In 2005, I left my hometown at 17 to attend a private university. I met someone through work named Devin who started out as a FWB, but then after a month we started to go out. Devin and I grew distant, yet I met another guy in February 2006 named Tim. He was just a friend I had a little crush on. Tim used to get so frustrated at me because I would always mope around, concerned about Devin, and he would always state that Devin didn’t deserve me. After I broke things off with Devin in May 2006, my friends started to notice that my crush grew, that I would be more open with him, joke around, and flirt. My old roommate always joked that I wanted Tim only for sex, and she kind of hinted to him that I was really attracted to him, and that he should just give me what I want.

I didn't think of it highly at first, because I was disgusted by the fact that he was 27 and me only 18. I honestly didn't know he was 27, because he looks very young, and when he had first met me, he assumed I was about 21 or 22 just because on how mature I was for my age. It was pretty obvious that I wanted him after I left Devin in May, and we started hanging out even more. By July last year, I told everyone that I would be leaving on the 12th. On the 11th, the night prior to my departure, Tim came over to spend some time with me. After my roommates, Tim, and I had finished a couple of movies, people went off to bed, he popped in another movie, and had his arm slung around my waist. I got a little closer, and I was telling myself to just take the chance and sleep with this guy since I was never going to get another chance, and then he squeezed me closer to him. In my mind, I was saying, “You might as well use him as a way to fully get over Devin.” He said firmly, “If you want, we’ll just be friends messing around.” I didn’t know how to respond because I was already getting intoxicated to his touch, and next thing you know, I’m having sex with this guy that I was really attracted to for over 5 months.

Before he had to leave, we spent a few moments outside just holding each other, and he was telling me how much he was going to miss me. He told me I had to go and finish school. He kept reassuring me too that he was still going to be there, and that he would see me in September because he knew that I would be coming back to visit. He called frequently after I left. He would text me 3-4 times a day, and would call and check up at least every other day via phone call. He told me that he missed me and couldn’t wait until September. There was a moment in September where I was really stressed with school at UCSD with difficult courses, and having to juggle with work full time, and running a Border Collie in agility, obedience, and tracking. I started to become depressed and shut people out. I wouldn’t answer anyone’s calls nor return them. When I finally called Tim, he was pretty upset that I had not called for 3 weeks, and thought I had hated him. I told him that I wouldn’t be visiting anytime soon, and he was saying how all I did was use him for sex, but he was jocular about it. Near the end of September, things started to go back to normal, and Tim and I start talking again frequently, and then I booked a trip to visit in October.

He volunteered to pick me up. I didn’t know how to feel or act around him. I started to develop feelings for him. I adored his companionship, loved talking to him, and cared for him. But I was not in love. Just cared about him dearly.

I knew he was testing the waters at first to see if I would still sleep with him, because the moment I stepped into his car he said, “I missed you, do you know that?” I replied with, “Yeah. I missed you and the others a lot.” He gave me a look and said, “Fine. I see how it is. You didn’t even really miss me at all.” I said he knew what I meant, and he played it off with a laugh, and asked, “So do you want to spend a couple of nights with me at my house?” I nodded, and then we ended up hanging out with my friends for a bit. Before he left, I walked him to his car, and then he hugged me and tried to kiss me. I felt unsure how to act because he wasn't my bf.

At his place, we started to watch a few movies and he started to initiate sex. I really didn’t want to at first, because I was scared that he would only want me for that, so I somehow convinced myself that if I was only good enough for sex for this guy, and nothing more, then it’s just good enough to have him physically, than nothing at all. I gave in. The next day, he dropped me off at my friend’s house, and then came for dinner. Again, the routine was after the friend’s went to sleep, we had sex. He would joke around and say, “You’re AHHDICTED to me.” I would just smile, and brush his comment off. He took me home the next day, and the same happened. The last night I admitted I had feelings. I told him I was not a selfish individual, didn't want a response, and I was not expecting anything. He was silent and I said, “I care about you a lot, and I wanted to let you know that I want to be here for you. Is that bad?” He didn’t reply, hugged me, and after a few moments said, “Just finish school first.” I was taken aback by the comment, and when he was preparing to leave, he just hugged me and told me to take good care about myself because he was sometimes so worried about me. My friend’s wound up taking me back to the airport the next day.

October of last year passed, Tim would still call me, but then as the year ended… we stopped calling. I thought he hated me, and that everything had ended. I thought it was for the better, but then he started calling me again in January of this year, saying how his phone was really messed up and he hoped I didn’t hate him too much. I tried a few times to get over him, and to go out with guys that were interested in me. He would not call as much, but he did text and call me like 4-5 times a month asking if I was doing alright. I decided to go back and visit in August, and he wanted to pick me up.

When I finally went to visit, his phone was indeed messed up because of water damage, and I felt bad because I felt he had only used me. I wanted so hard to tell him that I had stronger feelings, but I was scared, and I found myself under him, again with the sex. But this time, he actually was different. He started to introduce me to his family and friends, saying that I couldn’t “hide from his family and friends forever” and that I needed to get out there and meet all of them. He started to become more affectionate, hugging me in public, more endearing, and more open. I was there for a week, and he would tell me that there were so many firsts with him that had never happened before with his ex's. He was telling me that I was so accepting of him, and asked why I never questioned his imperfections. He said he was also testing me to see what kind of girl I was because he has had an ex once wire a large sum of money from his account to hers. He has also had an ex that he was with for 4 years, that after he had broke things off with her, started sleeping with over 30 guys in a few months and caught an STD. He told me that this girl knew that after the break up he had a soft spot for her still, and she tried to use that to her advantage to get him to sleep with her so she can give him her disease and attempt to get pregnant.

He told me I was checking out just fine, and that he wanted to see who I was. He always asked if it was ok that he spend a day with his friends, and I said, “Why ask? Those are your friends.” He replied with how all of the girls he had been with had always tried to consume all of his time with THEM, and never to see his friends. He has gone through so much, and had almost died when he was my age because of a car accident with a friend. He had lost so many friends that had gotten shot during his senior year in highschool, and had witnessed one of his friends get stabbed before. He has just been through so much that I truly understand why he's naturally cautious. Before I left, he was telling me all of these things that he had experienced that were mind blowing, and I when I bought him a new phone to replace his old one, he stayed up the whole night letting it charge for 5 hours, holding me, watching me sleep as he waited for his phone to charge. He said it was the best thing anyone has ever done for him, and that I have done so much that I had made him the happiest.

I visited 3 times in the last 2 months, and I am going back again in 12 days. I've been flying out at least once a month, and in this case, once every two weeks since August. And he’s also offering to fly me out here. He also admitted to me that he can have a long distance relationship—he’s 1200 miles away. I think I am making a huge effort to show him that I want to be with him. My friends are convinced that I am in love with him, but I have never been in love. But then again, the efforts I make are rare. People that I know that have long distance relationships only get to see their other like 1-2 times a year… and I’m ACTUALLY DOING 1-2 times a month for Tim. What do you guys think? Is it worth it? To me it is. But do you think that all I need is more time for him to see that I’m not here to hurt him or use him? Do you think this relationship might develop into something more? He wants me to finish school, and he knows I am very accomplished as a student and knows he won’t weigh me down. I think there’s something more, that this can grow. It's been a year and a half now. But I don’t know. What do you guys think? Can you give me some advice? Is what I am doing with Tim right? Am I giving him enough space? Am I doing everything the right way to let him grow, and open up to me more?