my girlfriend ended our relationship because of my children

PAMD · Aug 2, 2007, 12:30 PM

We've been dating for 2 years and everything has been going great...we really had no arguments, we've constantly said that we were the best thing that ever happened to each other. I have 3 children, 9 year old girl, 7 year old girl and 6 year old boy. I have joint shared custody and they live with me every other week. The children love my girlfriend. They are, however, very clingy to me and recently as our commitment to each other was growing my girlfriend mentioned that she was afraid that she could not handle being a step-parent, saying she is not a kid person. She has two children herself from 2 previous, marriages: a 19 year old daughter, who recently announced she was pregnant and just got married and moved out of the house and a son 11 who has very little, if any, contact with his father. So she has had a lot of stress on her lately and I understand that and I want to be there for her and help her through these difficult times.
We were having the best of times just at the beginning of July - mid July when we started looking at houses together and dreaming of our future together. (My kids were with their mother during this period). Then my kids came back for their time with me and we went to dinner together with my girlfriend and son and after that I noticed a change with my girlfriend. Her daughters wedding was the coming weekend so she had that on her mind. The day after the wedding I asked her what was bothering her and she mentioned that she didn't think that she could go on in the relationship because she was just annoyed/worried about my kids....they just bother her for some reason, she is a self-proclaimed, not a kid person. We do have slightly different parenting and discipline rituals but that is something that can be planned for and adjusted when we would be living together. Relationships take work and the blended family would take work as well. Anyway, I'm terribly heartbroken and she is still confused but the relationship is over. She ended it just prior to 3 fun events that we had planned, concert, ball game and beach vacation and while my kids would be with their mother, a time when everything would've been great in her world....Why would she end the relationship without trying the blended family approach and work things out or even stay status quo if she loves me so much which she does. How can the best thing that ever happened to two people not happen?

LEILA007 · Sep 19, 2007, 08:38 AM

i think the fact that u stated a few times she is not a kid person should be the alarm. maybe 4 kids for her is too overwelming espeically 3 that are not hers. i would be very cautious as to puttin this back 2-gether. your children are ur #1 concern. " accept my children the way u accept me for my children are a part of my being" jtrsj.. i think for the sake of ur kids u should let this go by.. i guy like u woman look for. she is there somewere.

PAMD · Sep 19, 2007, 09:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash123

It's been a month and a half...That is only a small step in healing time.

You are in the "main pain" stage.

If you can accept that you all may not be soulmates, a call to her might relieve some pain-temporarily. Get some closure I would hope....maybe meet for coffee and the final goodbye. I do not see a future here. But I do see a spiral....If you cannot hold to the NC 3 month starter plan - then: 1) get therapy 2) get a vacation 3) get a conversation.

but rememeber - she does not want this relationship. if you need to straighten something out so be it....she cares for you, but feels guilty because she cannot be everything. and she never will be - so don't make her try....maybe you all can be supportive friends one day - i think she could do that.

hang in here PAMD

I don't think that I can accept that we may not be soulmates....I think my mind is wondering way too much because I never did get closure...just that her "dating relationship" idea wouldn't work and we haven't spoken since....seems a bit late to ask for a closure meeting, anyway I think meeting her I would probably crack and perhaps get false hope and not address the situation properly and spiral further...NC probably is the best stance for many various reasons but it is incredibly hard!

PAMD · Sep 19, 2007, 01:37 PM

i Wish I Could Nc My Thoughts/feelings/mind.....

PAMD · Oct 4, 2007, 07:48 AM

Well, after 2 months of a break (I know it's not long, but it seems forever) and over 50 days NC...Curiosity got the best of me and after several therapy sessions, I just had a BIG need to UNDERSTAND why.
It started when I saw her son Saturday afternoon walking his bike through town...since he was walking the bike I stopped and asked if he could use any help. It turned into a nice 5 minute conversation about Boy Scouts, school, friends etc nothing about his mother...other than tell her hi.
It was the first time I had any real "contact" or connection with her since NC....and I thought I was at a good place, so I sent her an e-mail saying I saw her son and I was happy to see him adjusting so well to the new school, activities and how responsible he was acting and that it really warmed my heart...and I left it just at that.
She replied to the e-mail rather promptly with a "Hi Back!" and said yes her son told her that he saw me and that he has been doing well and a few details about that. She then told me about her plans for the coming weekend kinda out of nowhere and then ended I'm sure you're also keeping busy since it's soccer season! I hope you and the kids are all doing well!
I thought an odd ending since she's not a kid person....so I e-mailed back and told her my honest thoughts....that it's been a roller coaster past few months and I have been very busy but I still think about her often. I really was conflicted about sending the first e-mail because it brought back so many memories and that time has helped me cope, little by little, (if not understand) and I missed talking to her and I hope she is happy. Then I asked a few questions about her life...nothing personal just everyday conversation.
She responded the following day, apologizing for the delay....I guess as to not hurt my feelings. The response was rather straight forward answering the questions that I asked and did put some emotion into it with smiley's and I could just sense it too. She has been keeping herself incredibly busy and by Wed night she finds herself overwhelmed and tired...(I've heard that before in regards to our relationship) It was revealing in one answer when she mentioned that she just wants to concentrate on her son...and that being away a few evenings wouldn't help that.
So, all my feelings came rushing back....I wanted to hug her, console her, comfort her, help her not feel overwhelmed....just like the old days. So I emailed her back and told her that and I thought I could have "friendly conversation" but obviously not. And not to be dramatic, but I have to let time do some healing again and that it was great catching up with her. Wished her and her kids the best and bye.
But I still needed to understand... So I called her and it turned out that she really doesn't understand...she wanted to move in, but not move in and if we don't move in, how long does that last, she was annoyed about the kids and that was really it, but she can't understand it herself. I think something in her past has to have her severely scarred. Then she mentioned something negative about me and that I'm intelligent but lack wisdom and made an incredible stretch with that example... I said there are always going to be things that may bother you about the other person, but all the good certainly outweighs the bad. I feel like she thinks she doesn't deserve a respectful, honest, open relationship...and that counselling would be good for her and us if she ever chose to overcome the annoyances and that as my kids grow and mature, those annoyances will go away...Her thoughts were very short-sighted and almost scared and that probably justifies the abruptness of it all. Funny how she just seems to skip or not express all the drama in her life and focuses on the minor drama/annoyances of mine....
Well that's an incredibly long story, but having a little understanding, (that there is no understanding on her part) I feel renewed in my NC and feel like I can move on again and not look back!!!

Homegirl 50 · Oct 4, 2007, 08:05 AM

Good for you.



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