleted all of my ex's from facebook/myspace/AIM/MSN/phone, etc... She was happy and said that she would do the same.

    A month later my friend tells me that my girlfriend has been talking to her ex again. My friend told me that they don't talk a lot, but they talk now and then. I recently asked her if she did, and she confidently said "no".

    Why would she lie to me. I hate the fact that she would tell me that she would stop talking to all her ex's and do it. I would have been fine if she told me she would still talk to them, but the fact that she lied to me is killing me right now.

    Why do I feel jealous?
    Why am I feeling hurt?
    I honestly can't focus, and I honestly don't know what to do.
    I got this sick feeling in my stomach.

    Any help would be great.
    Thanks guys.
    HistorianChick's Avatar
    HistorianChick Posts: 2,556, Reputation: 825
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    #2

    Feb 29, 2008, 11:41 AM
    Have you talked to your girlfriend about it since she said "no?" Have you told her that your friend said she was talking with her ex? Are you sure that she really has been?
    imissher's Avatar
    imissher Posts: 49, Reputation: 6
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    #3

    Feb 29, 2008, 11:43 AM
    I'm 100% sure she is because my friend is close with her and they pretty much talk about everything. I don't want to ask her because I would come across as a creep or stalker and truthfully I'm not.

    I'm trying to suck it up, but I can't.
    HistorianChick's Avatar
    HistorianChick Posts: 2,556, Reputation: 825
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    #4

    Feb 29, 2008, 11:58 AM
    Hon, you're not a creep or a stalker, you're her boyfriend. You're hurting, you shouldn't feel bad talking to her.

    The basic components of a successful relationship are trust and communication. You can't have one without the other - nor can you have a good relationship without them.

    This is still fixable though, hon. Talk to her. Tell her your concerns. Tell her that you really want to trust her, but that you don't know how you can get over this. If she really is talking to her ex and feels comfortable chatting with her girlfriend about it while lying to you, there is something wrong.

    I'm sorry and I hope you can get through this.

    Don't feel like you have to "suck it up" because this is a problem for you. It's a problem that needs to be dealt with. Good luck, hon.
    ISneezeFunny's Avatar
    ISneezeFunny Posts: 4,175, Reputation: 821
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    #5

    Feb 29, 2008, 12:17 PM
    Talk to her again. Don't be angry about it, don't accuse her, and don't be condescending. Talk to her as if you're trying to figure out why your friend would say that your girlfriend and her ex are talking when she clearly says that they're not.
    imissher's Avatar
    imissher Posts: 49, Reputation: 6
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    #6

    Feb 29, 2008, 02:31 PM
    Is it normal for me to feel jealous and hurt about her to talking to her ex?

    Or am I just over-thinking things.

    This kills me. Is there anything I can do without putting my friend in between all this mess.
    HistorianChick's Avatar
    HistorianChick Posts: 2,556, Reputation: 825
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    #7

    Feb 29, 2008, 02:39 PM
    Well, your friend was the one that told you about it, so, I think they are already in the middle of it. Basically, its your friend's word against your girlfriend's. For honesty sake, you're going to have to determine who is telling you the story...

    I think it depends upon the nature of the "communication" with an ex. I still talk to an ex of mine from high school - we are great friends because we have a history... I've known him for... wow... 15 years. His girlfriend is another friend from high school. She doesn't mind that he talks to me because we are all friends, we all have that same mutual history.

    Another of my friends absolutely can't stand it when his girlfriend talks to her old exes... it drives him nuts and into a jealous fit.

    Its all based upon your relationship. What works for you is not what works for others... and vice versa. You have to find that "happy balance" for your own relationship.

    First of all, you're going to have to talk to her. As of this point, its hearsay... gossip. Once you establish the fact of who lied to you, then you can take appropriate action.

    I don't really think the real issue here is whether she should contact an ex, but the fact that she may have done it behind your back and lied about it. If she had been upfront and said, "hey, I talked to so and so today. he's doing well." would that have been better? Could you have handled that?

    I'm sorry that you're in this type of situation.
    ISneezeFunny's Avatar
    ISneezeFunny Posts: 4,175, Reputation: 821
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    #8

    Feb 29, 2008, 02:39 PM
    Depends... how long has it been since he's been the ex? You have no idea the contents of their conversation... for all you know, she could be asking him for ideas of what to get you as a gift. It's a bit weird, but I'm just saying... it could be anything.

    Is it normal to feel jealous/upset about it? A little bit. I wouldn't go overboard and let these feelings run me though. If she says that they're not talking, then trust her and believe her. Don't freak out about it, and don't get upset. As I said, it could really be nothing.
    confused25's Avatar
    confused25 Posts: 319, Reputation: 98
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    #9

    Feb 29, 2008, 05:07 PM
    It's normal too feel a little jealous and worried. However, you shouldn't start jumping to conclusions and accusations or you'll make things a lot worse.

    There is nothing wrong with exes talking to one another. In fact, if I had a girlfriend who would not let me talk to an ex I would be pretty angry because I would feel as if she doesn't trust me. There are definitely boundaries that need to be set when your partner is in contact with an ex, but simply talking is nothing to get all worked up about.

    I'm not sure why she lied to you, but it could be because she was afraid how you would react. She shouldn't have lied to you, but try looking at things from her perspective. She might have just panicked and her natural reaction was to deny it ever happened.

    What you have to do now is simple. Talk to her. Communicate your feelings to her and how you feel about the situation. Don't accuse her of anything, but just let her know how you feel about what happened. Communication and trust are key to any relationship... remember that.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #10

    Feb 29, 2008, 05:28 PM
    I don't understand the jealousy, but if you think she lied, I can understand some distrust. I'm wondering why the "so called" friend took it upon herself to divulge the information. They could have talked about something insignificant. Tell her her friend told you she was talking to her ex and you'd like to know why she lied about it, because you are hurt by the lie.
    imissher's Avatar
    imissher Posts: 49, Reputation: 6
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    #11

    Feb 29, 2008, 09:55 PM
    I just found out that she was talking to her ex because I looked at her phone. I feel guilty for looking through her phone, and I feel bad, but I guess I know the truth.

    Now I'm really confused and hurt. She lied to me, and I have no idea why. I would've been a lot better if she just said she did and didn't lie about it.

    I do confess though that I am a jealous type and I don't like her talking to her ex, but I would never ever tell her what to do because I'm not the controlling type.

    Do I confront her knowing that she's been talking to her ex, and confess to looking through her phone?

    Or should I just keep this inside.

    I'm honestly dying inside.

    Thanks for replies by the way.
    I really appreciate it.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #12

    Feb 29, 2008, 10:57 PM
    Well if you keep it inside it will eat at you and affect the way you treat her. You need to just tell her. Open up to and be honest with her the way you are wishing she had done with you
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #13

    Mar 1, 2008, 12:55 PM
    Just me, but I would have no problem expressing myself, and walking away. Just me mind you, but lying is a dealbreaker, as trust is gone. Unless of course, you have made her being truthful, and honest with you mighty hard. If you have, you need to correct that. If not..! You better talk, and be honest, and see what the truth is.
    ISneezeFunny's Avatar
    ISneezeFunny Posts: 4,175, Reputation: 821
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    #14

    Mar 1, 2008, 04:25 PM
    I completely agree with tal. If she's lying, it's obviously not worth it. It's best to walk away now.

    HOWEVER, this is a big however, (I'm playing the devil's advocate)... what if... JUST what if, she wanted to get you something... and decided to talk to her ex to ask him what he thought about the gift she's getting you?

    I only say this because I've done this. My ex from high school and I are now friends... we've been broken up for 3 years. There is NOTHING going on between us.. whatsoever, and every now and then I'll call her for opinions on girls, gifts, etc. again... this is a HUGE what if.

    Quit freaking out. Just talk.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #15

    Mar 1, 2008, 04:28 PM
    Are you sure that she lied to you? Keep in mind that you're hearing all of this second-hand. Stuff like that always has to be taken with a grain of salt. Never listen to or encourage second-hand gossip.
    LearnMore's Avatar
    LearnMore Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Jan 27, 2009, 09:31 AM
    First, I do apologize for my poor English.

    Why do I feel jealous? Ii is very important to understand this feeling. Jealousy, as every emotion has the evolution background. We all feel this emotion. Let me repeat myself : "We all do feel this emotion". It is only question do we care enough to trigger the sensation. What is the purpose of this emotion? It main purpose is to protect relation we have with our partner. The fact is that we all feel it. Our fathers and their fathers felt it long before us. People who didn't felt this emotion died long time ago. This emotion gives you a huge evolutionary advantage. Now, the punch line. Scientific studies show that this emotion is very accurate. In fact, in the most popular study they talked with the people in marriage and couple counseling who have problems with jealousy. They all felt that it is a sort of burden for relationship and that it is a problem. The problem they couldn't do anything about. They just felt it. Now, at the and of the interview they would take aside suspected cheater and ask the question : "Do you cheat on your partner"? People would answer truthfully as they guaranteed discretion. How many people in fact cheated... amazing 90%. Just think about it. The sensation of jealousy is 90% accurate. So, don't fight it. If you feel it, you have the reason to feel it. Trust your emotions.

    Now, the sick feeling in your stomach is probably the adrenaline kicking in. Look, the problem is far more deep and complex. The fact that you checked her phone shows that you are not ready too loose her. It shows that you care probably more then you should. But that is hole new subject.

    What should I do? Tell yourself this : "I don't take the second class behaviour from anyone". Stick to this. Remember this : "Woman loose interest in a man, when she stop respecting him".

    If you confront her you loose, if you don't you loose again. If you choose to confront her, she would probably launch counter attack : "How could you go search my phone". If you choose not to, it will eat you from inside.

    Consider this. Your friend told you about the conversations. To me it means that your friend thinks that it is bad thing to do. I do think the same. Woman are very intuitive, so perhaps she feels that there is more going on. Go meet your friend on coffee and discuss it.

    At the end, we all been there. Man and woman. I study this every day. It hurts me to read all kind of short answers to this complex matter. Notice that I avoided giving direct answer. I don't have enough information to form an opinion. But those things I talk about here are not just my opinions, they are solid proof, tested facts.
    slapshot_oi's Avatar
    slapshot_oi Posts: 1,537, Reputation: 589
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    #17

    Jan 27, 2009, 10:07 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by imissher View Post
    Hey guys,
    I'm not the jealous type but i really hate being lied to.
    Quote Originally Posted by imissher View Post
    I do confess though that i am a jealous type...
    What the hell are you?

    Well if you are the jealous, that's why she lied to you, she knew you'd be upset.

    And LearnMore, jealousy is insecurity. Calling it an emotion doesn't make it a good thing.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #18

    Jan 27, 2009, 11:39 AM

    This post is already a year old
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
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    #19

    Jan 27, 2009, 11:48 AM

    I was thinking the same thing Tal
    slapshot_oi's Avatar
    slapshot_oi Posts: 1,537, Reputation: 589
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    #20

    Jan 27, 2009, 12:47 PM

    That's what moderators and auto-run scripts are for.

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