Hi there everybody.


After reading absolutely LOADS of stuff about breaks-up's, breaks and relationship troubles in general I have finally decided that I need some advice for my personal situation.

First let me get some vital stats out of the way:


Relationship is 3.5 years long

I am 26

She is 26




OK, so I feel like a bit of background is totally necessary before I get to the problem I find myself in because my situation is quite unique.

I am an English guy that moved with his mother to a Greek island about 6 years ago. I moved back to England on my own for 2 years but eventually came back because I ran in to some problems with a party atmosphere that was fuelled with party drugs and alcohol. I was surrounded by the wrong people and my life was going nowhere quickly so I returned to Greece to try and get myself sorted out and looking towards the future with a positive attitude.

I always had the intention of going back to England to continue my life and this was a mistake because while I have been in Greece I have always felt like I was "waiting" to go back so never put the real effort needed to make something of my life here. This included failing to learn the language. It is VERY hard to learn Greek but I could have done it had I put my mind to it.

I work online doing internet marketing which is very hit and miss and I have struggled with money for a long time now.

I met my current girlfriend in 2007 and we immediately hit it off. She is a Greek girl who speaks perfect English and who is studying medicine. She has been my first proper relationship and I totally adore her. She has done EVERYTHING for me and tried so, so hard to make my life better here in Greece. I suffer from Aspergers syndrome and I get very anxious and paranoid in certain situations and am not an easy person to have a relationship with. She is an amazing person and was intensely in love with me in the beginning both physically and emotionally.

I have always been a very kind a loving person and me and my girlfriend have an incredible emotional bond and even though it may sound cheesy we really are each others best friend.

Unfortunately I have to be brutally honest about my shortcomings in this relationship and I know that I am responsible for what is happening to me now. I never had any money and this has been a strain. My girlfriend doesn't care that I'm not rich but when I can't take her even on a 3 day mini holiday and pay even my own way nobody can be blamed for getting upset about it. She has bought me clothes and Greek books in a bid to help me learn the language which I have procrastinated and shirked my responsibility for time and time again. She has put in WAY more effort for this relationship than I have and I feel deeply ashamed about it now. I know I have not been a good boyfriend in many ways but please don't think I have been all bad. I haven't but there is no excuse for my lack of effort and I can't come up with a good reason for why I haven't tried enough.

We both had a plan to return to England. She is finishing her degree in medicine and wants to move there to pursue a career since prospects are better for her there and they are here. This was always the plan and we intended to move in together and try to live a life together for the long term. We have even talked about kids and marriage.


We have had a lot of fights over the years because we are both passionate and intellectual people with a LOT to say but have always managed to come out the other side until recently.


She had to go to Athens (which is a 3 hour boat ride from our island) to do some exams. This is a regular thing and I have gone with her sometimes since she has a small house there that used to belong to her grandmother before she passed away. This time she went on her own and told me she might be staying a bit longer because she needs some time to think and intended to go on a two day trip with some of her girlfriends.


Fast forward a week and I phone her in the early morning (we're both night owls) and she is crying and tells me that she has cheated on me with another guy. I am understandably shocked and full of anger and I shout and scream and hang up telling her I never want to see her again.


The next day once I have calmed down (my natural state is to be calm I am rarely angry for long) I phone her back still very upset and start asking her a million questions. Why did she do this, who is he etc etc etc...

She tells me she is deeply sorry for what has happened and tells me that she is very confused and has been tired of waiting for me to do anything with my life and it pushed her over the edge. She tells me she never planned for it to happen and she only phoned him to go to the cinema but it was raining they went back to his place for a drink and one thing led to another. She doesn't even know him that well. She's only met him once before through a mutual friend. I don't know him at all.

She tells me she is still very confused and while she is sorry she can't come back right now and that she is still going to go with her girlfriends on their little trip to a village for two days and then will come back so we can try and sort things out.

The two days pass and I phone her a few times but nothing more is really said. She eventually comes back and we go out for coffee and we talk for hours. She is very reluctant to tell me much about the guy because she thinks it doesn't matter but eventually I find out that he is a 32 year old guy who is very successful and works for an oil company. It quickly becomes clear that this guy has a LOT going for him. He even owns a small boat and he is on the up and up and basically the opposite of me who is dirt poor and without any real prospects in life.


It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realise why a girl would be attracted to such a man after dealing with someone like me for so long. She then utters the infamous line that she loves me deeply but she doesn't know if she is IN love with me any more. After pushing her a LOT which I shouldn't have done I ask her repeatedly if he was better in bed with me.(I know how stupid this is) she says there is no way she could compare us and that she doesn't know who is better. She avoided the question really which I can't blame her for but she did say that she had lost the spark for us not because she wasn't attracted to me physically but because of all the baggage that comes with me it has made her lose the passion. I will add right now that she is a VERY honest person almost to a fault. She was the one who told me immediately after the affair what had happened and for that reason and many others I really do take her at face value. It's then that she comes clean with the fact that she had sex with him one more time before she came back.

After she came back with her friends from their little trip she told me that she had been thinking about him the entire weekend and it was driving her mad because she wanted to know why it had happened. I had spoken to her that day over the phone (obviously very upset still and wanting her to hurry and come back) and she told me she was going to the cinema on her own over the phone.

I phoned her maybe 100+ times on both of her mobiles (she has two for some reason) from about 1AM to 3AM I phone and phone and she never answers. Yes I know that this is bad behaviour on my part but I was convinced she was doing something with him again. This time my instincts were right. I am going absolutely postal and tearing my hair out and when she eventually picks up the phone at 3:30 she tells me that she fell asleep and that she had put her phones on silent because she was in the cinema.

Fast forward to her and me talking over coffee for the first time since this has all happened and she admits that she lied about that and she really was with him but she says again that she didn't want to have sex she just wanted to see him and see if there was anything there. I get angry at this point telling her that she was basically having sex with another guy even after she had come clean about the first time and that she still didn't care and that I was hurting and suffering and was basically using me as an emotional safety net in case things didn't work out. She admits to being selfish and is visibly upset about the whole thing.


I obviously ask her the pertinent question that since this has happened you might as well tell me what conclusions she came to. She told me that she liked him but didn't love him and when she heard her phone vibrating in her bag she was filled with guilt and got a taxi and left straight away. A small comfort really. I push her to tell me WHY she decided so suddenly that this wasn't the guy for her. She had obviously enjoyed sex with him the first time and he obviously had done something right for her to be thinking about him all weekend enough to go back and see him but all I got out of her is that she doesn't love him and hearing the phone and knowing it was me trying to contact her while she was doing that made her feel sick and want to leave. I have to admit I am not totally satisfied with that as a reason.


OK,. IF YOU ARE STILL READING I THANK YOU SO MUCH. I know this is really long and I'm trying not to drag it out but I really feel that I can't get good advice unless I make the whole situation crystal clear and don't leave anything out. THANK YOU AGAIN.



That conversation was about 8-9 days ago. I told her that I was DEEPLY hurt and very upset about what had happened. She told me that she was just looking for a moment of happiness that didn't come attached to a bag full of problems and that she had grown jaded and tired over waiting for me to change the fundamental things I should have. I totally accepted that I have some serious problems that I need to deal with in my life and I also accepted and apologised for being such a crap boyfriend and that I had taken her for granted.


I am very upset with what happened but I can't be totally angry with her. I WANT to be angry. It's a lot easier but this girl gave me EVERYTHING for 3 years and I never gave her enough back in return. She should never have betrayed me like she did and she is very sorry for hurting me but I have to accept that this almost certainly would never have happened if I hadn't pushed her relentlessly to this point. I invented the gun. Then built the gun. Then loaded the gun. Then pointed it at my own head and she finally pulled the trigger after pleading with me not to even start work on the gun. It's a lousy analogy but I hope it conveys the meaning I want to get across.


We both decided that we BOTH wanted to try and save the relationship and were not ready to give up on it. She made it VERY clear that she could not stay with me unless I start making the changes needed in my life. These are things that I should be doing anyway whether I'm in a relationship or not so I can't begrudge her for that although It felt really hard listening to her telling me once again to change (WHICH I READILY ACCEPT AND REALLY AM GOING TO TAKE SERIOUSLY) after what she had done.

So, we went to work on saving the relationship. She told me that the lust for me isn't there right now but she wants it to return and is pinning her hopes on me changing and those feelings returning. She was also very candid that she couldn't promise me if those feelings ever would return for me which felt like being stabbed I can tell you but really she can't tell me that and while her honesty is part of the reason I love her so much it's very hard to listen to in situations like this.

She slept at my house every day for a week. We had no erotic contact WHATSOEVER during this period but we hugged and I cried and she cried and we talked a LOT. For hours and hours. We sat in bed and I asked her 1000 questions. Right now I'm not sure this was a very good idea and she found it very uncomfortable telling me the things I NEEDED to hear. I asked her whether he was better than me again and she skirted the issue and said there was no way of comparing. I'm just glad I stopped short of asking her if he was bigger than me because I probably wouldn't like the answer. I asked her again if she had feelings for him and she said she wasn't in love with him. I asked if she would consider going out with him and having a relationship and she said that she couldn't deny that it could happen with him if she wasn't with me. She made it clear that he could have been any guy and the situation would be the same but I am not 100% sure this is the truth. For now I've got to accept it.



Anyway... I feel that the questions didn't really help. I could sense that I was walking a line between discussion and interrogation and it was not helping so I made a conscious decision to stop and told her that I will not be asking a million questions any more and that I would wait for her to tell me anything that she thought I should know. She said that she has told me everything and that there is nothing else going on. She made it clear that the second time she saw him she put a bookmark at the end of the mini affair and that it was over. Again, I'm not 100% sure that's true but I have no choice but to accept it.



We went swimming together, went to the theatre, went to dinner and she kept sleeping with me (next to me I mean) but the other day we had an argument and I guess it was inevitable but after being so grown up and mature about the whole thing we both shouted at each other and said things we wish we hadn't. The next day we made up and she kissed me before going to work and told me again that she loved me and all we could do is wait and see and try for the relationship.



I am DEVASTATED by this whole thing. I cannot get it out of my mind that another guy has touched her in that way. I am obsessed with thoughts that he is "bigger" and better than me (in every way) I find myself constantly haunted by the thought that the sex was so much better with him and whether they did things together that we don't do and it is KILLING ME.


I KNOW how self destructive this is and that I should do everything in my power to block these thoughts but I can't. It's so difficult. I want her back so damn much and while we haven't "TECHNICALLY" broken up I told her yesterday that spending all this time together isn't really working so far that well and that I need some time to myself for a while.


She agreed and we haven't spoken since. She slept at her family house last night. I am going MAD. I said I wanted "space" but this is a lie. All I really want is to spend every single second with her and smother her and profess my undying love for her and PERSUADE her to love me in a sexual way again.

These feelings are overwhelming. I can't sleep and I can't eat and I am utterly dejected and miserable but I also know that none of these things will work and are not attractive. I want to be desirable to her again but I don't know how to compete with someone who has an effing boat even though I KNOW that this doesn't matter to her and that it's other things. It matters to me though. I want to give her the world and I can't.


How can I be desirable when I am so upset? And while this has been a MAJOR kick in the to get my life back together how can I make the first steps when I am so depressed? It's like a vicious circle.

After reading a LOT about the No Contact Rule I decided it was worth a shot and I know it's going to be super hard (it's been one day and I am falling apart) but I don't know what to do. Maybe me not hanging on to her all the time will make me more desirable and stronger in her eyes. I can only hope. I know the cheating is a symptom and not the cause of all of this but it's so hard to get over. I don't know if he is still contacting her and if there is still something there. Will no contact make her think that she is better off without me once the emotions have stopped being so painful? (she is deeply upset as well of course)

I don't want to lose her. I simply can't. I need help badly. I need some advice. I don't really have any friends to hang out with and I can't talk to ANYBODY except her about all of this and that is what has driven me to write all this.


I need some solid advice for winning her heart back. I know deep down I have to become desirable again but I don't know how. She loves me deeply, of this I am CERTAIN. But the lust and eroticism in a relationship are vital and I obviously didn't give it to her and she finally after being pushed so far found it with another man. I am not a jealous person. Never have been in my life. I am not the sort of guy who constantly keeps tabs on her. I value her freedom and would never try and put her in a box but now I am feeling intense jealously and inadequacy mostly of my own doing. I have screwed up big time.

I am not condoning what she did because it is never right but I can not pretend to be blameless either. I am so lost and don't know what to do. She is my life and I love her so much. Please give me some advice on what to do? I really want to see her but don't know if it's the right thing to do? Is No Contact good in this situation?

How do I stop obsessing over this guy? How to I become desirable when my situation prohibits many things right now? Please help me and thank you kindly in advance. :confused:

I think you could have condensed your post and just gotten down the most important parts. You have to get a grip and these things happen, she said there was nothing to it and it was over and you have to believe that and stop obssessing. You both need a break from each and that do the world of good.

Tick

There is probably nothing you can do.
Continue NC. I'm thinking your relationship with her has run it's course. Get out, meet people, learn the language, get busy doing things.

I just hope anyone replying won't press the 'quote user' option !

It might sound harsh (sorry!) but this is what I think after reading your story..

First of all, you need to calm down and stop being obsessed with this girl and the other guy.. there are a lot of reasons why she cheated, but it didn't matter.. the relationship is probably has ran it's course like what homegirl said and it is time to get out there and "smell the fresh air"...

I might be wrong but sounds like she is your only "friend" you hang out with in Greece for the pass few yrs, now she is not around so it is like the end of the world to you because you have been so attached to her in every way... it is very hard for you right now for not having contact with her is probably the best way to make you feel better... believe me seeing her is just going to make you feel even more miserable (happy the moment you see her, but the moment she is out of your sight you fall right back into misery again)... to me she apparently is hanging on to you while trying to explore "options" with another guy.. it doesn't have to be this guy who seems to have everything and whatsoever.. it can be someone else... this girl seems like a very good catch with a whole lot of opportunities in front of her (being a med student and what not) maybe this is one of the reason why you are addicted to her..

I know its easier said than done but really, you have to get yourself together and start thinking about how to build up yourself.. and when you get to that you will get the confidence then everything is going to fall in its place.. the heartache is going to go away, it is just the matter of time.. no one can really help you but yourself... and you need to take the first step to get yourself out there.. its OK to have some time to grief.. but just don't buried yourself into this for too long.. good luck... :)

OK so you're on NC well that means no contact whatsoever, and I also feel this relationship has run its course, you're not going to be told anything more about her involvement with this man.

You say you procrastinated and haven't done the things you returned to greece for, so make a start on them now, you're still not attempting to improve yourself and whilst you don't you'll end up going no where, you can't live off another person for an indefinate time span, go out get a job learn the language, earn her respect and get some self respect at same time.

I think this relationship is over though.

You obviously didn't work at the relationship and did as many others have done you took it for granted, any woman wants a man who is strong and dependable.

Apart from anything else she cheated on you what's to say she won't do so again..

Stay No Contact, until you are not obsessed, build a life without her, and read the stickies.

Rule number one when you are the dumpee or the one cheated on:

DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.

Right there, in the middle of your story, you started to list your faults. So what? I'm pretty darn sure she's not perfect, although right now, to you, she seems like it. Do this instead. Write down your faults (you already have above), then put it away where you won't look at it for a few months. Now, don't blame yourself for anything. She cheated on you because SHE wanted to, nothing that has to do with you. Please, even Halle Berry's husband cheated on her, which is a crying shame. You could have been the most perfect guy in the world, and if the opportunity presented itself, she would have cheated regardless.

Now, the reason I told you to at least list your faults is that in a few months, when you are over the hurt and the pain, I want you to look at the list and go through the list to see if you still agree with these faults. Some you may, some you may not; regardless, when you are over the hurt, fix these things you want to fix about yourself, and you'll be a better person for it.

Keep your head up buddy, I know how you feel, and it sucks, but eventually, I promise, things do get better.