hey this is my first time here and I just wanted to ask for some advice that maybe I can show my friend. bear with me since its a long story.

I knew this girl that I'll call "D" back about 5 years ago and we dated for a couple of weeks but broke up because her Mom didn't want her dating. Anyway I ended up moving away to college and graduating from UCLA and I'm 1 month away from graduating pharmacy school.

I kept in touch off and on with D until she started getting involved with druggies and failing classes in high school. At this point she stopped contacting me and I left her alone. Anyway she went on to marry a guy, then they got a divorce because she cheated on him because she was too young to get married at 18. She had gotten kicked out of her foster mom's house, dropped out of high school, and didn't have a place to stay and I heard about this so I tried to get in touch with her since I knew I could help turn her life around and make her successful.

I got in touch with her a year ago, but she refused to move in with me which I guess I can understand since we didn't really know each other. But then she didn't contact me again until a few days ago. She had promised me a year ago that she was going to get her life straight, get her GED. Now she's 20 years old and doesn't have a GED, doesn't have a drivers license, doesn't have a job or anything.

I found out a couple of days ago that she's also 1-2 months pregnant with this guy's baby who she's living with. And this guy also has a 27 year old wife that's living with him. His wife just had a baby, so I think he slept with D because she was 6-7 months pregnant and he didn't want to sleep with her at the time. She had been involved in illegal drugs and homelessness and living on the streets over the last year, so his wife accepted her to live with them a month ago. She didn't know that D's baby's father is her husband until I talked to her. D says that the guy only stayed married for this long so his wife's child can have his last name. Yet the baby is a month old, and he still hadn't told his wife anything about his affair.

But it gets even worse. I was worried about D so I did a background check online on this guy. He was arrested and incarcerated for 1 yr 2 months in north carolina for aggrevated (with force) sexual abuse on a child under 13 years old back when he was 20. This is a serious felony. He has 6 outstanding traffic citations in california (Where he lives now) that he hasn't paid on, including driving with a revoked license and no insurance. He has a DMV hold on his background meaning they won't give him a license now until he pays back the 2,000 or 3000 dollars in fines that he owes. He has changed his last name since he moved from north carolina. He got arrested 6 months ago for failing to register as a sex offender in california and pled guilty which is another felony. I printed and took screenshots of this background report and asked one of her old friends to take her to her house and show her, which she hasn't been able to do yet.

And by living with him, she's putting her own future at risk. His wife (who also has 2 kids that don't live with her from another dad) had a clean criminal record until december of last year when she was with this guy. She was arrested for forgery and sentenced to 60 days jail and 3 years probation. It's only a matter of time until he drags D into a criminal life. So far, D has a clean record and hasn't been arrested for anything.

I have no idea if D knows about any of this. From what I understand, she might know about some things. But she tells her friends "its my life, I'll do what I want"

I could give her everything she ever dreamed of out of life, but for some reason she hates me and keeps telling me to get out of her life. She has no family because her birth mom was schizophrenic and she was taken away from her as a baby. And she has no known father. And if her foster mom knew what she was doing right now, she most likely would never contact her again either. She just recently got back in touch with her.

I think the best thing for her would be to ditch this loser, and get an abortion, and move in with her friend Stacy who is going to college and is a good influence. Listen, I'm against abortion. But in this case, if she has his baby, she's going to end up having him in her life for the next 18 years. This guy works at a gas station convience store. He'll never make enough money to support her baby (and his wife's baby) because he'll never be able to pass a background check and get a better job. And if she has his baby, he'll get arrested or he'll kick her out and the baby will eventually get taken away and put into a foster home and they'll grow up unhappy just like she did. And I really don't think adoption is a good idea because there are just so many other kids waiting to be adopted, and it's hard to find a loving family. Again, the child would just have a life of suffering and D would suffer always wondering what her child grew up into.

If you could leave her some advice, that would be really helpful. She's a caring person, she just had a very hard childhood and she's been living with losers ever since she divorced her husband so she probably doesn't even know what a nice life she could have. I got her in touch with one of her old friends from high school who is going to college, and she has even offered to let her move in with her, if she'll make the effort to get her life straightened out.

One of the huge problems right now is that she really wants a baby because she feels that nobody loves her and she wants someone to love her unconditionally. I've been trying to tell her that she CAN have a baby, once she finds a great man. And trust me, she can find an amazing man. She's SO beautiful. She doesn't have to have a baby right now, especially with this loser. And if she does have this guy's baby, the kid is going to grow up very resentful once he/she is old enough to know the history behind his parents relationship.

Please let me know what I should do and what you think she should do. I pretty much have done everything I could. But it would be nice if you leave advice for her because I know a website that I can contact her on and show her this. thank you for your help

Squiffy

I think you should leave her alone. Yes she has screwed up her life, but really life isnt as simple as you are trying to make her believe it is. She probably doesnt like you because you are telling her tyo get an abortion, that isnt your decision to make. Leave her alone to make her own mistakes. You dont know for sure that this baby will end up with a rotten life, for a lot of mothers having a baby makes them reasess their lives and move on to better things. She shouldnt be having an affair with a married man, but she will learn from it in time. Stop interfering in her life, if she doesnt want your help, leave her alone. If she needs your help and wants your help let her know you are there for her, but dont push it.

pharm9

She had an abortion when she was in high school when she got pregnant by the man that she married. So I can't really say that she is very against abortions.

Why do you think she'll learn from her mistake this time when she hasn't learned from any of her previous mistakes? You want this ex-felon sex offender to be in her life forever? If she has his baby, it's going to happen that way.

TheSavage

Pharm as much as you seem to care about her -- there is not a thing you can do when she does not care about herself-- Savage

Squiffy

It doesnt matter what I want, or what you want, its what she wants that matters! If she wants him in her life forever then that is her choice, whatever he has done.

Just because she had an abortion as a schoolkid, it doesnt mean she would want to make that same mistake again, as you have said, SHE wants a baby, and she has helped to create one. A true friend is one who sticks by their friends no matter what, not one who feels the need to tell their friends what they should do with their lives, and do background checks on people they are involved with, It is just a step too far in my opinion.

Everyone learns a lesson in time. whether it is from the first mistake or the fiftieth. Life is a journey and you dont always take the right turns the first time around, some people take detours.

pharm9

I have to explain about that, actually he has a myspace and posted a blog a few months ago regarding his wife's baby. I'll copy and paste it from his blog:

_____

"Had the baby shower sunday and it turned out ok from what I can tell but there is no telling what lies head for me and the baby now. just take it as it comes is what I'm being told by so many people. I don't know what's more scary, having a child or being in prison?"
_____

That's why I did a background check on him. Because I read that and got suspecious and worried for my friend. Who knows, maybe he had been lying to her and hadn't told her a thing about his criminal past. How would she ever find out the truth? I think she deserves to know. What if he was a murderer and she didn't even know. Although a child rapist isn't that far behind in terms of crimes.

Squiffy

I dont agree that it is a valid reason to do a background check, If she had wanted to know his past she could have asked you to, or found out herself. But she didnt, and she is getting annoyed with you, I would imagine because of this sort of thing.

chuff

First and totally off topic, but that was well written. It was a pleasure to read words seperated into paragraphs. Made it much easier to read.

I honestly can't offer you an good advice because I think the reality is "D" is so insecure and so set in her ways that she isn't going to listen. You hit the nail on the head with the reason she wants the baby, so she will have someone who loves her unconditionally. But the reality is that's not a guarantee either. The only real suggestion I would offer you is to make a list of therapists or councelors that are available in your area for free or a small charge. Most local gov't offer services like this and should be available in your phone book. Give her that list and tell her your not going to bother her anymore but if she wants to contact you she can. Then I would leave it up to that. But you can't force someone to change and it sounds almost like your trying to hard to do that. You've got to give someone the freedom to make there own mistakes and learn from them instead of forcing them to change.

talaniman

While I admire your willingness to help, I think your way out of bounds. You can't save someone from themselves. Get out of her business other than suggest she go to social services and get help with bringing this child into the world and getting a place to stay. After that my friend she needs to get her own act together. Sorry and Good Luck.

kp2171

all that train wreck and you want to be the best thing thats ever happened to her??

man. some lessons you have to learn yourself i guess.

your job IS NOT to save someone else. its to find someone that is good enough to be with you... and if you think this train wreck is as good as you can get, you have some self esteem issues.

really.

i dont care if shes great in every other way... she has some clear issues that SHE needs to solve. not you.

youd be better off backing away and trying to figure out why you are so willing to have low standards. and im not saying that to pi$$ you off. i have no vendetta against you.

i just think you need to demand more for yourself and from yourself. practically stalking a girl this screwed up is a waste of energy.