Well guys, I've also become one of the many hurt/confused/lost people to come across your forum looking for answers. Life has given me a swift kick in the ***** and I'm at amiss of what to do. Let me give you some backstory and you guys/gals can give me some advice:

I met my girlfriend back in March of 2007. I was 21 and she was 18. We actually met on a dating site, we were both just goofing around. She messaged me, I met her, we fell in love. You know the story. After about a year and a half together we moved in with each other. I was without a job for a good while and she worked hard to keep food on the table. I regret this so much and I think that led a lot to this break-up. I've had a steady job for the past 4 months (odd ones here and there before) and I have been contributing but I myself wasn't right. I had been smoking pot and she didn't like it. Not only that but I allowed the relationship to stagnate. We stopped going out together. I stopped spending the time with her that I should. She was unhappy but I didn't notice it.

Now I am of course only telling you about the negative aspects of this relationship. We had plenty of good times. I've cared for her. Cooked for her when she was tired. Done all the good things a boyfriend should do most of the time, I'm not perfect. We went on long vacations that we truly enjoyed.

It seemed to start to stagnate when we started to live together. I've never lived on my own and the idea of paying for my own bills and things was a foreign concept to me. I moved straight from parents house to living with her (big mistake I know, but you know we do these things when we're in love/young/dumb). This girl loves me I know. What hurts me the most is when I was starting to get good and I had been contributing for a while. I mean really contributing. Helping with things around the house and trying to be a good partner she dumped me. But somewhere along the line with her I stopped doing/being the person she was attracted to in the first place but she still loved me. I stopped being self-confident, ambitious, I quit going to school (she's already got her bachelors, working on masters) and more. I don't know why I allowed this to happen or why it did. Now on to the actual break-up. Wednesday of last week we had a little spat in the morning as I was driving her to school. We fought a little and I apologized for it. Then by text she says, "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, I'm unhappy." I begged her, pleaded with her and she told me to give her some space. I even talked to her later that evening and in front of her threw away all of my smoking material because a person is way more important than a plant. Now comes Thursday, I was upset cause my work was screwing me over so I went to talk to her because I wanted to keep her up to date on my work situation so we could work through it. She said she had a knot in her stomach and it was hard for her to be around me. She was honestly nice to me though and gave me a hug. She even sat on my lap and told me just to give her some space and time. I agreed, even though it hurt me to. I called her later that evening to see that she made it home from her night class and she told me she was with her mom. The next day I ask if I can go by the apartment to get some lunch and she says OK. She texts me and says, "I'm really unhappy could you please let me go." All of a sudden she was very final when the day before she gave me a chance. When she came by the apartment I was still there and I begged and pleaded with her. I acted like a fool but I couldn't control my emotions. After she left to work I even called her at work like a fool. God that was dumb. I wrote her a few dumb notes that were emotional and contained nothing of real substance, at least not to her and I regret writing them.

I realized that I allowed myself and she enabled me to become dependent on her and that was a very bad thing. I realize you should never be dependent on anyone but yourself. This girl was wonderful you guys and I miss her so much. I have to get my things out of the apartment this Wednesday and that's hard. I know the only thing I can do is respect her space and privacy. I haven't contacted her (since my dumb begging/calling stuff) except to tell her I agree with the break and that things could never continue the way the were. I truly get the impression that she just wants to be alone for a while to find out what she truly wants. I've never abused her, never hurt her physically, none of that. I just became lazy, not confident, and lacked ambition. All these things are unattractive traits to her, most women probably. Now that we are broken up I regret all of these things immediately and I've changed myself already. I've sworn never to smoke again. It never got me anywhere. It's a waste of money, time, and it made me complacent. I've been running every day and getting back in shape. Eating the right things, etc.

I want to get back to the self I was a year and a half ago and the person she fell in love with in the beginning. The confident, ambitious, pro-active man that I was. That's what she wants and not only what she wants, what I want. When I'm going full-bore and all cylinders are firing I know I'm a good catch. We had a lot of turbulent nights sometimes and I think because we always got back together that I thought no matter what happened we'd get back together. It's not that I became a bad person its just that I became someone I wasn't and someone I never want to be again. It hurts that now that I've lost her its woken me up. Made me realize that I have to do things for me because the way I am, I am no match for anyone, let alone her. I've kept up the NC as much as I can. Had to fight driving over there to talk to her. Now I know there is nothing I can do but give her time and space. Is there anyway I can show her that I've truly changed? That I want to do things right? That I want to be a confident young man. Full of ideas and ambitions. Because honestly I've wasted my time these past 2 years doing nothing except working bs jobs. I needed to do more and I regret it. I want to write her an apology letter in a couple of weeks because I truly feel bad. I want her to know that I know why it went bad and that I truly apologize. Never in my wildest dreams did I want to lose her and now that I have I want to do a complete 180 degree turn and get my life going in the right direction. Is there anyway I can contact her in a month to see how she's doing? I truly want to try again with her because we had something special regardless of the bad times. There's 2 sides to the story and it's hard for me to spell it all out here and I know there's blame to fall on both sides even if it is mainly on mine. We truly enjoyed each others company. We loved spending time together and we were great friends/lovers. I want to win her back but I don't know how. What can I do?


There is more to this story guys it's hard for me to get it all out in a forum post. Also I appreciate anyone that replies, regardless of your answer I appreciate it and thank you. If you need more info please feel free to ask and I will deliver.

It doesn't look so bad, if you are serious about the person you want to be and what to do to get there. You are in shock and desperate. It IS normal.

I like seeing the "other" part of the relationship. Not only because I'm a girl, but also it helps you think the way she thinks and accept the break-up. You are already talking about getting her back so let's get this straight.

You are a 21 year old girl, trying to get your master's, and working at the same time. You've been living with your boyfriend for a year and a half. During that period, while you worked your *** off, he got a few jobs here and there but the rest of the time, he stayed at home and smoked pot. He was nice and all, but you didn't like it and he knew it, yet he didn't quit. You've been unhappy for a while, even talked to your mom and asked for advice, but he didn't seem to notice - or worse, care. What would you do?

...
It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you are not happy with them. I honestly think she still loves you. But you should have done all this BEFORE, now it's too late to prove that you changed right away and even if you do, you should do it for the right reasons, so stop trying to prove it to her.

As I said, you are already talking about "how to get her back"... It's normal, but not healthy. You are acting like a kid saying "I stop smoking pot and eat healthy every day since we broke up, can I get her back now?" If you go for this (sorry if it sounds harsh) you shouldn't get her back. She made it clear, she wants you out of the house, at least for now.

So start changing, not for her but for yourself. Do the things you need to do to be the person you were/want to be again. She needs time, give her time. Don't call her, email her, text her. It doesn't mean "don't miss her." Give yourself a little time too.

You are in a state of panic. You say you want to be confident again, start here. Accept the break-up and (drumroll please) start "moving on with your life." Easy to say huh... Sad but true, only time will show what happens. Don't give yourself hope. She seems like an ambitious person. Successful women are attracted to successful men. Be that guy and when you feel like you worked out all your personal issues you can take care of relationships. If by then she doesn't want you back, you know someone else will. Good luck.

I understand what you're saying and appreciate the feedback. Sorry about the "oh yes, I've quit smoking and being counter-productive so it's all better now k?".
I realize that's naïve. It's going to take a longer than that to prove it to myself that I have changed and maybe when I have finally made some progress with myself I can work on reopening the doors to her, if she'll have me. If not, open myself to other people and possibilites. I truly regret what happened and it hurts but I guess it took me to lose her to finally realize what she was trying to say me. It sucks but I guess no one said life was easy. I'm going to work on some positive steps to get my life going in the right direction. School, activities, you name it.

I still would like to send her an apology letter in a couple weeks as I truly do feel bad. I'm not going to be sappy, or ask for her back. I just want to make it clear to her that I know what I screwed up. Is this a bad idea? I don't expect a reply or anything I just feel like I should truly apologize. Not like I tried to do in those stupid notes where I was babbling and going on incoherently.

You say you wan to change... you say you want to be that guy she was attracted to when you guys first met. You say all these things... but yet you want to write her an apology letter stating you messed up?

It's okay to mess up, but its never okay to admit you messed up to someone who does not want you. Not only will this prove that you are changing for her, but it will creep her out that you changed just to get her back, which kind of seems pathetic to me.

You want to do a complete 180 and become that man you always thought you were, right? Well, start by getting your life together. Don't let her know what you're doing. Most likely though the grape-vine of her friends and people you both know she will find out that you have done this.

Its sort of like my story. I became someone in my last relationship that I never wanted to be... I became very unhappy and very overweight and was drinking ALL the time EVERY night, and packed on a few pounds if you know what I mean. Since then, I have gone N.C. and promised myself that I would NEVER allow myself to EVER be dependent on a girl, or a substance (alcohol, cigs).

I started working out, and started hardcore running and getting into shape. 5 months latter, a mutual friend of ours sees me, and didn't even know it was me. (have not seen me in 10 months or more). He couldn't believe it was me. Complemented my new look, and even said, "This is how you are suppose to look like." Currently I look like I did when I was 19 years old (around the time I met my current ex), and damn was I fine catch.

Its funny, cause a week later I guess she heard about my complete 180 turn, and has since then has contacted me twice. The last text was: "Hi." (no idea what the means) Before I changed my number for good.

Moral of the story is: Change for yourself, and GO N.C. and sooner or later she will find out or notice that you did do that 180, and it wasn't because of her, it was because you wanted to-do it. And to tell you the truth, that is a very attractive quality in a man, a man that has will power to change himself, for himself.

Since you want to make the changes for yourself do it. When you can show results and prove that you are working to do better it has real meaning. More than an apology.

Maybe when/if she sees this her attitude will change,

Right now keep up the good work. The changes will benefit your life with her or without her.

I wish you well

I hear you Adapa and thanks for the reply too. I just thought in some way it'd be OK to send her a letter. To let her know that I was sorry for the way things turned out and to leave the doors open. I don't know how it would make me look pathetic to man up to what I did wrong and apologize for it. I'm serious I'm not trying to sound dumb just wondering why that would be a bad idea Adapa.

I am already running everyday to get my act back together. Healthy body healthy mind they say. After only a few days of consistent running I already feel sharper. The only thing I wonder about is there really is no mutual friends. Not really sure how she would find out that I did make that 180. I mean she has me on Facebook but still. I don't want to do this change for her but not sure how it would get relayed to her.

I guess I'll just work on myself and maybe if I feel like it in a months or 2 time I'll contact her. Or maybe she'll contact me by then. Or maybe this is a bad idea? Bah this stinks.


Thanks for the reply too martinizing. I will keep up the good work. You know what they say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". It hurts to get dumped and I hurt now but I know that will subside. I just want to know what would be the appropriate way of reopening contact down the line (if I want too).


You guys/gals are awesome. There are some kind souls on this website. I'm glad I found this place. You guys are really helping me. Thanks a lot.

I'm guessing she lives near you, since you met her. The world is a small place, and most likely we run into people out of no where (people we don't really want to see... ). Chances are at one point you will run into her. Or maybe one of her friends will run into you.

Write the letter if you want, but I think you shouldn't admit your defeat. I'd write it, and sit on it for a while, maybe a couple months, and I bet after 4-5 months you'll re-read it, and would will think, thank god, I didn't send that to her.

Maybe way down the line IF you feel the need then maybe a simple note . But I would give it a year or more.
To be completely healed takes longer than most people think.
At least from what I have seen and my own experiences.

If the apology letter gets you communicating you may fall into a situation that puts you back to the start. Think about starting this again. Bad bad situation.

Wait and give it a great deal of thought first.

Stay strong you are doing great

The only reason I want to contact her in a month or 2 time is to see if there is an chance of reconciliation. If not, I can truly move on. Right now I'm harboring so many hopes that in the future it'll work out and I can't help that. I know I'm just saying that now. I guess if I still miss her after I get my stuff sorted out I'll deal with it an probably ask you guys how to approach it then.


I hear you adapa. She really is a sweet girl so I just felt like I wanted her to understand where she is coming from and why she did it. Poop

After a breakup the mind does a lot of weird things... the thought process is not rational at all, and logic completely goes out the window. When my ex left me, a week later of not contact I text-ed her while I was in school on a Thursday. About how much I loved her, and that I don't want to go on with my life without the love of my life in it. And yada, yada, yada. I wrote down some pretty sappy... like... how a week prior to our break-up she told me that I was "her soul-mate".
-> Yep, 1 week later, I was thrown in the trash..

Anyway, moral of the story: After I wrote that text message, I felt really good... Felt like I got stuff off my chest, and was all done. I didn't get a reply until 10 clock at night on a Saturday night.

Yep, it took her almost 2.5 days for her to respond to my text message, And do you know what she texted?
->Hi
->I want to talk to you about your text message.
Me->I'm out right now, we can talk about it in the morning
Tomorrow Morning:
Me->There is nothing to talk about if you don't want to be with me, or don't love me... etc etc etc etc
->You have no idea what I was going to say. I think I made the right choice.

Then that was it, no contact since then. Been over 6 months. Of course she has tried contacting me a couple of times, but I never respond. Recently I have changed my number cause she was texting me.

Anyway: I regretted ever texting her that message. It didn't get me anywhere. All it did was push me further into depression because I was rejected. And it gave her the upper edge of ego-boost for the time being, because I let her know that I was upset.

Now, the tables have turned and I am the winner, but it doesn't always play out like that, and I could have seriously lost the battle if she didn't slip up like she did.

So, what I'm saying is... hold onto your dignity/pride... because that is all that you have left:

YouTube - Vegeta talking about saiyan pride

I hope you understand that you have out right lied twice, when she asked for space, and you didn't give it to her.

Do so now, and see how you feel later. Sometime when we act based on facts, and not just feelings we make better decisions, and if we could see ourselves after we get dumped, we could probably make better choices for ourselves, where we don't come off as whiny, little boys who have hissy fits, and ignore the claim of time and space that most dumpers ask for.

Hard to miss someone when the last thought of them was a disgusting one.

I hear you Tal and I understand what you're saying. You also know how hard it is to give someone space that you care so much about. I just wanted to make it right. To get her to talk to me so we could work things out. I did not mean to act the way I did and I of course regret it. I shouldn't have gone back over there after it happened and I hope I didn't screw up any chance in the future with this girl. Since Friday I haven't contacted her at all except to tell her when I was coming by to get my stuff. It's hard but I'm trying to be strong.

I've been getting much better since then but I just seem to have a problem sleeping through the night. I wake up with my mind racing and thinking about her and what happened. Hopefully her last thought of me isn't a disgusting one. I've written her a couple sweet notes saying goodbye and wishing her good luck. So hopefully she sees these and thinks better of me. Wednesday is going to be horrible. I have to go over there to get all my stuff but it's going to be hard to do. My brother is going with me to help so at least he will be there.

The only thing I can do now is respect her space and privacy and give ourselves time to heal. I guess regardless of the outcome since she was the one to dump me she'll be the one to contact me again, if she does right? It really sucks. I really cared about this girl and we had a lot of plans in the future. It's just hard for me to believe its over after 3 years 4 months. I'm sure it doesn't help that she was my first (and I hers) and my first serious relationship.

Is it never a good idea to get back in contact with an ex? I mean, after my emotional turmoil gets over and I can think about this like you said factually should I revisit it? It's hard for me to believe there's no hope in the future or no other chances. I guess the balls in her court.


Also the fact that I was the cause of the break-up really hurts. I should have seen that she was unhappy but for some reason it didn't happen. Like I said I let myself become someone I didn't want to be and I don't know why.

Yes it is and you put it there.

Healing is all about learning how to deal with what is hard to believe.

Guys this is going to be the hardest thing for me to do but after getting my stuff out tomorrow I'm going to go at least a month of NC. Maybe longer but I'm just trying to give myself some short term goals. Not sure what I'll do in a month if I still miss her and want to work things out. I'll revisit this in a months time. I'll make a new post and see what you guys have to say. Thanks for all the good advice and now I'm going to try and work on myself.

You aren't going to believe this now, especially since she is the first for you, but after a proper healing period, you will have fond memories still, but you will have built a life that you enjoy and are looking forward to other options and opportunities that are before you, that you may NOT want to revisit the past. And new memories will replace old ones as you grow and explore your world. You can only see as far as your feelings now, but in time, you will see the possibilities for happiness, is endless.

You had no experience then, but clarity of thought, and understanding thru a proper healing will bring you to a place you can better cope with your own feelings in positive ways so you can deal with whatever life throws at you. This experience is but one life lesson, painful as it is now, that will give you the skills, and experience you will need for the future, and you will be better prepared for what is to come. Trust me, there is much more to come.

You are welcome to ask questions and share your thoughts and feelings here ANYTIME the need arises. Building a life that you enjoy and accepting things have change requires a lot of work, and its one of the hardest things any of us will do... until the next challenge in our lives comes along. :eek:

You will survive, and thrive. :)

Thank you so much Tal. Your words are kind and give me hope for the future. I know I'll be OK and I'm looking forward to seeing what I can do for me. The possibilities are endless (as you say) and whether I end up with my ex or any girl it doesn't matter right now. I need to take care of me and I need to do it now.

These forums have been a blessing and I'm glad I found them. I'll post an update in a months time to not only show how I've gotten better (I WILL get better) and to give other people for themselves in similar situations.

I became someone I didn't want to be but now I can become someone I want to be. The future is unknown but bright for me. Thank all of you for helping me in my predicament and giving me advice/thoughts when I needed it. Thank you so much.

Whoops correction:

I'll post an update in a months time to not only show how I've gotten better (I WILL get better) and to give other people hope for themselves in similar situations.

Well guys, thought I wouldn't update this but after today I feel compelled. To be honest with you, I hate Facebook. When moving my things out of the apartment today I took the time to look at it and it only hurt me (I know shouldn't have done it). It hurts to see that only 4 days before we break up she says, "Eating dinner with my cutie watching TNG." Then she goes to state about our break-up, "We had issues that we couldn't work out over the 3 years and he wouldn't respect me not wanting to workout". Well, I guess there is one of my screw-ups there. I wanted her to take care of herself but guess I should have shut my mouth (I know, don't bash me... lesson learned).

I just don't see the need for her to broadcast our break-up and problems on a social site. Since then I have made my friend change my login and pass to something I don't know. That way I won't look at her page and even if I wanted to I couldn't do it. This sucks guys, I didn't want this to happen.

...

What did we say? Why can't you listen to us?... Delete, all ties. This includes but is not limited to:

Facebook
Myspace
Any Blogs
Any Social Networking sites
Youtube

F###K, also, do me a favor and CHANGE your number, and your e-mail address... and for your own dignity, please put your AIM on Privacy.

Yeah, it sucks, but you need to completely ditch any loose ties to her, any connection she can have with you, and any connection that she could easily get a-hold of. This is also for YOUR benefit also. Out of sight, out of mind.

As for the public display of your relationship... please open your eyes. She is writing those things, KNOWING that you will read it.

Please remove yourself from the internet, and do what I said:

Vanish like a silent ninja after a smoke bomb into the night.