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be friends after dating/cut off ties/hope it'll get better?
So I dated a guy for 3 months. A very transitional period for me, was dating after years of being in long-term relationship. I am 26 years old. So I didn't not expect that much, was taking it easy and thought things should go slow. I liked that. But maybe I was giving mixed signals, not sure. He definitely was more clear in the beginning and showed his interest better than I did.
Anyway it was great. great communication, interesting guy, a lot of time together. And it went quickly, we spent loads of time together. I want to say one thing, I was alone and lonely back then, I wasn't thinking twice about it, not me in a way. I felt I was treating myself with this but of course I developed feelings after some time naturally. I mean it wasnt insignificant, the connection was meaningful. he was trustworthy and genuine. I did one stupid mistake, spending a lot of time with him and noone else for some time. so now that things finished I cannot say whether I miss the company or the guy himself. you can imagine.
at some point things stalled. then he said something has changed, he feels he doesn't feel the same way and this can't be a relationship so he should protect me. not misinterpeting his behavior but he seemed a bit confused. not trying to keep my hopes up by saying this, seriously. when he told me that and I said ok it's over he cried and all. not sure whether we just didn't fall in love or a commitment issue or what.
what I am trying to figure out is whether it's possible for two people to be friends after such a short story? and is it possible that things ever worked out later on? or should I just quit the whole thing. I feel I want him in my life then I think maybe it's an excuse to see him again and hope he'll regret it. how do you know it's the end for good? any personal experiences of things working out later on?
the normal course of events at this stage,taking into consideration what he said ie,his change of feelings,i would suggest no contact...
you seem like an educated and intelligent women,and very self aware...reading your posts,im am inclined to say to let this go,my reasons are,you seem to want more then he is willing to give,at least right now...if you do decide to proceed with no contact,he may contact you...with a view to pursuing a romantic relationship...
i feel you could get hurt here,as you seem to wear your heart on your sleeve.
I don't think it's silly, I do think it's true that we do lose our sense of identity in relationships. And though I don't regret this 3 month thing cause it was substantial and made me realize I can find other people other than my ex long term boyfriend to communicate with, I have to admit it came to a point of time when I was just learning to be independent after the break up. And yes, we spend so much time together with someone and when things finish we end up I am wondering 'can I make it on my own?'
Redhed35 thanks for the compliment! I am glad you find some sings of self-awareness in my words. I am indeed inclined to go see him once more though I know deep in my heart it won't be conscious, I won't know why it is I am going there, security or what. But indeed I think I should be extremely careful and not let this go out of hand. I shouldn't start seeing him from time to time and wondering what's going on and getting myself hurt.
I was reading through all these posts and not once was the word rebound mentioned. I agree with everything already said. But in everything I read all I could think was rebound. You met him, you clicked, but not enough to go long term. Now he is gone and you still want him there. Seems to me your on the rebound and this is your new security.
Like Artlady said, find yourself again. Be alone and live life. Learn who you are. Go forward.
It's good to talk about it as it makes me realize more and more it's not about love, it's abour security that I was discussing whether there were any chances. I think that it only comes down to one question now I need to give an answer to. That is, given that we do click and I do know that I am also not in love, is it worth it trying to pursue a friendship there?
I do know deep down inside what you said is the truth exactly, that we clicked but not enough to long term, at least for now but probably for good. So all I am thinking is do I cut off contact and why would since I am not really suffering or anything? I am sure we will both retain some romantic feelings for each other but I have had that before and they seemed to fade away and there were substantial relationships out of such situations.
Of course I see there is a danger here which is I am very vulnerable and I think it'll be easy for me to start thinking I want more though I know I am ok with not going long term. I mean, we really did come very close and intimate in a friendly way, right from the start I was also thinking where it would go. Just that after all this time as lovers I cannot seem to imagine being different. But maybe I can see, I am sure it won't hurt me a lot and I will be careful to stop it if it does instead of deluding myself and thinking things are not finished.
Well its hard. But just keep in mind your not in love and you did state that. You were in a long term relationship. Leaving that is hard enough. Dont be with someone else to just fill that void. Its not fair to anyone.
Given his feelings have changed, I think you back off, and give yourself some time to process, and accept, and cope, that he wasn't feeling as strongly as you are, so you CAN be friends in the future.
It was only 3 months, and while you were getting more interested, he was not. See it for what it is, fun while it lasted, but over now. Let go for a while, and see what comes next in your life, without him.
You can be friends later, but for now, your still to attached, and hopeful.
I see everyone is suggesting no contact. But I can't say I am hopeful. If you have read the previous posts I think it is clear I am fully aware that my reason for some extra attachment to this is a feeling of insecurity which I am capable of controlling if I see him. But I DO know that for both us there were issues and this wouldn't turn into a long-term relationship. Yet we were both very upset, him more than me, about not being in each others' lives. It doesn't mean that if dating doesn't turn us into a couple we should quit a relationship over all right?
But yes the transition would be awkard and slow and maybe taking time before pursuing this makes sense I suppose.
I've generally remained friendly with my exes - minimal contact, but friendly when it occurred. There is one ex I would still consider a good friend, but it took a while to get there. We were together for 18 months. When we first broke up, we didn't have any contact for about 3 months. It was my choice to break up, and his choice to go NC. We tried talking at that point, and did for a few months - until he again needed more time to stop thinking about us as an "us". We stopped again for 3-4 months, and then he went thru a phase where he wanted to dissect everything that happened. For about a week, we had lengthy emails about everything. After that, we were able to be friends again. We still have to be careful, though. We still will hit points where one of us will want to back down, but we are very honest with each other. It can be difficult at times, as are many friendships, but we both honestly love each other - just no longer in a romantic way.
I have tried to be 'friends' with my exes as well but if it's a long-term relationship of 8 years it gets too complicated, you need to let go for a while and accept minimal contact so that both move on. Then with some others we are more like ex lovers that love each other though the romance is over so check on each other from time to time but there is awkardness remaining. Other people go NC and never contact each other again-all understandable if there is a strong feeling remaining I think.
With your post you made me realize the reason why with this specific one I am considering it as a potential more thany any previous time, it is because I know that I would be very honest with him. If I start seeing him and have thoughts about getting back together I would tell him, if it's all too awkard at first and we need more time to fix things I would do so again. It's just that something tells me that down the line we could really manage it. And your case was 18 months, that's way longer, 3 moths might be much more manageable.
You seem to know yourself well. I not only pay attention to what I am feeling, but also to what he is feeling. I am the more logical and rational of the two of us, though he also knows himself very well. It works for the most part. When it isn't, we back off for a while and then have a heart to heart. Good luck.
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