I have a friend that has been living with a girl for 4years plus, they have an 8mth old baby. This girl is a little on the psycho side, putting him out, burning all of his things, one day everything is rosey and the next day it's hell. We have been friends for 3years and I have been through a lot with him. Everytime she puts him out, I pick up the pieces. He has been at my house for the last two weeks basically because he had no where to go, no family in this city. I care about him a lot. Up until now it's been a platonic friendship, we've just helped each other out. Since he's been at my house, we've been sleeping together which I know in the back of my mind there's a good chance he will go back to what he calls his ex. I've told him that my feelings were getting involved and he said nothing but acts like he wants more. I come home and the house is spotless, we curl up on the couch and watch tv, he helps me with my puppy, but i didn't push the issue because I know what he went through and I know he didn't want to jump out of one relationship into another. This girl he met at a friend's house last week has been calling and calling and calling he tells me to answer his phone and tell her he's not there. He calls me yesterday and asks me to come pick him up from her house that he got stranded but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings so wants me to call him and make a cock and bull story so he can get away. It backfires and he says to me this isn't going to work. I'm pissed off because he knows how I feel about him but he's cock blocking against me. I had a guy I was casually dating but doesn't want to come over when my friend is here because he thinks in the back of his mind that there is something going on. It's like he doesn't want to be with me but he's not making it easy for me to say i'm available to anyone else. This girl calls me last night at midnight wanting to know where her man was. I was like excuse me, I just don't get it. If you wanted a girlfriend then what the hell was wrong with me. He thinks that he can have his cake and eat it too that i'll always be around for a good lay and he's got another thing coming. I dont want to ruin our friendship or the benefits either. How do you keep your feelings out of it when you really do care?

kp2171

glad the other guy is out the door... though we all know here that the End isnt necessarily the end in this thread.

BUT.... two things ive just gotta say.

first... the fact you just have to jump into this new relationship speaks volumes. you just cannot be alone and you arent willing to face yourself and the issues that you have. you chose to be in a realtionship that had red flags from day one. taking some time to figure yourself out is the first thing you should do.

second... i hate it when people use God as an excuse. my wifes brother and his ex did this all the time. when things didnt work out they said it was "God's will".... uh, NO.

im pretty sure God's will ISNT for you to make dumb, dumb decisions over and over and over. you arent designed to have your head up your arse, but here we are...

Please, please, please... do NOT use your faith and your God as an excuse. fine to believe God has "provided" you with an opportunity at another relationship... what? you think you never had this choice all along? so which chapter or verse were you following when the post was about how to make friends with benefits work???

ungh.

look... i really, really wish you well. i really hope things work out perfectly. honestly.

but you are blaming or designating all around you for the things that happen in your life... the ex bf and the exs ex are the source of misery.. the new guy is heaven on earth... and God is shining His Light upon you...

what about you?

until you take time to relfect on yourself... until you understand on a fundamental level what the hell just happened and you can make sense of the car wreck you chose... i think you are just setting yourself up for failure.

or not. sometimes something right can help you turn the corner. maybe i should be happier for you.

im just skeptical. id say the same things to my best friend. im irish and not known for holding back words. i also love my friends to death and am more than willing to step out of line when its needed.

so please. if you must jump into another relationship without really facing yourself alone, take it slow. figure out why you allowed yourself to be treated the way you were BY YOURSELF. the ex might have done the deeds, but you let it all happen... and not being too hard on yourself is just a way to avoid facing your mistakes.

and i suppose i cant define your relationship with God any more that i can make you take the advice you were given months ago... but id suggest not placing all relationships in the Blessed By God category. you are flailing to find ways to prop up relationships.. ways to make them better than they are. its fine to be grateful for all the Lord has given you... start with common sense.

kaj675

i hear what you're saying and you're right i don't want to be alone. i'm not saying that i'm moving in with the guy tomorrow. i'm just saying that i'm spending quality time on something meaningful now. before i felt like i was headed 90mph towards a brick wall with no intentions of hitting the brakes. i knew that i needed to stop but i don't know what it was and why i wanted it to work. and i crashed. now i feel like i'm cruising down a country lane breathing fresh air. that's the difference. had i paid attention to him before i would have saved myself a lot of heartache. this guy has hopes and goals and dreams in life just like me. where t all he really cared about was where his next beer and cigar was coming from. the sex was the only thing that was good and before it got all complicated we had a good friendship i could count on him to do whatever when i couldn't count on anyone else. i'm still hurting over that but this new guy can give me what i need and want and deserve in life where t couldn't.

kp2171

no person can give you what you really need in life... it starts with yourself. if you constantly look to others to make you happy you end up putting up with the kind of crap youve put up with so far... i dont think its a reach.

but enough preaching. its getting boring saying you might be taking the wrong steps. yes, healthy relationships make our lives better. but man... youve already made this next guy The Man to Make Your Life Better, Happy, and Shinier. i dont get it, but thats ok. i dont have to. hope it all works out in the end.

kaj675

i mean don't we all want to settle down and get married and have a family of our own. that's what i want in life. i knew me and t were never going to be what i wanted to have for myself as bad as i wanted to think that there was a slim chance that it would work. i was only kidding myself. i knew he was never going to be what i wanted for myself. i wish now that i hadn't wasted so much time and spent more time working on something that had a little potential like i said i would have saved myself heartache. everything that i've ever wished for in finding a man i've found in this new guy. i'm not rushing this we spend hours on the phone and on line talking. he is out of the country on business at the moment but we've both decided that we are going to take things slow date and see how things turn out. i believe there is someone out there for everyone and if you seek ye shall find. i don't know right now if he's the one but i'm gonna give him a chance and see. i want a house, two car garage, picket fence, two kids, dog and be able to live life comfortable. i would have never gotten any of that with t and i know this. he didn't care what lied ahead. i can't live for the moment of right now. as bad as i wanted to be able to have these things with him i knew in the back of mind it was never going to work. i miss our friendship but i'm glad it's over. and i can accept the fact that he wasn't the one for me and move on.

dmlegal

Garbage in, Garbage out. It does not matter how you feel. If he is a creep, he will always be a creep. If that is what you want, get use to it.

kaj675

please read the full story before you post.

kaj675

Well it's been awhile since i posted. Just wanted to let you all know that everything is going good for me now. He's still with his baby mama, miserable but that his own personal problem now. We still talk occassionally on the the phone and hang out but I've been dating a really sweet guy that I met about 1mth and 1/2 ago. he and t have met and they get along as well. my new beau treats me like a queen, he has a job, a car, his own place. thats a real step up from t who didn't have anything. thanks for all your support and encouragement. wish me luck. i'm not rushing into anything with my new guy but it looks very promising.

Homegirl 50

I'm glad to hear that.
You deserve better. Don't ever settle for less.
Best wishes

kaj675

i've got a new motto I think everyone should hear.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

I don't know where it came from or who said it but it's wisdom!!!!!!!!!!

kp2171

glad the other guy is out of the picture. you spent a lot of time and energy in a relationship that was questionable. happens to all of us in some degree.

the concern i always had was you seemed to be quick to jump into a new relationship before (the other guy waiting in the wings) without really dealing with why you put up with all the noise. first it was the baby's mama's fault. then his. and somewhere in there its yours too, as you choose to stay in a bad situation even when you were told to step back.

so learn some lessons about yourself and what to do differently next time. not saying you cant work out the baggage of an old relationship while starting a new one... you just need to make sure you dont fall into the same traps. if you dont understand why you were spending so much energy on a bad situation, then you can easily make the same mistakes again.

glad hes in the past. hope he stays there. glad you moved on.