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My girlfriend ended our relationship because of my children

Asked Aug 2, 2007, 01:30 PM — 76 Answers
We've been dating for 2 years and everything has been going great...we really had no arguments, we've constantly said that we were the best thing that ever happened to each other. I have 3 children, 9 year old girl, 7 year old girl and 6 year old boy. I have joint shared custody and they live with me every other week. The children love my girlfriend. They are, however, very clingy to me and recently as our commitment to each other was growing my girlfriend mentioned that she was afraid that she could not handle being a step-parent, saying she is not a kid person. She has two children herself from 2 previous, marriages: a 19 year old daughter, who recently announced she was pregnant and just got married and moved out of the house and a son 11 who has very little, if any, contact with his father. So she has had a lot of stress on her lately and I understand that and I want to be there for her and help her through these difficult times.
We were having the best of times just at the beginning of July - mid July when we started looking at houses together and dreaming of our future together. (My kids were with their mother during this period). Then my kids came back for their time with me and we went to dinner together with my girlfriend and son and after that I noticed a change with my girlfriend. Her daughters wedding was the coming weekend so she had that on her mind. The day after the wedding I asked her what was bothering her and she mentioned that she didn't think that she could go on in the relationship because she was just annoyed/worried about my kids....they just bother her for some reason, she is a self-proclaimed, not a kid person. We do have slightly different parenting and discipline rituals but that is something that can be planned for and adjusted when we would be living together. Relationships take work and the blended family would take work as well. Anyway, I'm terribly heartbroken and she is still confused but the relationship is over. She ended it just prior to 3 fun events that we had planned, concert, ball game and beach vacation and while my kids would be with their mother, a time when everything would've been great in her world....Why would she end the relationship without trying the blended family approach and work things out or even stay status quo if she loves me so much which she does. How can the best thing that ever happened to two people not happen?

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76 Answers
GlindaofOz's Avatar
GlindaofOz Posts: 2,339, Reputation: 1820
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#2

Aug 2, 2007, 01:35 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by PAMD
Why would she end the relationship without trying the blended family approach and work things out or even stay status quo if she loves me so much which she does.
All the love in the world cannot turn her into a kid person. She probably saw the future and really thought about it and realized she was going to do not only you but your kids a disservice by sticking around.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PAMD
How can the best thing that ever happened to two people not happen?

Not to be cruel but it clearly wasn't the best thing for her.

Would you rather she stayed with you, bought the house and was miserable every other week when the kids were around? She could have also stood up earlier on in the relationship and said I'm not a kid person when she realized you were a package deal. Personally, I'm not a kid person either and I would never date a guy who already has kids. I'm not sure why she thought she could work through it. I think that maybe you should focus all of your love and attention onto your kids and heal. I'm sure there is a wonderful lady out there that will love you and kids equally.
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macksmom's Avatar
macksmom Posts: 1,791, Reputation: 783
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#3

Aug 2, 2007, 01:37 PM
I would definitely say that the situation with her oldest daughter has a lot to do with it. You keep saying she is "not a kid person" well unfortunately any mother has forfeited the right to say that...she has 2 kids, how can she not be a kid person? I think maybe the stress of realizing she is going to be a grandmother is getting to her as well. This is a very stressful time in her life, and she is going through a lot of new adjustments. How long have you been together? I would see if she would be willing to go out to dinner and talk about it....all....your kids, her kids, her soon to be grandbaby. See what is really going on.
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GlindaofOz's Avatar
GlindaofOz Posts: 2,339, Reputation: 1820
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#4

Aug 2, 2007, 01:41 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by macksmom
I would definitely say that the situation with her oldest daughter has a lot to do with it. You keep saying she is "not a kid person" well unfortunately any mother has forfeited the right to say that...on.
I don't really agree with that.

My mom is not a kid person. She says it all the time. She says me and my brother were fine because we were HER kids. She has never been able to stand other peoples kids who are not direct blood relation. I know lots of mothers who are like that.

That may also be the issue here she loves her kids and cannot stand his even if they are angels.
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Tuscany's Avatar
Tuscany Posts: 1,050, Reputation: 1188
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#5

Aug 2, 2007, 01:45 PM
I agree with Glinda. My friend says that she is not a kid person. When she watches her niece and nephew for more than a few hours she has to call me to come over and play interference because she just can't take anymore. She has no children.
However, my mom's mom was not a kid person and she had 4 of her own. She did fine with them, but when it came to grandchildren or other children it was a no go. She never interacted with my sister or myself ever. She loved us, but from afar.
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PAMD's Avatar
PAMD Posts: 31, Reputation: 5
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#6

Aug 2, 2007, 05:47 PM
I appreciate everyone's feedback...I think though with how strong our relationship seemed that with the appropriate blended family planning and expectations that her perceived stress could be mitigated...It's not as if all of a sudden I'm going to drop my kids on her I'm still going to be very active. Living together would also reduce a number of other stresses that was wearing on her...she was always self-employed and recently went to an 8-5 job and hates it...she has several rental properties that are requiring her attention and she needs to spend time with her 11 year old son who was finally diagnosed with ADD....I think she feels out of control and the only thing she can directly control was our relationship...
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GlindaofOz's Avatar
GlindaofOz Posts: 2,339, Reputation: 1820
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#7

Aug 2, 2007, 05:48 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by PAMD
I appreciate everyone's feedback...I think though with how strong our relationship seemed that with the appropriate blended family planning and expectations that her perceived stress could be mitigated...It's not as if all of a sudden I'm going to drop my kids on her I'm still going to be very active. Living together would also reduce a number of other stresses that was wearing on her...she was always self-employed and recently went to an 8-5 job and hates it...she has several rental properties that are requiring her attention and she needs to spend time with her 11 year old son who was finally diagnosed with ADD....I think she feels out of control and the only thing she can directly control was our relationship...
If that is the case I would just give her space and time. She may sort of "unwind" herself in a month or so and realize she made a mistake. In the meantime have a good time with what I'm sure are cute kids and enjoy your life.
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PAMD's Avatar
PAMD Posts: 31, Reputation: 5
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#8

Aug 2, 2007, 05:59 PM
My kids are wonderful and I'm really trying....but I'm so on edge right now it's hard for me to enjoy the kids.....and I'm left thinking, and it scares me, that if I didn't fight for the kids jointly that I would still be with the most wonderful, supportive, caring women that I have ever met.....
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GlindaofOz's Avatar
GlindaofOz Posts: 2,339, Reputation: 1820
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#9

Aug 2, 2007, 06:01 PM
Yeah but they are your kids. Is a women worth more then them? You are just hurting now.
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PAMD's Avatar
PAMD Posts: 31, Reputation: 5
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#10

Aug 2, 2007, 06:07 PM
Absolutely hurting and absolutely not worth it...

Her birthday is at the end of the month....is it inappropriate to send a card?
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