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I've been dating a girl for 4 months, doesnt seem like a long time but it sure was. im 26 and shes 31...we started seeing each other right after she got out of a 5 year relationship in which she thought she was going to marry the guy...she actually says she finally cut the cord with him when she met me and realized what she had with me. anyway, things took off between us right from day 1 and we connected on a level that neither of us have ever experienced before.
this relationship was truly AMAZING. we laughed, joked, had stupid secret handshakes, knew each other better than anyone, sacrificed for each other, spent all our free time together and were passionate beyond anything that can be explained. i truly believe that she is the one. we both had thoughts about moving in together and having a future together. we talked about future events and how we were gonna find a way to work things out when i start law school next month. we got to the point where we were basically living together, spending 4 or 5 nights a week together.
the only problem was that she never could fully commit 100% because she was still emotionally scarred from her last relationship. i always told her that i thought she was worth it and id be there with her until she was ready. well she recently went on a vacation to another country and came home and admitted she had met a guy there that she kissed. i forgave her for it because i knew her commitment issues and we moved on. however, last week i found out that she was still in contact with him behind my back and had even texted him calling him "baby" which was her little pet name for me. i was furious and walked out only to talk to her again 2 days later after i had calmed down.
she had no explanation for her actions except that she was scared of where we were headed and panicked. she has no feelings for him, he lives in a different country for godsakes and she doesnt even know him, but i guess it was sort of an outlet for her to get away from this commitment. the bigger issue is that she decided that she needs space to figure herself out. she admitted that im everything shes ever wanted and that she wants nothing more than to love me and be fully committed to me but she just cant bring herself to do it...she just claims that she has an emotional void that she needs to fill and that she needs to be alone to figure out who she is and what she wants...meaning ZERO contact with me whatsoever. its absolutely tearing me up inside having to go from talking to her and being with her 24/7, to not being able to speak to her at all. i guess what makes it so hard is that i know she WANTS me in her life but she cant bring herself to take it. all shes ever wanted was to be married and have a family and she knew that with me she was headed in that direction. we're both putting ourselves through this miserable hell of not talking...we're both losing sleep...we're both walking around in a fog all day...why would she consciously choose to put us through this??
she admitted shes miserable and she WANTS to talk to me because she misses me so much but that this is the only solution she could come up with so she CANT talk to me. her head is telling her to take a break while her heart is telling her to be with me. i just want so badly to call her and talk to her about it but i dont want to impose upon her space. i feel like if she takes this time to herself shes just going to move on and its over between us. she refused to say goodbye because she feels like she just needs this opportunity to be alone and figure out if shes ready for a full commitment to me. we havent spoken in days and im a complete mess. i know she needs space but isnt there another way?? if she cares about me as much as she says she does why is she so willing to walk away and risk the possibility that she'll lose me forever??
some of the advice has been fantastic and very helpful...but let me add this now...last night she sends me a text message at 11:30pm that says nothing...so i write back ??
she responds with, "sorry i was going to drunk text you but then i tried to stop it but i guess it went through anyway. if that makes any sense."
i wrote back "ok" and she wrote back "right"...THE END
i was so ready to not talk to her and give her space but now today all i wanna do is call her and ask her what was up with last night's texts.
You need to understand that she has unresolved issues with her last relationship, needs plenty of time to get over it, and you two moved way to fast. You have invested a lot of time, emotions into this in a very short time and now your paying the price. She needs a lot of time and space, so give it to her, and go back to what you where doing before you met her. She is not ready for what you want to give, so you need to back off and not pressure her and let her deal with her issues. Until she is healthier, she will never be happy and cannot give you a relationship like you want her to. I suspect it will take a long time for her to realise her other relationship is over and be able to let go and move on from it.
she claims to be completely over him and that i was NEVER a rebound...that she truly and genuinely cared for me and wanted a future with me...maybe i cant understand cause ive never been in her position before but i just find it so hard to believe that someone who is falling in love with someone else can walk away and risk losing that person forever...
i just cant figure out how one goes about "finding one's self" if all shes doing is thinking about me and missing me while we're apart...to me it feels like NC is meant for a dying relationship...not one thats just starting to blossom...i suppose that shes approaching it as "im 31, i need to make sure that im ready for this because its all or nothing now."
it must be a terrible feeling to know that you're loved and that you want to love that person back but can't find it within yourself.
Wow, your situation sounds a lot like me and my bf. I actually was doing the same thing to my bf, telling him we needed time away from eachother so I can "think." Truth was, I was scarred of him committing to me so fully. As odd as that sounds, I've had not so good experiences with the guys I've dated and to meet a wonderful and committed guy like my bf was almost too good to be true. I kept trying to get him to not like me anymore or give me the slightest sign that he was just like any other guy out there, but he never did. He was always true to me. Through time I came to realize that my problem (maybe like your girlfriend) was that I didn't let myself be vulnerable and open up to my bf, for the possibility of getting hurt. On top of that, the fact that he wasn't like other guys I've met made me even more shut cause I thought "eventually" I would prove myslef right.
So what I'm trying to say is, do give your gf some time to think all of this over with herself. She might be going through the same dilema I went through. When my bf gave me time to think, I didn't stray away to other guys, in fact, I became closer to him and loved him EVEN MORE for respecting my wishes and being there for me. Good luck and don't sweat it, if you are true to her and love her and she IS worth it, she will come through.
Location: United Kingdom - usually cold and wet here!
Posts: 1,276
Quote:
Originally Posted by Copperhead6
People develop patterns
Very true. Patterns are common in people and I still have not quite worked out why they/we follow them. Perhaps a learned response to life situations. To respond to a similar situation by acting according to previous experiences. So life experiences and ways of behaving can have a knock on effect on future behavior/experiences.
Maybe thats why they say past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.
I kept trying to get him to not like me anymore or give me the slightest sign that he was just like any other guy out there, but he never did. He was always true to me. Through time I came to realize that my problem (maybe like your girlfriend) was that I didn't let myself be vulnerable and open up to my bf, for the possibility of getting hurt.
Wow youre right our situations are exactly the same...she actually told me that she was scared of where we were headed and thought she was subconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship because she wasnt ready for it. Shes admitted on numerous occasions that she can't open up to me because she never wants to get to the point where she was at with her ex where she would feel so hurt that shed just sit on the couch doing nothing, not eating, not sleeping, not wanting to talk to anyone...i guess it was her little way of testing me and when i turned out to be perfect for her she panicked and had to take a step back. Thanks for the advice!
Here's the deal man. Give her all the time she needs. Reassure her that u truly mean to be with her for the rest of ur life. When she finnaly talks to u again, be undrestanding...remember..she is emotionaly scarred and the breakup hasn't been that long. Show her that u really mean it by being there for her and giving her time to think about it. She misses u, she wants to be with u and u love her like no-one before.(u said this urself). Be patient and understanding, not to mention caring..relax..and focus on accepting her as she is. If the 2 of u r meant to be together and u don't exagerate and rush her into this, then u have nothing to worry about. REMEMBER:...patient, understanding, caring..,u love her with all ur heart..so give her space and reashure her about ur feelings. She needs time to develop trust..and faith in u. :P...best of luck...and ps...age has nothing to do with true love..not to mention that the 2 of u get along very well.
Its been a week since we broke up...we spoke on tuesday and she said she needed space without contact. then she drunk texted me on thursday night and IMd me friday morning to explain herself. its now sunday afternoon. my stomach is still in knots. i dont know if she feels the same way but im starting to worry that shes not thinking about me and is getting over it. maybe im being paranoid but after an entire week of not talking after we used to talk 24/7, shouldnt she know by now if she wants to be with me? i mean, i know this week has totally reinforced the fact that i dont want anyone but her. i know im not supposed to rush her and i have to give her her time, but the more time that passes the more i feel like shes getting over it and moving on without me.
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