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Girl friend of 5 years wants to take a break, but doesn't know why.
Asked May 25, 2007, 02:27 AM
I'm 28, and she's 26. We've been together for almost 5 years, and in that time, things have been overall very good. We've spoken about getting married, and although we weren't planning to get married anytime soon (1-2 years), we both did want to eventually get married. We bought a house together 4 years ago, so we're virtually married as it is.
Recently, she came to me and told me that she wants to be on her own for a while. She says she herself is not very sure why she feels this way, but she just has a very strong urge to do things on her own. She says she still loves me very much, and still sees us getting married in the future even. Unlike many of the other situations I've read about, she wants a much longer than a few weeks or even a few months off, she's considering a year+. She says she's always been in a relationship since she was 15 and doesn't know what it's like to be on her own and wants to find her independence.
I can from a rational standpoint understand what she is saying and asking for, but from an emotional stand point, it's very confusing. The questions I have are...
1. Is it likely that she (maybe even sub-consciously) wants out of the relationship, but just from the sheer length of our relationship finds it hard herself to break up, and thinks that "time off" will resolve her mixed feelings. My fear is that a few weeks/months down the road, her head will clear and she'll realize that she really just wants to break up. I'm not trying to force her to stay with me, but I don't want to go through the pain and loneliness of waiting for her only to be heart broken later. I'd rather just end it now.
2. The whole "taking a break" thing seems common enough, but does anyone have an idea of how often the "taking a break" just leads to breaking up. My guess would be that it's probably high, like 75%, which is what's fueling my paranoia about the "time off" being just a prelude to breaking up.
3. For those of you who did successfully survive a "time off", what did you learn from the experience. Often, the person who asked for the "time off" doesn't fully know why they wanted it. When you come back together, do they have a better understanding of why they did what they did?
My message has gone long enough and I don't want to bore people more so than I already have. I'd really appreciate any help anyone can provide. And please let me know if there are any critical details I've missed which would greatly effect the answer.
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May 25, 2007, 02:51 AM
I've been in your situation 3 1/2 year relationship and she wanted a break wanted to clear Her Head no how she felt , didn't no if she loved me forever. Wanted to be single for a while.
I kept speaking to her for two months she seem to be happy and thought we would work itout and she said I'm not stringing you along !1
WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!don't DO THIS!
There is only one thing you need to do and that is nothing.! That's right absolutely NOTHING!
Tell her she s right she needs a break to figure herself out , but HELL buddy what are you waiting for! You must just say to her its over and cut all contact. I know this sounds bad and you will probably say to yourself this... I do want to wait and maybe she does just need 6 months to work herself out and that would be fair caus we ave been together for 5 years !NO NO NONO
She has shown you no respect 5 years yourve given herand she has pulled this break on you SHE DOES NOT NOTNOT CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELING (sHE WILL SAY SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HURT YOU BUT THS IS BEST FOR NOW) HELL she may even throw in the line about how this may help your relationship!1 NO WAY!
You have one opion and that is to let her go work itout without you buddy! LISTEN when I say without you that means in 10 days when she's feeling a bit down and rings your phone you don't answer definitely not! This is not a game the fact is she put you on the outer she doesn't love you if she did she wouldn't do this!
YOU LOVE HER RIGHT YOU wouldn't DO THIS TOO HER YOU CARE FOR HER TOO MUCH. DOT SIT AROUND ALTHOUGHYOU WILL CAUSE YOU WILL BE HEART BROKEN! BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES BE THERE FOR HER LET HER HANDLE THIS EMOTIONAL, ROLLERCOASTER ON HER OWN!
The only reason she is talking like this is cause women want what they haven't got you GET IT She said she has not bEen single and you have probably been a bit clingy lately so she wants to be single! Well when she no longerhas you she will again want what she hasn't got and that's you! So disapear do what no one else on tis site does although they all get told the same info but no one does it until after a month!
Give her what she wants. If you think aboutit a year off as if she isn't guna have another guy within the year you no what she will go out and get some guy and she will want him you no why CAUSE SHE WANTS WHAT SHE hasn't GOT YOU MUST SEE THIS NOW!
SO YOU BECOME WHAT SHE CANNOT HAVCE DO IT NO. BE STRONG. I HOPE YOU DO HIS I'm CONFIDENT SHE ONLY WANTS OUT CAUSE SHE WANTS FREEDOM GIVE HER THE BIGGEST GIFT OF YOUR FIVE YEAR RELATIONSHIP! DO IT NOW
THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU ! TANKS FOR THE QUOTE WC!
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May 25, 2007, 03:45 AM
You obviously love her and would like her back one day, however now is the time for you to accept what has happened and give her what she asked for - space. You should both make it clear to each other that you shouldn't contact each other during the break until you are perhaps on the same wave length as each other when you can start dating again. However be prepared for the worse.
What do you want to accomplish in life? Do you want to travel try a new sport or hobby? Nows the time. Concentrate on yourself, join the gym become a fun bubbly person full of life and work on YOU for yourself not your ex-partner.
Respect her space and give her what she's asked for.
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Senior Family & People Expert
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May 25, 2007, 08:29 AM
she wants a much longer than a few weeks or even a few months off, she's considering a year+.
Give her what she wants, and disappear from her life.
Don't call and don't take her calls, and take this time to recover from the shock of losing a major part of your life. She is basically saying "its over but...........hang around to see if I changed my mind". Start looking out for you, and resist any feeling of calling, or worrying what she is doing. Not easy, but you must not let your emotions play tricks on your mind. Build a life that you enjoy without her.
There are many here who share what you are going through, so don't hesitate to read some of those posts, or any otherr questions you may have.
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May 25, 2007, 01:14 PM
We are all going through the same thing! Help us GOD!
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May 25, 2007, 10:17 PM
The person who takes the break usualyy doesn't know why, that's what you said! Wrong wrong wrong.
They no exactly why they want the break hey don't want and like you as much as they used to!
If you met a girl and dated for 6 months and then thought I don't know ifn I really want her and hen decide no I don't you take a break. The reason you say break is in case you go away and change your mind you can get her back!
People who ask for the break obviously no they want it because if you were dating a girl you liked heaps would you ask for the break no what on earth! They definitely no what they want just sometimes they change there mind when they realise they are missing you and this is usually whenyour gone! So disapear and you will get your answer, when I say disapear this doesn't mean just hide and speak on the phone this means totally no talking she must learn what it is like to not have you in her life. As if in the next year she's not Going to meet someon your kidding yourself what you think she's Going to sit at home and think about weather she wants you for the next year...
Let me tell you she has already decided this in the last year and the ansewer is no she doesn't want you cause if she did she would be with you its that simple!
Now go disapear give her the gift of missing you buddy your only hope.
Let her wallow in her confusion on her own, you are not confused you know what you want don't you so don't let her confuse you leave her confusion to herself and do not speak until she says I want to work it out
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