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Hello All,
I am new to the boards, but I have a friend who has been actively avoiding me and being cold towards me over the last couple of weeks. I left a comment on her webpage and told her that I thought that being friendly was something that I was supposed to do-- seeing as how we are friends and neighbors.
Occasionally, when I see that her window is open I will simply pass by and say hello. She claims that she feels "trapped in her apt" because I stop by for 5 seconds to say hello? She claims I do this everyday but that is so far from the truth for a multitude of reasons:
1.) She is hardly ever home and stays over with her boyfriend most days
2.) I work and go to school all week so when I get home I go straight in to eat or my boyfriend and I go out to eat. I hardly ever just say hi if I am tired and hungry.
3.) She claims that all last week she saw me everyday which is impossible because I worked the Monday (all day) and then Tuesday through Thursday Night I was out of town for Thanksgiving-- Friday I worked all day and crashed early without leaving my apt and Saturday I worked all day then went out to a movie with my boyfriend. From Monday morning through Sunday Evening I have been completely busy and haven't even see her!
If I stopped over all the time then I could see where she was getting this, but it is a very rare occasion when I see the window open and haven't talked to her in a while that I say hello. I didn't think this was a problem but she says she "feels on edge" about it and that she has said something to me before-- which she has, but I really feel like I have been doing my own thing and haven't had time to bug her.
I feel as though any little friendly thing that I do makes her uncomfortable and I am beginning to understand why the girl doesn't have many other friends that she stays in contact with.
The other thing is that whenever she is having a crisis of some sort (boyfriend breakup or school issue) she gets drunk and comes over at the wee hours of the morning to cry and ask for help, but won't talk about anything relating to the crisis and then takes off to her apt where usually I am afraid she is going to hurt herself, but I am afraid to go over there for fear that she will claim that I am not letting her "breathe".
She always comes over unexpectedly to borrow things and normally I let her because I usually think that she would do the same thing for me if I really needed it, but the one time I accidently locked my keys in a friends apt (the friend then went out of town leaving me out of a place to sleep) she got her panties in a bunch when I asked if I could crash on her couch for one night. I have never asked anything of her and it really hurt my feelings that she got so touchy when I really needed something. It made me regret asking the minute I did it, but I was hoping for some sympathy not cold annoyance.
So now she is telling me (despite the fact that I hardly ever see her and she is never home) that I am smothering her again. I really haven't done a thing but since we work together she HAS to see me. Since I got her the job I should think that she wouldn't mind working with me, but honestly she seems to mind anything I do that doesn't constitute leaving her alone. I think she wants to have this friendship be on her terms as opposed to working with me on it. She wants to come over whenever she wants, but is opposed to me excercising the same freedom.
The sad thing is that whenever the world gets cold and mean to her she always comes running back to me and I have never complained about all of her crisises before but now I am really tempted to just let her stand there and deal with it herself because I am tired of being there whenever she needs or wants something, but every day kindnesses are seen as smothering by her.
Her distortion of the facts is also disturbing. I have been either working or out of town a good majority of the time we have been friends and don't really have time to say hello to her all the time, but when I think about it occasionally I do. By occasionally I mean maybe once a week-- if that-- if she is home perhaps twice. I cannot recall a single week where I have gone over days in a row.
Anyway, since I work with this girl I am required to be friendly at least outwardly towards her but honestly her cold behavior has soured me on our friendship. Anyone who sees me as a pest makes me feel rejected and I don't want to be where I am not appreciated.
My question is: Is it smothering to simply stop by an window that is open and wave have a brief greeting maybe once a week to a friend that is your neighbor, and co-worker? We don't hang out outside of work and we don't go to school together. She is 33 and I am 23...
I don't email her or leave any other comments except the occasional "I hope you are having a good day" on her webpage.
She thinks I have this insatiable need for her attention but I really have a busy schedule and a life of my own-- so I don't know where she is getting this but it is really frustrating me.
Sorry for the long rant, but I hope that someone on here can let me in on what is going on here. I think that she is just being paranoid and overly-sensative-- or maybe her definition of friendship is completely different than mine. My boyfriend thinks she just uses me and then whenever I want to be friendly she blows me off because she "wants her space". I am beginning to understand where he is coming from and honestly have actively participated in making myself scarce over the last 3 weeks in order to avoid her behavior, but she continues to be cold towards me.
I don't know how else I can avoid being intrusive-- how can I avoid bugging her if I never see her? How can she claim that I am smothering her when we work together at least once a week, but after that have absolutely no contact?
This is just baffling to me and I am hoping that maybe some of you can help shed some light on this problem of mine. It is very bothersome and frustrating.
Thank you for reading and thank you for your time.
It sincerely sounds like this "Friend" is using you - and that you're on the right track by trying to avoid her. Although you can't entirely avoid her at work or in the apartment building that it sounds like you share, you CAN make it very plain to her that you aren't her "sounding board" any more. When she shows up and wants to borrow something - or to cry on your shoulder when she's been drinking - tell her you're too busy to smother her right now and close the door in her face. If nothing else, you'll let her know in no uncertain terms that you aren't going to let her bad mouth you any more.
As to the rest of those things you stated, friends don't treat friends the way she's treating you - and the fact that she's 10 years older means that she should have already realized this long ago. Sounds to me like she is too immature to know what true friendship is and only sees "friends" as those who can do something for HER..... (And trust me, I work for a woman who is like this at 45. They DON'T get better with age!)
You mention that you got her current job for her - or at least put in a good word at your place of employment on her behalf. If she's spreading rumors about you at work, you may want to speak to your employer and see whether your "putting in a good word" is going to backfire on you, as both myself and someone I "put in a good word for" got fired from a chambermaid position when she was caught stealing from one of the rooms. (I didn't know she was a thief when I spoke to the boss about her, but it certainly didn't look good that I would have talked him into hiring someone who would steal from the customers......)
Good luck in getting this friend to go "smother" herself!
Thank you for ya'll's advice and I agree with you on all of it. I just needed that little bit of reinforcement to help me continue doing what I think I should and that is avoiding her. Oh yes, and also in her email accusing me of being smothering she said, "You're beautiful, but I don't want to see your face every day..."-- That sealed the deal for me-- I mean who wants to be friends with someone who says that kind of stuff? No bueno!
This doesn't sound like friendship to me. Neighbours, co-workers maybe but not friends. Also I suspect she may be suffering an illness, depression perhaps. Not wanting to see you and then wanting to see you smacks of some kind of personality disorder. I think you may be right to worry about her being on her own and hurting herself. Is there a family member of hers you could have a chat with, her boyfriend perhaps. Let someone close to her know of your fears then back off because you may be unintentionally adding to her emotional problems.
Location: Now hailing from St. Petersburg, Florida US of A, North America, planet Earth, Milky Way Galaxy.
Posts: 2,287
It sounds like the girl is using you for anything she can get but the moment you need something back she has no interest. You should be happy to remove this one from your life.
Just wanted to update ya'll, and thank y ou so much for your advice and comments. They are very much appreciated and have helped me gain perspective on this situation. I had a feeling that Jen has been using me and then being cold whenever I am not receptive to her wants for quite some time. I have also been talking to friends and family members about this situation and they all have said essentially the same thing: stay away. I intend to do just that.
I also wanted to tell you about a semi-escalation in this situation and get ya'll's opinion. So yesterday I am working and Jen comes in to make her VIP calls for the week. It is customary for retail workers at my boutique to have a long list of people they are required to call each week. So I am working (I cashier) and Jen comes in. I am in charge of clocking people in and out of work-- so she comes in without so much as hello and demands that I clock her in. I was with a customer at the time, so I politely said I would love to clock her in as soon as I finish the transaction. She scoffed at this and said, "but can't you do it now? I have a lot of things to do and I need to get this call-list out of the way!!". I simply said no, that I have to put the customers first and if she would like to discuss this further she can do it after I am done here and then proceeded to apologize to the customer and finish the transaction.
After I clocked her in Jen simply stormed off. I had come into work that day feeling a little bummed about this whole thing and before I clocked in my friend Mallory (another co-worker) had seen me outside having a smoke and asked me why I looked so sad. I just said that this situation has been bugging me and she agreed along the same lines as ya'll's posts here that I should just ignore Jen because she is flaky and not worth my time. Essentially that she is a user and that I am too good of a person to take this laying down.
So-- back to the working. I was cleaning the counter area and Jen comes storming up to the front. She slammed the VIP notebook on the desk and threw some papers at me and screamed, "when I say I want space I don't need you to go F-ing talking about it other co-workers!!!" . I was so stunned, and disturbed that I just stared at her. I didn't want to get into an argument in the middle of work and felt like this outburst was completely unnecessary.
It gets better-- my manager saw her do this and then gave me a talk later about "bringing personal drama" into work!!!! I simply said that I have no desire to sour the workplace but I am not the one creating a scene at work and that I said nothing to further escalate the situation, but I can't have her flying off the handle at me at work about this. She doesn't want to talk to me outside of work, and she seems uncomfortable working with me because I have to exist in the workplace-- so blowing up at me at work is completely unwarranted and I would appreciate it (I said this to my manager) if Jade could talk to Jen about this whenever she works her next shift. So the threat of a write-up is out there should either one of us talk about this at work either to each other or other people.
This annoyed me because I am not the one who brought all of this into work. I was not on the clock when I talked to Mallory and I know that she is not one prone to be loose-lipped about something like this-- so it had to be Jen who talked to Jade and Jen who decided to be a crazy flake and create a scene and it seems like I am being punished first for a situation that I did not create.
I am not the one with a problem here. I am more than happy to leave Jen alone because she doesn't contribute anything positive to my life at the moment, and it appears that all she is interested in is taking and never giving. So after work I sent her an email on myspace and let her know that under no circumstances was she ever to behave that way to me at work again. I also stated firmly, but politely that her behavior towards me was unacceptable and that whatever anxieties and issues she has going on in her life are her problem and she should stop venting her frustrations on me because I am not going out of my way to be a pain to her. I am just trying to observe her wishes-- that's all. I don't want to be where I am not appreciated and I don't like it that she insists on creating a problem or imagining offenses where there are none.
So I stood up for myself finally and feel pretty good about it. I will not respond to anything else she has to say via email or whatever and let her stew in her own negative juices.
The reason I posted this is that I want to make sure that I have done the right thing. I would like ya'll's opinion and while I am 85% sure that I have done what is right-- I don't want this to backfire at work or wreck whatever semblance of a friendship that Jen and I have. However, I feel like I am not the one destroying things here.
Was it a faux-pas to tell Mallory what was bugging me?
Am I right to feel like I am the one being punished at work when I am not the one creating drama?
What should I do if she blows up at me again at work? I don't want to get written up when she can't control herself-- especially if she claims at any point that I provoked her or something when it seems that even when I leave her alone she insists on creating drama out of situation that doesn't really exist. It is impossible to smother someone if you make an active effort to avoid them!
So please let me know and like I said before I will evaluate ya'll's responses carefully.
Once again, thank you so much for your consideration and time to answer my problems.
I'm sorry you are having to put up with this at work. I recommend having a chat with your boss and perhaps explain that you have chosen to ignore her but she is the one who is making things difficult.
Is there any chance you and her can have a chat, try to find out where all this animosity is coming from and then agree to drop it. If necessary, promise to keep your distance from now on. Whatever makes the working relationship work. Right?
At least you will know you tried. Sound like this girl has a lot of problems to work out. If you keep your distance then at least you’ll know it is her problems, and not you that is doing anything wrong.
Sometimes things can be so confusing that we begin to doubt our own words, actions and behaviour. The only way to make sure it is her own problems that are causing her to behave this way is to give her a wide berth.
It doesn't sound like she's really interested in any kind of friendship with you, regardless of how casual. That said, I'd just let her be, which is obviously what she wants. There's no law that says you have to be friendly with her just because she's your neighbor. If she comes over at the wee hours of the morning drunk because of her latests "crisis", just simply say "I'm sorry but it's really late. Can this wait until tomorrow, please?" Then leave her to deal with it. Don't worry about her "hurting herself" or accept any guilt for her actions. You are not responsible for her problems nor are you responsible for how she chooses to deal with them.
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