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Girlfriend broke off relationship because she "has never been single"
I began dating a divorcee about a year and a half ago. She was coming off some unusual circumstances. Her boyfriend had contracted cancer when they were dating - and she left nursing school to be at his side until he came back to health. He lived. They got married. They had children and later he cheated on her. He is collecting a trust fund in a year or so. She did not return to nursing school - until now - post divorce. She was married 15 years and has twins, and still maintains close ties to the Ex "for the kids". I was the first man she ever "connected" with (her father was a violent alcoholic, and her husband worked nights and went away on the weekends). I was brought in slowly to meet the kids - and then only as a friend. It was a challenging but steady course and she is beautiful and strong....or at least she was. In the last 3 months she has begun to say that she has always been Somebody's and has never been single. In her already full schedule of parenting and school and fitting in me, she has added teaching fitness classes. Her solution: remove me. She says she would resent me if i didn't let her be single now. The divorce is in many ways still fresh for her...Her Ex is on his 3rd girlfriend and she is still dealing with schedules for custody and child care costs. She broke up with me before the holidays but was so sad she could not (nor could I) make it stick more than a week. Now she is more resolute. It has been a few weeks and we have not communicated in any way. I have granted her this - she says she does not want to feel guilty about not having me on her schedule if she wants to do these things: watch girl movies, hang with friends -including lesbian friends, drink coffee, wine, and sleep in...etc...sort of a self-indulgent/no cares fantasy...amid the days her husband has the kids i guess.
We kissed. Shed a few tears. I gave her the present for her birthday that was in my car and she headed off to school and fitness classes and the girls.
I do miss her.
And wonder if single life may beat all else after 15 years of marriage -
even if she finally "connected with a man who did not let her down".
I was quite surprised to see your post. Reason being I thought you were possibly the guy I just broke it off with (until I read it completely) I dont know how to explain it, but I understand where she is coming from. I am going to assume that she is in her 30's because I believe that is when we start to feel this way. We feel the need to be independant and not have the need to "count" on someone even though all you want is to be there for her. The idea of not having to answer to someone for anything, like when she just wants to be alone, or sleep in etc, this is a very nice feeling. I had the very same realization, the guy I was dating was wonderful! Always there for me, good with my kids, respectful towards me, but it wasnt what I needed. I needed to know that after always being "someone" that I could do it on my own. I have never been single, I met my sons father when I was 14 and married him at 19. We divorced and since then I have always been someones girlfriend. Sometimes we need to know what it feels like to just be "me". Not affiliated or attached to someone. Does that make any sense to you?
She got selfish and you got the crap end of the stick, buddy. People, even good people, tend to focus on themselves first and foremost. It's not personal. She just likes herself more than she likes you.
If it makes you feel better, she probably felt guilty for a little while afterward. But yeah... In all likelihood, it's over. And yes, nothing is the best thing you can do when it comes to her... As for yourself, there's much to do. Don't forget that. Why not become an expert in old movies? Or start writing that book you've always been talking about? The day can be filled in many different ways and the mind, even though its full of tricksey memories, is more than willing to enter into distraction.
And yes, I have long pondered the irony of the fact that if you had done the same thing in the same circumstances, the woman you now pine for would probably hate your guts...
kanickys case is very common , ive seen it in many cases with girls i know who married early and divorced in 30s or 40s. They need the wild girl, or independent phase, i think every girl has to go through it in her life.
Whats wrong with being selfish after a marriage of 15 years has ended?
Just look at that statement... Is there something wrong with taking a dollar out of the tip jar if you've given every other time you came in for five years of being a loyal customer? Is there something wrong with snapping at someone at work because you've been coming in for who knows how many years, never a sick day but never a compliment either?
Of course it's wrong. Does that mean you weren't justified? Not at all. But you still broke a man's heart FOR YOURSELF. YOu didn't care (overly) or question the impact on his life. Probably, this was because you had to do it... But don't pretend you don't have responsibility here. You chose to start dating him, too...
I'ver dated few divorcees and for some reaosn they need to date a LOT!!!!!!!
They don't wangt to maje the same mistakes. They've been to the circus.
I bet $1 million you were WAY too nice to her. WAY too nice.
I have a feeling you were there too much for her - too many calls - too much presure on her....she has a life and needs time to herslef and her family.
I have a strong feelin gyou've become needy and insecure recentl yas well - you sound like it. Divorced women WILL run from needy and insecure - especially if the yhave kids - they don't need another kid.
Being a 'nice guy' is bad for business. Yiou need to learn to be a 'good guy' whoi has a life away from her. She WAS part of your life - not your life - I bet $1 million you made her your life - she think YUCK!!! Too much presure.
Disappear for a while - ZERO contact - don't call her!!!
Yep - she needs a wild girl stage AND a 'nice guy' wont fullfill that.
Women - if you thought he was perhaps "the one" and you pined for your free period (which she basically what she had since her Ex was never there...) what would you do?
Would you find a way to extend an olive branch or feelers now and then? or something else?
Ok, your taking being selfish to a whole new level. Stealing and being selfish about how you want your life to go are to completely different things. When I say whats wrong with being selfish it meant to the subject at hand, not everything in my whole life, from stealing because I wanted something kind of selfish. I mean selfish about what is best for you and your kids, selfish about finding out who you really are. Being in a marriage or a relationship makes you the second half of something. I'm not saying that is wrong but its a completely different feeling to be totally independant. Thats the kind of selfish I am talking about. As far a a wild girl stage, that wasnt what it was for me. It was just knowing that I can make it on my own and take care of my kids and support them by myself, with no help from anyone. Being in my 30's that was important for me. It makes you feel really crappy to think at this age you cant even financial support yourself without the help of a man. Thats not a nice feeling. To answer your question ASH, we started dating 1 month after the end of my 4 1/2 year relationship, he moved way to fast and wanted to do everything for me, we dated for about 5 months.
LBP, you agreed with me but then said that I messed with some guys heart. So am I right to assume that you think people should stay together forever even if they are not happy just so they dont break anyone's heart? I wasnt happy, it wasnt the kind of thing I was looking for. I was upfront from the word go and told him that I wasnt making any promises. So because I didnt feel the same way about him that he felt about me, I should stay with him anyway???? That doesnt make any sense.
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