I'd like to make this as coherent as possible, but I'm afraid my state of mind right now might turn this into a ramble--in not feeling in the highest of spirits.

My and my (now ex) girlfriend have been together for 4 years, in fact, our 4 year mark would have been just a little under two weeks from now. I am 22, she is 20. We have had a pretty average relationship, for the most part. We share common interests, we speak the same "language," (which is very important to me), that is, she understands me in ways I wish many of my own immediate family members could understand me. She has made me feel complete, and in turn, I have involuntarily centralized my life around her. I won't lie, serious conversations regarding marriage and our future have come up now and again and were insigated by both myself and her equally. For the past few days, however, she has shown signs of straying. She has always been pretty fickle, and I would positively describe her as having a zest for life that I confess I grow worn by at times--she is spontaneous, a free spirit, and she self-described herself as being a person who doesn't like stability. She has a wild side, and I was okay with this. Her resume consists of swimsuit modeling and Hooters; I have supported her and in return got her love. Never once have I suspected her of cheating on me, and I still don't believe she would ever cheat on me.

As I was saying, she grew very distant from me very rapidly the past week or so. She started asking from a lot of time alone, and got angry when I showed up to her house unexpectedly (which I got accustomed to doing for the past 4 years). When I ask her why she feels she needs all this time alone, she responds with a different answer. At first, she said she was just overwhelmed with life. Then she said she needed to find herself. Then she said she was doing it to protect me from her bad moods, because I didn't deserve to be hurt. I finally got fed up and decided to do something about this vague problem we were having.

She said it would be best if we split up, but that she loved me and knew I was the one for her. She said she knew for a fact that she wanted to pursue a committed serious relationship with me but said right now was not a good time, and that she really didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.

I type this right now still confused about the whole thing. I am best described as a passive person, and to some, a Mr. Nice Guy. I am trying my hardest not to call her. I don't have any other people in my life, the three friends I have--two of them I don't feel comfortable talking to about these situations, and the other one is too busy with his love life to really lend an ear.

I have been passifying myself with music, but I don't know what to make of all this. I must admit to being socially awkward when it comes to interpreting vagueness in someone. I don't fear being alone, I fear not being with her, I love her very very much and always made it an effort to never give her a reason to believe I was not the one for her. I never treated her poorly, I always held up my half of the bargain when it came to the relationship, and at times, even did HER part.

The best way to describe how I feel right now is violated and confused. I feel robbed, as if she took something from me that did not belong to just her.

I know this is a community forum for questions, and most of my post has been venting, but I googled many things to try and come up with an answer to why she would do this to me. I have nothing to do, no where to go, I have no desire to occupy myself with studies, work, or friends. I do not know what I did wrong... I usually know what's going on my life... but right now.. I don't... can somebody please help me? Please

There is no way that I can mend your broken heart but maybe I can give you a little insight. I got married when I was only 19 and now that a look back at it, sometimes I regret settling down so young. There are many things that I have and will miss out on, like going out to clubs and parting and drinking at a bar. Maybe she has realized the same thing. She will never be able to get these years back. But rest assured, she still does love you.

I feel like she is just putting me away in the closet so she can have fun with other toys and believes she can come get me when she is done. I let her know that I did not have any intentions on waiting for her to be "ready" and was going on with my own life.

On top of all this, she saw that I was distraught about the entire thing while she was breaking it off with me and tried to hug and comfort me with affection. She also wanted to keep in contact and kept saying "If I call, will you answer?" I of course told her that it was not fair for me and aslong as I am respecting her decision for breaking it off to "find herself" she should respect my space and let me handle the break up the way I see healthiest--a clean break!

I feel very alone.

EDIT: This was my first real long term relationship. Is it normal for me to feel very angry about imagining her with another man? I just keep getting these images of her moving on so quickly and dating another guy so soon. They are very haunting images and they bother me so much. I still very much feel as if she belongs with me, but now the possibility of her flirting around with guys or dating another guy is very possible, and I must deal with it. It hurts, why do I keep thinking about it?

Shakedown,

Let me start by saying that I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I am just coming out of one that was just shy of 8 years, and I know how much it hurts.

Even though you feel violated by her actions and it takes almost everything that you've got just to not think about her, you have to realize that you are going to have to fill the void with other things. Becoming active and getting involved in social and sports activities are a great way to start the healing process. I think that you have to do this sooner rather than later because the longer that you wait, the more time that your mind stews over what happened and how much you want her as a part of your life.

I am not saying that this will be easy, but like I said, I know how you are feeling. (Mine ended it about 3 weeks ago now). I also realize that you need someone to talk to and that the friends that you have are not available to talk to for advice. That is why you have stumbled onto this site and to us. The great thing about everyone here is that they offer advice from a third person point of view and usually only speak from past experiences and not from knowing about your prior relationship. Yes, we do read what you have written and that helps make us better informed about your situation, but the reality is that they all play out in about the same manner. You should really read and understand the sticky posts at the top of the forum (especially the what to expect when you get dumped). Also, get into the nc calender and read the posts there.

I think that you will find that we are all here for the same reasons and at one point or another wanted the same thing (reconciliation). What you are going to need to come to terms with is that your odds of getting back together are not too good. The only thing that you can do is give yourself and her time and space. Those two things really are the only things that will help. Over time you will realize that life goes on and that the connection that you shared with her can and will be found again in your life. If you are one of the lucky few, it will be with her, but lets take a piece of reality, you have to think, expect, and believe that it will not be. I know how hard this is for you to come to terms with because it was just as hard for the rest of us, but you do need to come to terms with it.

You will begin to realize that this could be the best thing to have happened to you. You are still young and you have plenty of time to live your life. You will develop social skills and make new friends unlike you could've imagined. What will surprise you is that this is the time in you life where that is exceptionally important and when you will meet what will become most of your lifelong friends. Just as important is that doing this as a single. You will find that as a single, these will be your friends and part of your life. If and when you get into new relationships (and even if you do reconcile it is still a new relationship) these are the people that you must maintain a connection with as well. It sounds like you let a lot of people walk out of your life because you were more focused on her. This is something that you need to learn from. Without your friends and a social life outside of your relationships, you are likely to just repeat history. You will need more than talking about each other to maintain healthy communication in a relationship. These friends will give you a life outside of a relationship that you can talk about. It will also help you develop your own desires in life (aside from women) and you will learn that the things that in the things that you like, other people will take an interest in. The great part of that is when you are ready for another relationship, you will realize that your new girlfriend will have her own desires as well. This will lay the foundation to learning about each other and having new experiences.

I am not saying that this is going to be an easy road for you to walk but you will have to walk it. It takes time and a lot of it to overcome but as the time passes, it gets easier. One day, you will look back on this and possibly think (as hard as it is to imagine) that it was the best thing that could've happened to you.

As for feeling alone, we are and/or have all gone through this and the loneliness goes away with time and making new friends. You learn that this just like everything else in life is about learning. If you don't learn from this, you are missing the most important lesson.

And to your question about how you are feeling. Yes, this is normal but this will not bother you once you can let go of the past. You would be surprised and pleased to know that it is not likely that she will just jump into something with someone else. Especially after 4 years. She too needs to have time to readjust to being single again and to process what has happened. Those feelings is also why time and space are so important. The less you know about what she is doing, the better you are going to feel. Those thoughts will become less frequent and then they just won't bother you. When that happens, you will realize how far along in your healing you have actually come.

Remember, the hurt is there now, but it will diminish. You will look back on this one day and realize that there was nothing that you could do to stop this and that she will be the one in the end that will regret this decision. You will move on with your life knowing that you got past this and by the time she realizes what she is missing out on with you, you will be in your happy place and you won't want her anyway.

As you have grown and changed, so has she. She is not the 16 year old kid any more, and wants to explore life as all young people do. Accept it, and enjoy the memories, mourn the loss, and HEAL the hole in your soul. You may have to cut all contact with her for a time, while you get it together. But it will be well worth it to adjust and regroup. I know its not easy, when such a big part of your life has changed so suddenly, but you must cope with those feelings, and grow through them. Yes you will have flashbacks, and all sorts of thoughts of her, as she moves on, but its normal, and will get better with time, and just to give you some insights, and suggestions to help, click on the links in my signature, to answer some of your questions. Sorry for your loss, but it will get much better. You are not alone. WE ALL HAVE BEEN THRU THE SAME THING.

Yeah, you got issues, man. Not with her, with yourself.

Four years is a long time to date. But what else did you accomplish during that time? What she it? If so, I understand all the more why losing her is so hard.

Breaking up wasn't your idea. She didn't take away anything from you. You're supposed to be an independent, vibrant, lively person with exciting ambitions and goal who is SHARING that life with someone who is interested. It sounds more like you have managed to wrap yourself up in her and SHE is your goal and ambition.

There's no win there.

You believe she owes you more. This is understandable, based on 4 years. But it's wrong. EITHER ONE OF YOU can change your mind and move on at any time with no harm, no foul, as long as you didn't get married in the process. She doesn't owe you anything more than to be honest with you.

This didn't happen overnight. You got dumped. That's going to feel harsh, but it didn't come on all at once, and you must be able to acknowledge that, too, if you want to heal over this anytime soon.

Any thoughts you have concerning her will be bad. This includes picturing her with other men, having pets, new jobs, reminiscing about the "two of you". You're not in a place where you can ponder those things and be OK.

You don't have to deal with her or your feelings about her in any way. You need to ignore them until you've successfully moved into the next stage of your life, without her.

Based on how much you care(d) for her, you now know YOU CAN care that deeply. Awesome. That means you can do it again, several times if necessary, until the truly right girl is in your life. Time to start the journey forward.

I wish I prepared myself for such an occasion. I don't have any social support system. No one know about the breakup yet. I can't talk to my family about it and as I mentioned earlier my friendship with my 3 friends have become very casual.

Im just sitting here trying to catch movies on TV to pass the time, or play nostalgic music to take me back to days where I didn't even have a girlfriend to begin with in an attempt to rediscover myself and some kind of inner strength, but songs only last 4 minutes.

Everyone is telling me that it is normal for her to be feeling this way because she is 20 and doesn't want to waste her years. Why don't I feel this way? Why don't I see being in a committed relationship at my age a waste? Why am I so content with the idea of commitment, I mean, I'm 22, that's not consiered OLD compared to her. I want to feel what she feels, I want the desire to be single, it would help me so much. All I want though is to continue where we left off.

I feel like someone is repeatingly punching me in the stomach. I keep looking at my phone waiting for some call or text from her, even though I told her not to contact me.

Shake,

Really, you can't just sit there and watch TV, listen to music, and surf the internet. If you are having trouble find activities to do, go to your local community center. Look for volunteer positions, ask about social clubs, and summer sports leagues that you might be able to sign up for.
You really need to get active and focused on yourself. You will find that as you do that, you will think more about what you are doing and less about her.

I got married at 23, so you're right. There's no reason at all someone your age can't be in a permanent relationship. You win that point.

Now wake up. The reason I got married at 23 is because I started dating the right girl at 21. If she had not felt the same way as I did at any point, I would've been forced to start again with someone else. And I would have.

Your ex isn't the girl for you. She IS the one you want, but that's not up to you any longer.

I understand and agree with all the advice that has been offered. I drove down to school on my day off in hopes of finding someone to study the same subject material with me. I left after only a short while because it is very hard for me to move forward and be normally sociable. I am not myself, and it isn't the best time for me to meet new people; I tried to force it, but it just didn't feel right. I ended up finishing my school work and alone and I am now back home.

It sounds very easy to join clubs, or participate in activities--this is such a challenge for me right now. Maybe its because I don't feel there was any closure. I keep thinking to myself "if only she would have cheated on me" or something else along those lines, because then I would have a very solid reason for moving on. The last things she said to me were regarding how she knows I am the one for her, and how much she wants to spent her life with me and be with me and how much she cares about me... but she just needed time to herself right now to figure herself out. The terms we parted on make it so that I am aware of her feelings for me and it is making it hard to cut that emotional cord.

Lets just look at the facts here, She is confused and needs time to figure herself out, but knows she loves you. Can we not see the contradiction in terms? Know for a fact this is the oldest break up line in the book, designed to let her off the hook, and keep you blind to her tearing up this relationship. She is not so confused, as to not let you go, she seems sure about that doesn't she?

Are you saying I shouldn't believe what she told me and simply interpret it as her using textbook methods for letting me off easy?

No, she was letting HERSELF off easy.

My friend, I feel your pain, I've been there myself. The first thing you must do is find out where you went wrong in this relationship. First of all, You made this relationship your source for happiness, that was the beginning of your demise. Never prioritize a person, who has made you an option. People can't make you happy, they can only enhance what you already have. If you allow a person to become your happiness
When they leave you, they take your happiness with them. Why? Because you failed to take responsibility for your own happiness.. . In making her the star, you lost your appeal. You lost
Your ability to be a challenge. Which led to her lost of attraction for you. You made a goddess out of this girl, and you can't do that if you want to maintain her interest level. Being passive, will not get the desire result that you are seeking. Women are attracted to men that have confidence.. . This is a hard response, and it's not my intention to be unsympathetic. My eyes teared up when I read your inquiry. I've been where you are. The thing to do now, is to look into yourself and ask yourself what deficiency that is in me that I need to work on.. . A bad experience can be valuable, if you learn the lesson that's being taught.. . My $00.02

LeBo, everything you said is true... except for the girls it isn't.

SOME girls need a guy whose life isn't wrapped around her. I'd even say most girls. But I might be wrong.

SOME girls will only be happy long term with a guy whose whole universe revolves around her.

So, the trick is to figure out which type of guy YOU are, be true to that, then find a girl that needs THAT kind of guy. Win-win.

Well, one thing I have to say about the relationship is that I know for a fact I did the best I could and made no mistakes. When I say mistakes, I mean anything that would contradict who I am as a person. I am a giving person, I know this. I also know that with that quality sometimes comes a huge price. Giving people sometimes turn into door mats, it is a sad truth.

The reason I centralized my happiness and life around this person is because that was the way the relationship was structured, from the beginning. Foolish? Probably, nonetheless, I suppose I shouldn't be so angry and shocked at the fact that I am feeling unhappy because now she is gone... she took my happiness. Her personality was the following: needy, emotionally dependent, etc. She pulled the bait and switch. She conditioned me to centralize myself around her and she suddenly decided she wanted space, that is the only reason why I feel angry and somewhat violated. I felt disposable.

Regardless of how much I'm hurting right now, I would still take the same approach I did with any future relationship. It is important to me as a person to live up to the kind of person I enjoy being, a giving one, maybe I just need someone with enough responsibility and maturity to care for the delicate flower that is my ability to give... thats the only problem I see. I overestimated the sensitivity of a person and her ability to cherrish what she had.

I can't and refuse to modify myself according to how the dating system works nowa days. Aside from this whole... ordeal, and aside from the fact that my soul feels shattered into a million pieces, and aside from the fact that I shed tears on an almost hourly basis, even as I type this, it is incredibly important for me, as a person, to be true to myself and how I treat people. I'm not going to ensure my significant other still feels a "chase" sensation to keep the relationship healthy. Anyway, I am just rambling now.


There is someone out there for me, the way I am now, and I see no sense in modifying my personality for anyone.

Thank you everyone for continuing to respond to my thread, its means the world, really it does.

I couldn't offer you any better advice than that... well, other than what we've already been doing. Hehe.

Dude your in bakersfield, that's not that far from fremont I don't think. LETS HANG OUT!!


But seriously.. anyone know of any online places where I can meet new people in my area? I really needa start getting my life together!

By the way I can't express how much this web community has helped me. You guys truly are amazing, and I'll be sure to stick around and update my progress as well as help others!!

I'd recommend a strategy of "Getting Involved" in things rather than "going and finding someone." Does that make sense? People you run into and get to know in the course of pursuing other interests are automatically a step above the general cattle call you'll run into on the open singles scene.

Just a suggestion.

I guess it came out wrong. I was thinking of like online groups where I can pick an interest and meet people who share a common interest. I actually found and joined a local car forum (subarus) because I'm really into cars; they have car meets every Tuesday at a place by where I live (neat huh? ). Hopefully this will help me get out of the house and meet some fun people.

As far as how I'm feeling, I'm feeling a little better, hopefully you guys can notice a change of tone in my posts. The only thing that really bothers me now is imagining her with other guys, mostly sexual.. I don't know why I keep thinking about that. Maybe its because I have a feeling that's the type of girl she is. Anyway. Thanks again everyone!