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my girlfriend ended our relationship because of my children
We've been dating for 2 years and everything has been going great...we really had no arguments, we've constantly said that we were the best thing that ever happened to each other. I have 3 children, 9 year old girl, 7 year old girl and 6 year old boy. I have joint shared custody and they live with me every other week. The children love my girlfriend. They are, however, very clingy to me and recently as our commitment to each other was growing my girlfriend mentioned that she was afraid that she could not handle being a step-parent, saying she is not a kid person. She has two children herself from 2 previous, marriages: a 19 year old daughter, who recently announced she was pregnant and just got married and moved out of the house and a son 11 who has very little, if any, contact with his father. So she has had a lot of stress on her lately and I understand that and I want to be there for her and help her through these difficult times.
We were having the best of times just at the beginning of July - mid July when we started looking at houses together and dreaming of our future together. (My kids were with their mother during this period). Then my kids came back for their time with me and we went to dinner together with my girlfriend and son and after that I noticed a change with my girlfriend. Her daughters wedding was the coming weekend so she had that on her mind. The day after the wedding I asked her what was bothering her and she mentioned that she didn't think that she could go on in the relationship because she was just annoyed/worried about my kids....they just bother her for some reason, she is a self-proclaimed, not a kid person. We do have slightly different parenting and discipline rituals but that is something that can be planned for and adjusted when we would be living together. Relationships take work and the blended family would take work as well. Anyway, I'm terribly heartbroken and she is still confused but the relationship is over. She ended it just prior to 3 fun events that we had planned, concert, ball game and beach vacation and while my kids would be with their mother, a time when everything would've been great in her world....Why would she end the relationship without trying the blended family approach and work things out or even stay status quo if she loves me so much which she does. How can the best thing that ever happened to two people not happen?
I do appreciate the honesty...I just don't know why it took 2 years for it to be an issue? Is it wrong for me to ask her about blended family counselling? I know it would be a challenge, but with so much of our lives to live after the children I think it would have been a wise investment. I also think she "thought" too much and did not follow her heart. She would have not been alone in the transition....the kids would adjust as well and with agreed guidelines and expectations I think that the stress could've been mitigated and hopefully wonderful bonds formed.
In a national survey of couples in stepfamilies we found that the top three anticipated stumbling blocks for couples related to children and stepfamily stress. 78% of couples expected difficulties dealing with stepfamily issues, 75% expected children to put a strain on their marriage, and 72% believed creating a stepfamily would stress their marriage (Deal & Olson, The Couple Checkup for Stepfamilies, unpublished manuscript).
They were right! On average, couples in stepfamilies have three times the amount of stress of couples in first marriages during the first few years (see Hetherington, For Better for For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, 2002, p. 165).
Is there any good news? Yes. With time stress levels for couples in stepfamilies can fall to normal levels found in first marriages. Press on!
I would not send a birthday card.
Choose another time/place.
This issue comes up a lot. NOT sending a card is NOT mean if you were broken up with.
It is the only card (literally) you have to play to make your presence felt and not use emotion as your angle.....
She could have said earlier on she was ont a kid person I am not eith but i accepted my ec x bf kid as part of OUR life even althought they were mostly grown up for me I could NEVER be with a guy who had kids and didnt bother about them deadbeat dads just dontdo it for me kid should be your life if you have them its justi choose not to. I accept other peoples kids as we all have a history as well as a future.It sounds as if she has a lot of her own stuff going on but whe u are part of a couple she should be able t share these problems with u.It would seem that perhaps she is too caught upin her own situation to consider u at the moment and it may be she feels that it better if she focues on herself and leaves you to focus on your kids.I hope u get it sorted i dont think it would hurt to send a crd but remember this is a woman who let u and ur kids get attached to her for two yearsthen upped and left not thinkibng how it would affect ur kids so do u still really wanna send it take care hope it work out
What a situation! She feels one way and you another. There are no rights or wrongs but you both are at different places right now. Send her a simple card for her Bday, but otherwise let her have plenty of time and space to deal with her personal issues with no pressure from you at all. Your a Dad so put your time into you and your family, and respect the exes feelings. You may not understand, but you can let her do what she feels nessecary.
My gosh I'm trying and trying....I just miss her sooo much, I mean not only was she my girlfriend but my BEST friend...I NEED to see her, talk to her, BE with her...It hurts so bad!!! I've been so close to calling her today and see if we could talk, I can't believe I have held out so long!!! I want to give her space and try no contact...I know she is just as confused and probably hurt as much as I am and her son just left for a weeks camping trip with her parents so it is gonna be just herself and her thoughts for the week and I don't want to influence or smother or take away from some of the feelings she may be having...She did leave that open ended e-mail saying we can have the questions that I have answered... We tried a lunch several days ago, but she was booked and she asked what I was doing that evening...I let her know, but haven't heard back for 3 days now...Should I let her contact me? I will be sooo devastated after this coming week of her alone time if I don't hear from her.....
Pamd stop thinking for her and trying to figure out what she is doing, why and how. You are driving yourself nuts. You sound like such a nice guy. You do not deserve to be in this kind of pain. Go on with your life doing things that make you happy. You will find the right person someday. She was honest with you about how she feels about the kids, to bad she did not let you know in the beginning. I feel for you but I think it is in your childrens and your best interest to just let it go. I am sure that you do not want to hear this, but that is my opinion. I wish you well.
I'm doing pretty ok today, coming to terms with the breakup....I'm just confused though because the last time I spoke to her (when I returned her son's bike and tickets to the concert) she said she was still sorta confused....It seems like such a prime opportunity to discuss further and see if it is workable...she said before she could she us happily together forever...How can I get closure with this uncertainty? I want to respect her time and space but the uncertainty is driving me nuts (not as much as before)...Now I just read HurtnConfuseds post and I'm wishy-washy on the card thing...I want her to know that I care and am here for her but as the breakee is it more advantagous to not send a card and maybe she remembers what she's missing (her birthday is 3 weeks away, she probably will be well on her way to healing and barely think of me) or to jog her memory with a nice card (which is more my personality)???
Getting better....but still want her back because I know we can work through this!!!
Respect her request.
Respect yourself.
You have 3 kids....She has to understand and feel if your loss will wake her up to the
entire package.
If you love her, leave her alone.
If she loves you she will appreciate it.
There will be a day - when heads are cooler and more objective - to talk.
Angling for control and persuasion will not strengthen your hand....Tell yourself
you WILL find the right time, or she will, so you can breathe. But don't worry
about manipulating her with cards and calls....She will respect you more if
you let her think - as tough as that is....
Oh No!!!! I hope I didn't screw up!!!! FYI...I own a beer distributing company and we had a promotion tonight...so my inhibitions were lowered a bit and I called my ex....I was nice and cordial and really wanted to just hear her voice I miss her so much!!!!!...she didn't answer as it was pretty late...I hope I didn't ruin anything...I just asked how she was doing and I hope that everything was well.....early on in our relationship there was an aquaintance of hers that used to call at awkward times and I said I hope I'm not turning into him (my attempt at humor) Please tell me everything will be OK???
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